Step down from the secretary position if you dont want it. Taking it when you did not want it was the first codependency issue. Unfortunately, there will always be people who want to tell those with positions how, when, what to do. Accepting those positions means accepting the controlling ones who want to have a say without doing the work.

The woman texting you is totally controlling. You cant stop her. You can block her texts. Go to meetings when it is comfortable for you. Take back control of YOUR LIFE and YOUR LIFE alone. Unless there is an attendance policy for the secretary, continue doing YOUR best. Suggest to these people that they take the position when it becomes open after you have vacated.

Ah thanks both of you for your input. Yes, I took the secretary positiong knowing I'm not there a lot because I live far and I told them that at the business meeting when they elected me, I declined telling them I might not be here all of the time but they said well we don't have a lot of people to choose from so if your not here call and let us know and someone else will do it. I really should have said No I am not ready right now. I am also new to the program and am uncomfortable in groups already, I have bi-polar, anxiety disorder, depression, and extremely not comfortable talking to people much either. So I am who I am too, I am working on my issues but I believe it will take me time even to understand my codependency. I avoid people and have been agoraphobic so it was a huge step for me to go to meetings in the first place and to take the position so soon I just wasn't ready. I get anxiety about many social interactions and I know I have a lot to overcome. It is hard for me to speak up and stay strong especially around manipulators. I got anxiety the minute I got a text from her upset I didn't make it to the meeting. When she kept texting I couldn't reply anymore because I felt like I was being pushed and told what to do. I did text her back saying yes give someone else the position. I have not worked the steps yet, I am still on steps 2 to 3. I know I am codependent and I have huge problems around people since I was 3 years old, I am very shy, don't stand up for myself until I'm pushed so far I blow up or I withdraw depending on my fears. I may try another meeting but do not want to be around those particular people anymore. Its hard with my social anxiety to deal with people. I just retracted with my instincts from fear. Its going to take me a while to overcome some of my barriers to codependency. I am in mental health care and on medications but its a very slow process. I want to start living but I'm still in survival mode and I run off my instincts a lot. No excuse but it is who I am so I'm accepting myself right now and moving forward from there. Sometimes I just can't deal with people. I like animals.

Oh yeah, I didn't go in the first place because I got bad anxiety that day and I was not in a state of mind to text or talk to anyone, that is what I needed to do at the time for myself.

"Blow up when pushed too far"
Boy do I understand. For me this comes from never being allowed ro ever be angry as a child. Anger is a protective emotion. It gives us energy to fight or flight from danger. Never being allowed to show anger did not stop it. The anger jst got stuffed until it omes spilling out.

I notice what made me feel angry BEFORE the explosion. First, I forgave myself for the explosion. Each time I got closrr and closer to dealing with anger in the moment that I am actually angry. And these days I can calmly use my stern voice to speak my mind.

Be patient. We are all on a jourqin life.

Yep... and therein lies the irony.

It's why I stopped going to coda, too.

Hugs.

Hi rad:

What you describe is a lack of boundaries for your self and and for the other Lady too as you were both violating the boundaries.

Since you knew that you would not be at future CoDA meetings then it was your boundary to say "no" that you do not accept the position of Secretary.

Second was after you accepted then it was your new boundary to show up at the meeting to be the Secretary so that too was violating the boundary for your self and for that group.

When the Lady texted you asking you to come to the group and be the Secretary then that was another chance for you to set the boundary by you telling her that you quit the job and to say = " I dont want to be secretary anymore." - is just not the same as QUITTING the job.

To say that you quit would be you setting the boundary.

So enough picking on you as the Lady was wrong too, because when you did not show up then she was wrong to send the text message to you as she too was violating a boundary line.

What the Lady needed to do was to replace you (to fire you) from being Secretary and thereby create a new boundary.

When we put two (2) codependent people together then we get double jeopardy.

Put a bunch of codependent people together and then we get a huge dysfunctional mess.

The CoDA group is a type of relationship, and we must deal with that group as another relationship.

Codependency does not mean just in marriage or between GF and BF as it means any relationship of any kind, and it means every relationship of every kind.

So there needs to be healthy boundaries for the CoDA meeting just as there must be healthy boundaries between any people.

For myself I never liked the CoDA groups because they do not allow cross talk with is completely the opposite of what healing codependency needs. Right now it would be very productive if you and that Lady and the entire group would now openly discuss the boundary lines for being the Secretary and openly discuss the feelings involved and then deal with that - but no they do not allow such a cross talking.

If you now leave that group then that is NOT a true boundary.

We must put our words into our boundaries, and without words we are doing it wrong.
See YouTube link here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LV6WCMsd-3U

This is just my perspective offering as to be helpful, so anyone can take what you like and reject whatever you see as wrong.

Booky- that's why I think coda meetings are almost bound to not work- you've got a room full of people with boundary issues... what do you think is going to happen.

It's not funny, but in a way, it kind of is...

I think time would be better spent reading a good self help book and reflecting.

Or, just go to the meetings as examples of what NOT to do...

12 Step programs work because people get to hear and see others behaving in dysfunctional ways. When we hear others use the same excuses that we use OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER while never improving their lives, we get to face the things in our own lives that are dysfunctional.

But one must want to actually learn new patterns of behavior.

I think I should be allowed to have an opinion... I only criticized Coda- because it's different from AA or NA because with those others, the addiction is an outside substance... but with Coda, the addiction is dysfunctional relationships... in a group meeting. That's what I meant by the irony. It's like the old joke that the Procrastinator's Anonymous group decided to wait until next week to have their first meeting...

True, it's nice to have others there... but in my experience with Coda, it was misery loves company. That's my truth and I should be allowed to speak it.

Thanks, Sally. I hope I didn't give the impression that ALL 12 steps are like that. I try not to speak in absolutes.

Any time anybody is taking any step toward recovery is a step in the right direction. Maybe that's why it works for some... it's the motivation why they even walk through the door to begin with.

Whatever brings sobriety... be it from substances or emotions.

Hugs.

Talking after the CoDA meeting is doing the talking too late, because cross talk needs to be immediately when the subject is hot and ongoing.

After the meeting there might be judgements but not the cross talk as is needed for codependency.

The 12 Steps for AA is an entirely different condition from codependency.

An alcoholic needs to learn how to sit quiet and do not speak up and do not argue but for codependency the people need to directly talk to each other.

When I went to the Meadows facility in Arizona then every time anyone speaks then every other person is to give them some feedback and if anyone does not want to give a comment then they need to say that too, because staying silent (no cross talk) is just feeding the dysfunction of codependency.

As such the CoDA groups can give the feeling that some thing is being done when nothing is being done.

Plus the 1st Step in CoDA is the ridiculous claim that we are powerless over other people and that is a sick idea in itself, because to heal we must take back our rightful power and we do have lots of real power over our self and over other people.

The AA system works for alcoholics but codependency is a completely different issue.

My opinion.