Hi. I guess I am not the best perdon to be giving advice since I just recently accepted my problem with codependency and am still trying to figure out how to fix it.
The best thing I can say is this: You are on a journey to find love for yourself and become a stronger person. Since this is a case you need to do it for yourself and no one else. Meaning you can't lean against a rock and have it help carry your burden. You have to be strong and do it on your own. Part of being codependent is always looking for reassurance from others. This gives our actions value. Because we don't give ourselves self worth we look for others to give us worth. It's hard for us to see the good in us through our eyes so reassure ourselves by seeing us through the eyes of others. This is one of the worst habits I am trying to break.
Stop looking for your husband's approval and support and support yourself. Explain what you are going through to him for his information but not for any other reason. Not for support or justification or assurance or anything else.
Maybe I am wrong. I'm sure there are other people in this support group that can help you out more than I can because I am new at this. It is just my loving opinion.
Be strong and reassure yourself everyday in front of a mirror that you are strong and can get through this. Talk to yourself like a loving friend and realize that the best friend you can have is staring at you through that mirror and you don't need anyone else to get through this.
Good luck and many hugs.

Lonely Wolf 79 is right. You say your husband is not narcissistic, but I question that. AT the very least, if he is constantly criticizing you...think about what it is costing you for him to get his " IM SUPERIOR AND I KNOW BEST" FIX. I have found narcissism can take many forms. Get a therapist that can help you figure out what your hyper-critical husband is all about. I lived with a narcissist for 30 years who never did anything but criticize me. Never Again!!!

You are absolutely right.After learning about narcissist, I did have the same question.Then I took a narcissist scale to figure out if a person is a narcissist as myself,as my husband ,as my mother . The results were that he is very insecure but not at narcissistic level and my mother ranked in the narcissistic scale. But I'm going to keep a watch on this.
How do we find if a person is narcissistic?? My husband won't come in for therapy and hence it would hard for a therapist to figure it out.

Hi fqhi:

I really see it as a mistake to view anyone as a narcissist, and it is even worse to dish out nonprofessional diagnosis of narcissism, and the real NPD is a serious mental health issue so that if your husband really had the NPD then he needs your compassion instead of any condemnation for having such a sickness.

What I hear is people (mostly women) who are virtually all (all) jumping onto this bandwagon that their husbands are all narcissist and their BFs are all narcissist and especially every ex is always a narcissist as any ex husband or ex BF simply has to be a narcissist.

What is worse is that by viewing your hubby as the problem then the only solution is to break up the relationship, instead of working on your own issues and fix your self and then see if your hubby does not start seeming much less narcissistic as before.

You had trouble and codependency from your upbringing and your family of origin so first deal with that, and then everything else will become much more clear as your recovery gets improved.

Just my opinion here - and trying to be helpful.

Healing from the abuse of narcissistic parent(s) is a difficult journey. Congratulations on recognizing and starting your path.

It sounds like you were the scapegoat in your mothers eyes. You were blamed for everything. Now it is easier to focus on such remarks.

What you need to do is to heal yourself from the behaviors that you learned as a child. As you recover, you may find that your husband is not nearly as negative. It might also be that he is just that negative.

When you can react to your husband from a more balanced perspective, his comments will stop eliciting the same response. He will gradually stop using these tactics because he does not get the reaction that he wants whatever that is.

Positive affirmations work really well to heal that part of you that believes you are always wrong.

That is - if he is NOT a narcissist. Sadly, the personality disorder of narcissism is almost always terminal. They are emotional vampires living off the emotions of others. They need to provoke responses in others to make themselves feel OK. That is called getting their supply. In this way, they are more closely related to substance abusers than to any real mental health issues.


Most therapists don't treat many. Narcissists project any problem they have onto others. The only real solution to being in relationship with a narcissist is to end that relationship. They won't change because they need others the way and addict needs their substance to abuse. They can only feel vicariously. So they rarely ever recover at all.