Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I have recently had a lengthy conversation with someone who is a Dom...While I dont agree (just for me personally) in the pain & humiliation aspect that he prefers, it really got me thinking about my life. I have always considered myself a very strong woman & dominant. Through a series of questions that this man asked me, it slowly dawned on me that I am in fact, not dominant but a very submissive personality. I have thought about all of this at length & really have to wonder if humans, as most species, have an heirarchy of command. I look back at both my relationships & see now that in both, I gave my power over to them without even realizing it. I wonder now if because neither of us (in both relationships) had any idea of what our personality type was that they just simply did not know what to do with it....Especially with my ex husband, he saw my gift of control as weakness. I now believe it is not weakness...simply who I am in my core.
Could this theory be true of someone who may feel they are codependent? I believed I was & now really wonder if that was the case at all.
I'm really curious to see what others may think about this.
Please, be gentle....I mean no disrespect to anyone with this. I know a few months ago, I would've wanted to rip into someone had I read this type of topic.
Could this theory be true of someone who may feel they are codependent? I believed I was & now really wonder if that was the case at all.
I'm really curious to see what others may think about this.
Please, be gentle....I mean no disrespect to anyone with this. I know a few months ago, I would've wanted to rip into someone had I read this type of topic.
There are Alpha males and Alpha females, and those do not dominate each other - they compliment each other in an ideal relationship.
But Alpha males dominate over other males, and Alpha females dominate over other females.
The stronger human personalities simply dominate over the animal instincts and that changes things, IMO.
And dominate does not always mean negative hurtful since some times it is right that dominates over wrong.
That theory of yours could be true and then distort the diagnosis of codependency but who knows?
Many people mistake the codependency as just being negatively dependent on the spouse which is not codependency.
When one person or spouse dominates over the other person then that is simply abuse and not codependency at all.
I hope that is gentle enough, and it is just my opinion as I have no hard facts to offer.
So I might just be making the fire of your controversy hotter.
I agree that if a relationship becomes abusive in any manner, it crosses a line....& yes, I do still believe there is codepency & valid psychological causes behind it. I honestly believed I was. I look at my life this past year though & I have done so much thinking & soul searching. I have worked on me FOR me...noone else. I had very low self esteem pretty much my entire life. That was a huge obstacle to overcome. I'm now back in school full time, I'm happy with who I am, where I've been & where I'm going. I no longer feel I need someone to MAKE me happy anymore...I'm truly happy now, by myself. (Damn! That feels good!)What I've been thinking though, is my marriage was not an abusive one. At no point during, did I feel that he mistreated me (til the end) nor did he try to diminish who I was as a person. I enjoyed being married, I enjoyed knowing that I was cared for & loved....I see now that within the secure environment I believed we had, I gave myself freely....What I believe now is that he wasn't aware of my submissive personality & because of societal expectations & ideals we are now brought up with, he saw that as me being weak & dependent on him....was I capable of making my own choices... Sure I was. Was I capable of making decisions...yes, I had been a single mom for 8 years before him & had managed quite well....Would he have "let" me do those things..? Most likely, yes.
Think about relationships decades ago....grandmothers & fathers....there was that certain level of control in a marriage.It was generally the husband that ruled the household. (I do believe though that there are dominant females & submissive males) I do realize that there was also abuse back then & I do not condone that one bit. But if it was a happy marriage...things flowed well.
In this day & age, because of women's rights movements, etc.,those Dom/sub roles have become distorted...males who are of dominant personality have had to supress that or be thrown to the lions, so to speak.... Could that be a factor of the unhappiness & high divorce rate? Could it be that submissive people have been raised to be so independent that they are counteracting their own very nature without being aware...? This is where I am now.
I'm not talking about someone being made to wear a dog collar & sit at their master's feet..or forced to do anything that they do not want to do. I'm simply talking about a more mainstream, traditional manner of marriage. In every relationship, each individual should have the right to say "no" (boundaries) regardless of their rank. But if each individual is aware of their rank & are lovingly open about everything & there is very good communication & love...then I believe the dynamics of such a relationship would be harmonious. Of course....this is also assuming each individual knows themselves well, have gotten to the point of happiness & acceptance of who they are & would therefor reflect it in their self esteem....
I feel now that my lack of self esteem stems back to being abused as a child, not knowing who I am & simply not loving myself....I believe I have overcome this & am now ready to accept who I am. I'm excited for the future & my relationships to come (hopefully, just one more...;) If I can find someone who has figured themselves out as I have & are happy with themselves, & do not feel the need to hurt anyone else to boost their esteem, then it will be wonderful to share & give of myself & truly understand why I do the things I felt were wrong....
I agree that if a relationship becomes abusive in any manner, it crosses a line....& yes, I do still believe there is codepency & valid psychological causes behind it. I honestly believed I was. I look at my life this past year though & I have done so much thinking & soul searching. I have worked on me FOR me...noone else. I had very low self esteem pretty much my entire life. That was a huge obstacle to overcome. I'm now back in school full time, I'm happy with who I am, where I've been & where I'm going. I no longer feel I need someone to MAKE me happy anymore...I'm truly happy now, by myself. (Damn! That feels good!)What I've been thinking though, is my marriage was not an abusive one. At no point during, did I feel that he mistreated me (til the end) nor did he try to diminish who I was as a person. I enjoyed being married, I enjoyed knowing that I was cared for & loved....I see now that within the secure environment I believed we had, I gave myself freely....What I believe now is that he wasn't aware of my submissive personality & because of societal expectations & ideals we are now brought up with, he saw that as me being weak & dependent on him....was I capable of making my own choices... Sure I was. Was I capable of making decisions...yes, I had been a single mom for 8 years before him & had managed quite well....Would he have "let" me do those things..? Most likely, yes.
Think about relationships decades ago....grandmothers & fathers....there was that certain level of control in a marriage.It was generally the husband that ruled the household. (I do believe though that there are dominant females & submissive males) I do realize that there was also abuse back then & I do not condone that one bit. But if it was a happy marriage...things flowed well.
In this day & age, because of women's rights movements, etc.,those Dom/sub roles have become blurry...males who are of dominant personality have had to supress that or be thrown to the lions, so to speak.... Could that be a factor of the unhappiness & high divorce rate? Could it be that submissive people have been raised to be so independent that they are counteracting their own very nature without being aware...? This is where I am now.
I'm not talking about someone being made to wear a dog collar & sit at their master's feet..or forced to do anything that they do not want to do. I'm simply talking about a more mainstream, traditional manner of marriage. In every relationship, each individual should have the right to say "no" (boundaries) regardless of their rank. But if each individual is aware of their rank & are lovingly open about everything & there is very good communication & love...then I believe the dynamics of such a relationship would be harmonious. Of course....this is also assuming each individual knows themselves well, have gotten to the point of happiness & acceptance of who they are & would therefor reflect it in their self esteem....
I feel now that my lack of self esteem stems back to being abused as a child, not knowing who I am & simply not loving myself....I believe I have overcome this & am now ready to accept who I am. I'm excited for the future & my relationships to come (hopefully, just one more...;) If I can find someone who has figured themselves out as I have & are happy with themselves, & do not feel the need to hurt anyone else to boost their esteem, then it will be wonderful to share & give of myself & truly understand why I do the things I felt were wrong....