Monday I finally went to my third CODA meeting (I live in a place with inclement weather) and it was exactly what I needed.  I went there feeling impatient and despair regarding my relationship and I was going to ask them to skip the cross talk rule and give me advice on what to do next.

Instead they were working on step 4, and then I realized I still needed to deal with some personal demons so I have the wisdom and strength to do whatever it was I had to next with my relationship.

Step 4 is take a moral inventory and then we talked about judging others and I shared how I judge other people for taking and asking for things.  It was later when I answering urbangardener’s comment about taking that I realize one of the reasons why I don’t like taking is my own pride.

I feel that by not taking, I am better than those who take.

It was a realization that made me realize I really need to work on my pride.

I also realized earlier after the meeting I had a lot of bitterness from wounded pride that I had to work through. 

When I was younger,  I worked hard to get good grades, I always sacrifice things so others could have more, I always gave whatever my family wanted, I gave time and service to my church, and I basically did everything for others thinking one day I would get rewarded for it.

Instead I saw others who didn’t work as hard I did, who took instead of give, who were irresponsible, uncaring, and not as “worthy” finding money and love and children and vacations, while I ended up empty-handed.  

Which is not entirely true.  I know those people may have been irresponsible at one point but they cleaned up later, and my situation is my own doing and I am not empty-handed.  I have lots to be grateful for.

But that feeling of “it’s not fair!  I worked harder!  I should have gotten more!” Is something that’s hard to get rid of.

and it made me feel wonder of the relationship of narcissism and codependency. I keep seeing videos how codependents always go for narcissists. I don’t think we always do.  I’ve never been involved with one, but I see narcissistic traits in codependents like my mother and myself.

I read somewhere that narcissists have an grandiose image of themself which requires a lot of work to keep propped up (and apparently they lose their $&@$ if someone pulls the mask off) and I’m like yeah that is totally me.

I wanted to be the “cool girlfriend” who wasn’t needy and high maintenance like those other “basic” ladies.   I didn’t want to take because takers are selfish and I wanted a reputation of the selfless giver.  I had fantasies as someone who changed people’s life, eulogies at my funeral would be about how I was always there for people and I made a difference etc.  But mostly, the image I wanted to portray was one where I was better than takers, selfish people, needy girlfriends, you get the point.  

Like narcissists, it’s a lot of work to keep that image up.   and oh boy did I take things personally when I went into something expecting to be the saviour and got my hard work and wisdom rejected. 

I’m not a narcissist, but I see the traits in me.  I remember someone saying that codependents and narcissists are two sides of the same coins.  I think there’s some truth in that, especially with me.

So... somehow... I need to work on that.  I have no idea where to start or what to do about it and to be honest, I’m not ready to let go of it yet.  To accept that other people are just as worthy as I am feels like asking me to make friends with mortal enemies.   I don’t think i’m ever going to get to that point but hopefully I’ll be less judgemental.

Looking forward to Monday to see if the group can help.  Hoping the meeting isn’t canceled because of the weather again.