Hello I am new to the group and I am reaching out because I struggle every day of my life being the codependant wife of an addict whom i love more than I thought was possible.  The problem is he has been struggling to stay clean and has fallen off the wagon a lot and has caused major trust issues in our marriage because of all the lies and hiding and everything else that comes with addiction and its been over 5 years now and I cannot leave him because i love him no matter how miserable his addiction and lies make me. I want to believe this will get better but its been years of the same lies and manipulations and I am fully aware that the possibility that he will choose me and our family over his drugs and be what we need is very slim.  Having said that, I am totally paralized and have no idea how to cope or how to leave or how to feel anymore.  i love him and when its good its soooo good but when its bad its bad and that is more often than when its good, I cry almost every day because of the thoughts in my head or because of a lie he just told, I have so much anxiety that I honestly feel like its killing me slowly, I dont do anything for myself as far as hobbies or friends, I work and go home and take care of kids and on the weekend im either home with them or with my husband if he isnt working.. that is what my life consists of.    My husband is a very loving caring hard working man who always works and financially provides and he has so many qualitites that are wonderful but he keeps wanting to smoke pot and I wont agree to it and that makes us fight, and yes i know its legal in many states but not mine and he can lose his job, and he is an addict so anything that gets him high is not being sober and it leads to him literally being high all day every day and making poor choices..  I have given him so many chances because I honestly see more potential for change in him than I have ever seen in an addict.. Everyone in his life has given up on him and only enabled his behavior and I am the first wife hes ever had and the first sober woman he has ever been with and for the longest time things were good and then one day he fell and he never got back to where he was fully sober, he as far as I know is no longer on meth, he does take methadone to  help stay off opiates and he says he isnt smoking pot but i dont believe anything he says to me at all..  I want to know how to stop being codependant and letting his addiction affect my life and my feelings or how to stop being paralyzed and break free without all the sadness that comes with it.. he left last summer for 11 days and in that time im sure he slept around and i know he did meth and a bunch of other things and almost died and i begged him to come home and let me help him and he did and i still hurt from all of that.. I also lost a pound a day when he was gone and couldnt do anything but cry the entire time he was gone.. pls if anyone out there has been here I could really use some advise, this is the first group ive joined..