Hi cap..I used to seek approval from others by what I DID FOR them. I always put myself last and my happiness and my self-esteem depended on what others thought of me. Thank God those days are long gone. It took years of practice but it was worth it.

Simpy put, I never felt quite good enough. I always felt that I was competing with the world to be better because my good was not good enough.

I grew up with wonderful parents. I was truly blessed. My mom though, bless her was codependent. A wonderful amazing woman, but surely codependent. Her needs always came last. Hec, I don't know if she could of identified her needs, bless her heart.

So with all that is written I can only go on how I connected my "feel good feelings" TO other people.
Today, I truly have self-love and I like being with me. I feel responsible for my own happiness and if someone disagrees with me, or even rejects me, I certainly can deal with that. It does not paralyze me like it used to. I don't run around feeling like I have to make up for something. In short, I feel wonderful today about who I am.

I am far from perfect, I seek to learn more every day but I also don't take things personal. NOT everything is about me:))

Hope this helps some. I also want to mention that I have my "slips" too. We all will, no matter how far along we get in getting better. If I am tired or not feeling well it is easy to feel down about myself. The difference today is it is not a way of life, and it does not last.
EllaBlue

Ella, how much time alone did you spend to get to this point? Or at least to get noticably moving towards it?

Everything I felt relied on another person. I felt I had to be everything to everyone else but myself. Someone I barely knew not returning my smile and hello...I felt it was something I'd done and the rest of my day was ruined. I had all of this (what I thought was unexplainable) anger because ultimately, I did not receive that all consuming need of approval by others. For me, my needs weren't last, they never even made the list. Once everyone around me was "fixed", then maybe I might deserve something. Once I was able to find, identify and feel my own feelings, putting them in their place, the light got that much brighter each day until one day I saw myself and, for the most part, I liked what I saw...As Ellablue said, "I'm far from perfect."...and that's okay. It's alifetime commitment to yourself. Personally, and I think for most, we stumble and fall...but we pick ourselves back up and keep going because WE, ourselves, are worth it. Lynn

Ella and Lynn,, I need you! LOL
(code?)
I want to be you... tell me how to get there!
I over analyze everything that is said to me,,, I am going through a real life changing illness and cannot even bring myself to ask for help from my family. Actually, they don't even know that I am going through it. I still take care of all of them (talking about my parents, grown children and extended family and friends).. In truth I am very sick and I should have someone with me, but do not want to be a burden. I am going through counselling and am being told by my therapist that I need my loved ones at this time,, however, when you have always been the one they lean on, how do you change it and start leaing on them?

Ella,

Do you think there is some kind of familial link to codependence? Our mothers sound alike and perhaps you hit on what I am looking for, which is the causality to this condition. Your mother sounds like a blessed soul and it's nice to read how thankful you are to have loved her.

Perhaps it was years of observing my own mother that got me (us?) into this "modus operandi" myself.

It sounds like you have a healthy view (and likely more accurate) of yourself, recognizing that the glass is neither full nor empty. On the worst days, I know intellectually that I don't deserve to be ripped on. I'm probably never worth what I think I am on my proudest moments either.

And Lynnie, you like Ella have found wisdom dealing with this condition and it's probably not fair to expect an answer in English how you did it.

Maybe I'm stereotyping but my gut tells me codependence is far more common in females. In that regard, there is a quality of shame inside of me. I noticed there was a CodepAnon meeting in my city and I am trying to imagine if there is any potential help there for me.

It sounds like issues regarding self-worth might be common with codependent people. If self-worth is deeper than codependence, I'd like to keep digging till I hit bedrock and then I can start my own path to recovery.

But what about depression, anxiety and other conditions? My ex was bipolar and had anxiety. I tried so hard to identify with her own problems and understand her (driven by my own perceived need for her love and acceptance) that I ended up adopting her anxiety as my own.

She even said "why do I have this effect on other people?" as if to say that anxiety is contagious. Of course it is not, however based on my own personal experence I firmly believe that it is. :)

I guess I could search through some of your profiles to see if you're depressed as well, or what other conditions may apply. For some reason I would so much rather just talk to folks than nose through their profiles.

I exhibited some codepency in my marriage. However, my sense of self worth was not dependent on others. I have always known who I am and I like myself. There was a period toward the end of my marriage that I was trying to change too much to please my (now ex) wife. As a result of trying to change who I was, I became depressed, I was too stressed and lost weight, and I was not at all happy. Since the divorce, I have relaxed, regained the weight I lost, and I am happy again.

I believe that certain codependent characteristics can be amplified by the people you are with. I didn't exhibit any codependency in any other relationships other than with my (now ex) wife.

cap'n.
i think codependency is more prevalent in females because we are socialized to sacrifice. to put ourselves last. to do without. to squelch our emotions etc. so that we are not perceived as "bitches" or "crazy".
i think men are socialized to cope with childhood family dysfunction through "anger" "repression" and "shutting down"....
does that make sense?

there are many coD men in my al anon meetings. most of them are there because they have "love addiction" not really an issue with a loved one's drinking.
several have told me a book "facing love addiction" by pia mellody really gave them some introspection into the issues.
according to ms mellody, love addiction and codependency are not the same but two branches of the same tree.....

as for the shame, we've all got it for some reason. most of it comes from not being who we are "expected" or "encouraged" or "forced" to be in our families of origin.like you said, "it is a very natural response" to unhealthy and dysfunctional families.
like ella, my mom was a raging codependent, but she was also the daughter of a "dry drunk" a verbally abusive and controlling man. she displayed nor tolerated any emotion or any state of being other than perfection. pretty tall order.
for me, i was not allowed to feel, express or do anything other than be happy and helpful and cooperative.
i sought affection and love this way.
i had to jump through those hoops to get love. although i never really got it anyway.
this led to a duality of my reality.
i was who i was with family and who i was with the rest of the world.
oved and lost a lot of loser men because of my illness. always attracted to those who would just confirm my shitty opinion of myself...
"healing the child within" is a great book for finding the answers you seek.
i've only read it once and already i feel like i'm having a second childhood in the way i approach people and the world.
it's liberating!!!!
the great news is we can heal, move on, achieve peace and actually be happy!
blessings!

wow, these posts are all so fascinating, just learning about this. I am very anxious about asking for help from others, that is apparently, from these posts, a symptom as well...I need to learn more..:0(

Hello Capn-I can identify with Ella and afloat, because some of the things they've experienced, I did too. To me, learning to accept who I was created to be, not what anyone else wanted me to be was huge. Sometimes when I find I'm being manipulated, or my boundaries are being walked all over, I get triggered into a somewhat rebellious nature. I too believe that anxiety, depression and other attitudes are contagious. "You are what you hang with." I've seen and experienced ethusiasm, helpfulness, inspiration and encouragement, that is contagious. We all want to connect to something real..we were co-dependent on our mother's in their womb and up until we started to move about the earths surfaces on our own. So not all of co-dependent features or characteristic are unhealthy-it's missing the parts where we can acknowledge, that's not my baggage to carry, control or relieve the pressure for another....they have choices and giving them full permission to choose their own outcomes is a valuable key. Keep coming back, there are many men here and I personally believe that all addictions, first start and are rooted from not knowing how to deal with codependency.

Hi cap,
Every path is unique, looking inside yourself, separating yourself from others, what are your emotions, what are created by the dynamic of a particular relationship and what belongs to other people.
Hmmm, in english...well, I changed the status quo and all of my relationships changed, some ended. With Codependent No More in hand...after having thrown it across the room to sit for a week b/c I was so angry that it had me nailed and it brought up everything I was avoiding...I read, I disected...this is where over analysing was actually good...lol. Seeing my therapist weekly, defining my current core relationships; husband, mother, brother, grandpa, friend...those were mine at the time. My therapist put them in a circular pie diagram. I identified my negative/destructive behaviors towards each one and their behaviors represented in Codependent No More. It gave me parameters, something defined/tangible, I could work with. After dealing with years of unexpressed, unacknowledged emotion, I was able to determine what was okay and not okay for me within each relationship...my boundaries...healthy boundaries that alowed me to be me, without taking on others responsibilites, emotions...or as it can be referred to, detachment with love. And, I journaled like you wouldn't believe...I have 6 or 7 huge notebooks filled from maybe 2 years time!(the intense time...still see therapist 13 years later.)
Depression, anxiety, etc., yes, you can have it yourself, take it on from someone else...I thought I was depressed and came to realize mine was what is called situational depression...I'm actually a rather happy person!...wooo hooo.
My biggest Ahaa moment early on was when i walked outside, smelled the sweet air from a recent rain and it made me feel wonderful. I'd been dead inside for so long. I was alive again! Another Ahaa moment was when I realized I wasn't rehashing old situations, emotions with my mother, etc. I was dealing with the present. I expressed my feelings honestly, without guilt and without hurtful intent.
Life has come full circle, so to speak, for me. My mother lives with my son and I now. She still has all those behaviors (dry drunk). My son, Ryan, is ADHD, bp and epileptic. Ryan's personality leans more toward his father's personality (alcoholic, drug abuser, abused him.) and my mother's...so, it is a constant struggle. I fight to keep from returning to those destructive behaviors. There are days better than others and days I don't want to open my eyes. I remind myself I wouldn't be here, nor would I be the person I am without my mother...she is quite amazing despite the icky stuff. And, Ryan, I am here to love him unconditionally, teach him, guide and give him the tools so he can be healthy.
Right now my codependent issue is the impact of my disability...not being able to be responsible for what is mine due to physical and financial limitations...this is where asking for help is huge and also my biggest problem, so, jerriean, I empathise and understand whole-heartedly. Be kind and patient with yourself. You have to take care of you in order to take care of anyone else.
cap-I agree, I'd much rather talk then just read about people...can you tell?...hehehe
1 day, 1 hour, 1 minute, 1 second at a time...whatever you need.
xxxxx,Lynn