Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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dani5353 10/09/2015

Hey all,

My first time posting here, just want to say Hi first, but second I have come to realize that I have codependent relationships, friendships.. Yet at the same time I am emotional unavailable. I looked online and there is really nothing about that. Just that codependent people get involved with EU people. But then I read that if you get involved with EU people over and over that means you are EU yourself.. So I guess it makes sense.. I am going to my first CODA group next Tuesday but I am so confused I don't know if I belong there.

I just know I have major signs of being both. It's very clear. I always put other people first and look past my own happiness. I am the one that people come to to talk to and vent and I will find time to listen and be there, but the times I have needed someone.. crickets.. so then I just decided ok well I will just not tell anyone anything. I think i have always being EU but it just got worse because of that. I am the typical. I don't need anyone, yet I know deep down I do but just people disappoint me so much I just gave up.

I was talking to my ex last night after being with a friend and she talked for 2 hours about her life, I started talking and after 5 min I just stopped and shut down because of something she said that made it seem like it just didn't matter what I was saying. Then I just got quiet and changed the topic back to her. I always tell him no one cares but he made a good point saying that how can no one care if you don't tell them anything I said I don't need to bother people with my life.

Honestly I have tried. No one cares, I never get the attention back that I give to people.

So did being codependent make me more EU?

Anyone else feel this way?

Also that ex is also very EU too and a Narc. My second one.. I was very codependent with him. We shouldn't even be talking but I can't let it go. We are currently trying to be friends for the 80th time.

HCARD 10/09/2015

I just started reading co dependent for dummies. I think it is great explaining what's going on.

shaayy 10/11/2015

The two can go hand in hand, yes. But it's more about being codependent that causes one to not really care about themselves the way they care about other people. There's also the factor of doing things for others and expecting the same or more in return. It doesn't always work that way. You have to start thinking about whether you want to actually do these things or if you feel like you have to, because codeps tend to think if they don't give attention to and say yes to every request, people will stop caring about them and abandon them. It happens. You have to start setting boundaries, not saying yes to every request, and putting your own wants and needs first for once. This includes reaching out to others when you need someone to be there for you. I was shut off to people for years and it always bothered me that I was always so alone. Well, I was alone because I wouldn't let anyone get close to me. People can only try to get close to someone who's shut off so many times before they stop. Plus, if someone can tell that you're shut off, they may not even try to get close to you.

Codependent No More, Boundaries/Boundaries Workbook, and Beyond Codependency are really good books to check out. As I've suggested before, listen to Brooke Castillo podcasts. They always seem to help me when I'm feeling insecure about myself and my life. And I think Coda may be good for you. I've never been although I want to. You won't know if it's a good place for you until you go and give it some time. You don't even have to share anything when you go. Just go and listen to other people and their stories. You may find that you learn quite a bit and you may also find a good support system from people who understand how you feel and what you're going through.

Keep us posted. :)

DeliAnnem 10/11/2015

Well, I was codep and I was the master of the 18 month relationship.

I was codep so I picked the first person who showed me attention and I usually picked the totally WRONG person for me.

I could only keep up that farce for 1.5 years and then I'd look for someone else... I was attracted to the EU person so I didn't have to be the real me, I suppose. Did that make me EU??? Maybe.

I'd focus less on the label and more on your behaviors and how it made you feel.

Welcome. The more you read, the more insight about yourself you will gain.

Hugs.

dani5353 10/12/2015

I think I also tend to pick put fellow EU people even as friends so I feel I get hit everywhere. But really I'm closed off to I pick these people so I don't have to because the times I tried I got shut down. It reinforces a lot. So I'm going to give Coda a shot and see if I can figure this out. Because I do wanna change I want to be happy bring truly intimate and sharing what's in my heart and soul with the right people who will really care and listen. Because if I keep going to way I am I'm going to end up not talking to anyone and being a hermit and that won't make me happy. Thanks for the replies. I will let you know how Coda goes. I'm going tomorrow night. A little nervous but knowing i don't have to talk is good. I get so nervous in groups ahhhh lol

dani5353 10/12/2015

It's weird I always thought I was so open too. How was i so wrong? But I always felt like I don't want to bother people with my life so I thought it was coming from a good place of not wanting to stress people out. So instead I became everyone's shoulder and just browsed thru my life. When I drink now that's when everything cones out. I use drinking as a release to finally be able to say how I feel. But of course it comes out wrong and makes things worse 98% of the time.

DeliAnnem 10/12/2015

Well, the good news is, now that you know better, you can do better. It can only go up from here.

Good luck tomorrow. Let us know how it went!

dani5353 10/13/2015

Thank you! And I will :-)

Canaan 10/13/2015

I do wish you all the best tonight and hopefully a beginning to some clarity with your concerns.

E

dani5353 10/14/2015

Ok so first CODA meeting . Check! I liked it. I didn't share anything but I feel like I could do it next time. I liked the people and the way it's set up. Even people around my age there so maybe I can make new friends. But you oy share about 4 min then 2 more later. And there is no feedback given so I think I still may try to find a therapist so I can talk more and get feedback. But I think this is a good start. I just need to open up! But annoyingly since I don't often when I do I cry ugh so I hope I don't wanna be the crier in the group lol. Someone offered to sponsor me but my I don't need that part of my brain kicked in and I didn't talk to her afterwards about it. Maybe once I get more comfortable I'll consider it. I'm not even sure what it means lol

Canaan 10/14/2015

Glad you felt good and comfortable enough to see yourself perhaps continuing. There are so many positive results of crying, see it as a good thing. Wishing you much success.

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