Arika,
I hear the beaches in Croatia are very pretty. I have wanted to go there someday.

It sounds to me like you've gathered the advice you need through your reading. You know that your sister does not treat you the way you would like and that you want to break free of her. It seems like, since you know what you want, what you need to do now is do it.

It is hard to tell someone what steps to take in doing this, since it depends on what your goals are and what boundaries you want to put in place. All I would suggest is that you get started as soon as you feel ready... it does not get any easier to break free the longer that you wait to do it.

Good luck!

My first step has been to work on my boundaries and upholding them. That is challenging enough to uphold on a daily basis. It also includes not telling my partner what to do or trying to control him. I have to constantly remind myself he has his Path and I'm on mine. Just sharing my first step. Good luck!

Hi arika, and welcome here.

You do not need to break free from your sister, and it is never required for family members to break up as that is an extreme thing to do and only when there is violent abuse going on.

You are her sister for life, and it is a wonderful thing to be sisters, and especially twins.

Neither you or she wants to have a close personal relationship but you are still needed to take care of her then accept that reality as yours and her first boundary.

There is no reason to break free of your own sister and leave her stranded or helpless.

She really can not stop you from having your own life and your own friends unless you are not taking care of your own business.

The boundary just needs to be that you have to have certain time for your self, as like the weekends are for your self, and anything after 6 oclock is for your self, because those are very direct and specific boundaries which you can enforce whether she likes the hours or not.

And honestly so many people complain about being with a narcissistic person (NPD) but once we understand that dysfunction then the narcissist are easy to play with and tease and to manipulate, as just give her a little flattery any time she gets upset and a narcissist will brighten right up.

People have trouble with narcissist because they will argue and debate and fight against the narcissist and that just feeds the dysfunction onward into insanity.

And it troubles me that you say you are codependent with your sister, but are you NOT codependent with other people?

Again - welcome to this group.

hi Arika, I've been to Croatia many times and understand how treatments there are very different than in the US. But keep researching, and this group will help so much.

If your sister has NPD, then your only choice is to break free of her. They are emotional vampires. Addicted to other to get their narcissistic supply, they take from others with no regard for anyone but themselves. You likely don't even see all the ways that your sister is using you for her needs without any regard for you as a separate living being from her. Some abuse has to be seen from a distance.

It would be best for you to find a group that is dedicated to narcissistic abuse from family members. Then you can really see how she affects you.

There is no way to live with NPD! Only those who have suffered this sort of abuse can truly understand the twisted and brutal things that constantly happen to destroy our souls when constantly exposed to NPD.

thank you all for your replies :-)...yes Croatia is a very beautiful country.....this year there were a lot of tourist in Split (my home town) & lot of Croatians speak English very well, food is a little bit expensive that is the biggest problem I think....but if somebody wants to visit I know how to cook :-)....about my sister yes maybe I would have had the time to discover more my codependency on other people hadn't she not been so sick for the last 10 years (6 of which I only had one friend -HER), since she didn't want me to spend time with other people....but now that I have new friend and some old ones (and a life) I see I'm codependent on other people too, but it was mostly her for a long time...worrying about her needs and wishes and she threathining all the time she would commit suicide (but never actually came close), refusing therapy ( after one therapist suggested she is a covert narcisstist), ...so I took a role of her therapist, trying to "fix her"...I also felt a great sense of control over her in all of this (since my sister was always the more accomplished one before she got sick & I hated that)...anyway a bad relationship for both of us....even when I started to work I always used to worry about her (calling her & checking up on her)... I was like her parent (my mum couldn't be bothered)....so you see a very messed up situation all around & I would be very happy if I could get rid of her from my life (but I seem always to invite her back in somehow....out of guilt, control..???...)

I think I can't move on is a little bit my situation also :-D

What I see you describing is a far more emotional dependency instead of a physical abuse, and so you need to work on your own emotional boundaries.

Link https://independentfew.wordpress.com/2014/09/08/emotional-boundaries-the-kind-of-boundary-which-counts-the-most/

The problem with leaving the person or breaking up is that is just stopping the discomfort without treating the codependency.

If you stay close (but not too close) to your sister then you can create the healthy boundaries and improve the relationship.

If you just break up and leave then at any time in the future when you meet your sister again (which is certain to happen) then the same old dysfunctions will jump up again and you two will start all over again where you left off.

To leave the person does not ever heal the codependency, and you will carry the codependency with you into every other relationship because it needs to be healed at its source.

Next time (become emotionally detached) when she threatens suicide then tell her that you will bring flowers to her grave, and ask her how she wants her funeral to be, as in does she want a tombstone or does she want to be cremated, and do not make that as a joke because if she wants to die then you will need to make arrangements for her body.

The cold hard truth is the best treatment for any problem.

Just my opinion here.

Threats of suicide is the ultimate emotional abuse. Narcissists rarely commit suicide. This is emotional abuse much worse than any physical abuse. It destroys your spirit by placing a heavy load of guilt on you.

"When a victim of Narcissistic abuse gathers enough strength to leave the relationship, often the last resort for the Narcissist is to threaten to commit suicide after realizing hoovering and crying wont work. Once he recognizes his target isnt falling for the old tricks, he has to up the ante in order to capture the control he feels is slipping through his fingers like sand.

Narcissists rarely commit suicide. When a Narcissist threatens to do this, its generally as a means of manipulation. If your partner keeps bringing it up, you may want to look into whether they have Borderline Personality Disorder, which is very similar to NPD, but with its own specific set of behaviors. The two disorders are often confused with one another because they belong in the same cluster and share certain traits. Additionally, a person can have both disorders simultaneously."

from http://letmereach.com/2014/03/08/will-the-narcissist-really-commit-suicide-if-i-leave/

You can never fix her. NPD is usually terminal. They have to want to heal themselves. And narcissists simply don't have any desire to give up their addiction to using others for their supply. Just like codependency with any other addict, the codependent has to move away from the addict to heal themselves. WE have to give up on hoping for a decent relationship.

You can heal away from your sister. In fact, with narcissists most times it is necessary to get away especially when we are so deeply enmeshed that we give up our entire lives for the narcissist. There simply is no way to play their game and also experience the freedom that true healing brings. It's like trying to constantly walk on eggshells trying hard not to break them while someone else stomps on them accusing us of doing the damage.

Not sure how this part got removed. BUt the article goes on to say this about staying with someone who is this abusive.

"Regardless of which disorder they have, making this type of threat is a form of manipulation and control.

While no one wants to feel responsible for the self-inflicted death of another person, its important to understand that ultimately, its a choice the other person makes. If you have concerns that your partner may have BPD, the best you can do is try to help them seek treatment. However, I wouldnt advise staying in the relationship unless they do seek treatment and go on medications to control their impulsive behaviors. Even then, there is the risk of their stopping treatment and meds, so to stay in the relationship is a gamble, especially if children are involved."

Thanks to all for your great answers, I have no illusion regarding my part in our relationship....I see it very clearly I think....

It seems that my mother also enabled it when she decided to give more attention to her younger siblings (much younger brother and sister) and act as their mother (grandma ignored them) and she also (my mother) did the same to her children ignored us (me and my sister) so I pretended to be a mother to my sister for a long time instead of living my own life and my sister obviously didnt mind that..

..but regardless of that I want to see ( even more) clearly my own part in this relationship and do what I can to lead a separate life from my sister now....so any advice to move on is a good advice. thanks for your links and PM (btw..I have never had a serious relationship and don't have any children and basically don't know what I want from my life and am almost 40)....so there you go...anyway this weekend I didn't want to spend any time with either my mum or my sister and just focused on what I want and need to get better (spend time in the gym, when out with a friend)....I feel much better even though I wanted also to call my sister few times....(she sent like 10 messages that she needed something, but I just ignored it)....there is a lot of info online and I hope I will continue in a good direction with this mutual addiction that me and my sister have regarding eachother lives&boundaries ....