i have been thinking today about how i have tried to pretend that he is something that he is not. he was different right? he was not the lazy guy that expected me to take care of him. he was not the jerk that after i have worked 10 hours asks me to pick him up a sandwich on the way home. he was not the type of guy that tells me that i just dont know how to let someone treat me good? he would not blackmail with me with comments like i am not leaving till i get money or the type that would tell others what an asshole i was cause i was not taking care of him like he took care of me? he was not the type to endanger my profession by having pot on my property. he did not try to make me feel guilty by saying- wish i will just sleep in the street. he was not the guy with an alcohol problems with out a liscence that he expects me to help him get back, cause he helped me years ago and i owe him. he was not the type to treat my son bad cause after all he lost a son and surley would understand the feelings that i have for my son with heart disease. and he would never refuse me comfort when i am sad or upset. he would never go on and on about what he does which is very little after i work hard. he would never tell people that he does it all and i dont appreciate what he does. he would never try to interfer with my family relationships by running me into the ground to them and causing conflict in an already stressed situation. go to chruch or counceling with me yeah that a possible thing that we could do but they would tell us to stop drinking. duh? he is just another addict that has a very manipulative story and wants me to take care of him. that way he never comes face to face with his own problems as i have made it all easy. i hang onto the relationship so that i also dont face my demons and addicts.
yeah right and i am an addict to bad relationships for some reason that i dont totally understand. family of origin is a good clue. we have all been dysfunctional and code right from the start related to our messed up family.
so code is a very difficult way to live and destroys us and causes us to cling to these people that are worthless and dont care about being there for us as a companion and someone that we can trust with my deepest thought and needs. i have not trusted him with my needs for years. living in a world that seems like it is a life that i dont participate in that i have just tolerated. this is my problem, but we find those that fit into this messed up dance. just saying how much i am seeing and feeling finally. have lived in an atmosphere of fear, deprivation, manipualtion, and denial. some of this is holding on to the dream that i had for us and that i thought that i had finally found my soul mate. i love who i thought he was not who he is.