Hi aconfused daughter. I know exactly how you feel. When I was your age my mum was not as manipulative, or so I thought. It was just that I was used to it and thought it was'normal' but now at the age of 41 I am less confident than I used to be, more accepting and willing to negotiate than when I was younger, my mum's behavior had become much worse. Does it make you feel trapped and anxious? Do you notice how her manipulative, controlling behaviour seems to become more intense when you show more independence, positivity or even just standing up for yourself and not giving in to her?

I find her behaviour mentally draining as it is but as I am already in a codependent relationship with my boyfriend this just adds to my energy being sapped. My mum tries to control/manipulate me through her what can be really demanding/guilt tripping text messages which generally focus on either the needs of my brother or dad who she seems to think are helpless vulnerable children who need my hello, even though they are grown adults. She is never really interested in me or my life and only has negative or judgemental points to make to try to coerce me into doing what she wants.

Do you have any brothers or sisters? Do you find that your mum has a favourite and it's not you? If so I know how it feels to feel like you ate being compared and to not feel good enough. Anytime you want someone to listen or be there for you when you need support just message me :)

Girlagogo,

I can totally relate to what you describe to me. Thanks for writing to me and I feel really glad that I am not the only who goes through this.

Yes, I have been feeling depressed and hopeless these past few days because of what she did a few days ago. This is not something new. A few days ago, I called her to ask here how is she. She told me me that she has some difficulties to pay mortgage. I am already give her some monthly allowance. She did not tell me directly that she wanted me to take up the responsibility. She went around the bush and tried to manipulate me to say yes. She kept asking me what should she do about it and when I did not give her the answer she went. She guilt trip by saying things like she wants to hold on to all the properties to leave them for her children. She did not get what she wanted but I felt guilty about it. Do you think if it is something that you can afford to do / give, you should give it to your mother just because you feel guilty?

The last time she demanded for more money from me and when I explained to her that my partner would lose his job, she was upset and got drunk and called in the middle of the night. She even told me that it was just a test to know if I love her. She admitted to me that she has more than enough more to sustain her retirement.

Yes I do have brother and sisters. She made it known to be since young that I am not her favourite. She told me that I am not easy to love because I am annoying and demanding. She loves my younger sister the most. To please her, I have done what she wanted but I hardly get the recognition and praises from her. Its always not enough for her. My mom uses my siblings to guilt trip me too! After I graduated, I wanted to take some time off and travel the world. My mom told me that my sister needed me and she was not doing so well in school. She still uses my siblings to guilt trip me or get what she wants.

I really don't know what to do. When I don't give her what she wants, she would give me the silent treatment. If it is something that I can afford, should I just give in?

Your mother is a total manipulator.

Karen C.L . Anderson has a great book titled "The peaceful Daughters Guide To Separating From A Difficult Mother"

I also receive newsletters from her in my inbox.

My mother's been gone since '82, and the damage she did to my life has become so apparent to me I'm now forced to deal with my toxic upbringing to live a healthy, authentic life.

Your mother is toxic, and will use you for as long as you allow it.

You deserve your own life. One free of her guilt trips and manipulations.

If you don't set boundaries with her, you'll never have that.

You don't owe her anything. It was her job to raise you to be a functional, capable individual with your own life.

Thank you for your recommendation. I had signed up for her newsletter and will get a copy of the book. :)

You are right. I need to accept that it was her job to raise us up. She kept reminding us how much she sacrificed to raise us up. She makes us feel like we are a burden to her. She told us that she has not enjoyed life to the fullest because of us as she had to stay at home to look after us :( I grew up believing that.