Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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sassybabe11 09/14/2013

I don't really have a close relationship with my daughter but sense she had kids I have visited with and been a part of the kids lives. have to drive 200 miles to her house. around and with a lot of pre-planning around my work schedule. have been helping them financially since last summer when the 3rd child had a premature birth and was in the hospital for 3 weeks. I mean like 50-100 dollars a month and taking out to eat or buying her gas when there. so not a lot of money. not putting myself in any financial peril but have worked extra hours to help them. so went grandparents day. there kids are not sleeping well and neither are they. they are def stressed out. so getting ready for school thing and she keep saying -why aren't you ready. you have to be there at 1030. so I said well might be 1035 before I can get there. she blows up- "its all about you isn't it- think you can go when u want- your not walking in late" telling other grandma to go without me cause I was running late. started yelling at me " you woke u the baby when you got here by ringing the doorbell" I called her a bitch and then she is yelling at me" how dare you call me a bitch in my house this is my house". I was so mad that I got in my car and left and drove home after the school thing. before I left she kept saying -"don't leave lets hash this out" I could not stay the build up of egg walking for the last few years just was so intense and I was so angry and disillusioned that I even told her that I did not care what here issues were and that she made it so difficult to visit and that I felt so uncomfortable that it would be along time before I returned. what about the grandkids- said they can come to my house anytime. said that she was sick of me dangling money over here!!! wow really ok guess what that wont happen again. I can honestly say that I have not done this wanted to help and get them something's they can afford. so told her ok that will not happen again either. seems that my higher power is showing me that the only person that I can lean on is him and then me. my kids did not have a perfect upbringing for sure. but I did the best I could. i loved and gave to them as much as i could. I worked a lot to get them what they wanted and needed. made sure that they were active in school activities and we traveled a lot and they had a large extended family. they were exposed to my abusive ex and there biological dad was never in the pic. so i am sure they have issues. glad i am at home this morning and away from them with no future plans to visit. wow wow wow!!!

Booky 09/14/2013

From what you describe above - your daughter is trying hard to be nice to you, and she is trying to make the relationship with you to function, while you are fighting her every step of the way.

You are not allowed to call names, and definitely not to call your own daughter by the "b" word.

And your plan of arriving 5 minutes late (10:35) was a terrible thing to say - must worse to do.

Quote = before I left she kept saying -"don't leave lets hash this out"

She is pleading with you and you reject her!

deleted_user 09/14/2013

Hi Sassy: I'm so sorry for what you went through. I was in college and working at the same time and I had my young child and couldn't always make it exactly on time to things because work doesn't let you out early for activities. It's not like getting permission slips to leave early when you were in grammar school and high school.

I appreciate that since your daughter had the premature birth, you were driving 200 miles and worked the extra hours to provide some money for your daughter and your grandkids. You say it isn't a lot, but it is and when money is scarce, any amount really makes a difference. If it didn't matter, your daughter wouldn't have accepted it all the time.

I agree with you and think you are wise to now set boundaries to stop the money and the visits. Having your daughter yelling at you because you will be 5 minutes late to a child's school activity--I don't believe it was about you or the school activity and was about your daughter.

Maybe at some future date she'll be willing to apologize and talk to you about it. But you absolutely have the right to set boundaries so you are not treated like that again. Many, many hugs.

arbe 09/14/2013

Hi Sassy
Yep, me too, I think it was all about the daughter and she may have been projecting her issues on to you. Whatever....while it is really hard in the heat of the moment, really, all we can control or try to is our own behavior. And yes ...it does drain one's energy
rick
hugs

arbe 09/14/2013

forgot to say that feeling not appreciated can be a huge trigger, for me too

deleted_user 09/14/2013

How sad that such a fun, happy time deteriorated so badly. I can see a lot of code issues going on here, on both your parts. You did not say if she asked for the money in the past, or if you just freely gave it. Either way, it was nice of you. I hope in the past it was received with appreciation by her. Perhaps she feels you are trying to control her or buy her love with the money. Maybe she feels guilty for taking the money when she probably knows that you don't have a lot to give. These are things that should be discussed between you after you have both calmed down. Also, as codes we sometimes over-give and then feel angry when we don't feel appreciated for it. If the money was freely given, and not asked for, then treat it as a gift and don't hold it over her head. Perhaps she feels she owes you something that she can't repay, and that is triggering some insecurity in her. It may be making her feel inadequate as a parent that you may think she can't provide for her kids properly. Again, this is something that should be discussed between you, either in person or at the very least on the phone. Perhaps write down ahead of time what you want to say to her, to keep the motion and triggers out of it. I find that helps me to focus on what I want to say and not get triggered by something the other person says. Hopefully it can be worked out, because there are 3 beautiful grandchildren that will suffer if you can repair your relationship. Hugs.

sassybabe11 09/14/2013

thanks for the comments. I expected booky to post something along these lines. you do present another perspective but don't agree that 5 min's is a big deal. she is late all the time. one reason I was running late was cause I was trying to get the 2 year old asleep while she took a shower. the b word slipped out but don't really feel that bad about it. this is not a shocking word in our circle. she was being very unreasonable. she has never really just asked me for money but asked for me to get things for the kids. which what grandma does not want to do that? it does not put me in a bad place to help them at all. I love to get the kids things and help them be in activities. I have rarely felt comfortable staying at their house and I don't want to feel this way anymore. am putting up boundaries with her. I said it would be along time before I returned and only if things get more comfortable for all. do tell her that I want to help cause I know what it is like to not be able to get your kids things they want and nice clothes. or to be in gymnastics. or get to go to the show or a museum or the zoo. these are the things that I help with. my kids did have these things but only because of financial planning and working hard to provide. honestly I am just relieved that I will not have to go back and ignore the elephant in the living room. motel for me when I go to visit again which will not be for along time. this is the other thing when they come to my house I make it comfortable, cook, entertain, and certainly don't flip out when she is running late ( which is a lot). my son will not go to their house anymore. the mother of the husband and her other children don't want to go there either. they are rude and unaccommodating to them also. I did tell her that also. and one more things. they complain that one on visits or helps them!!! thanks for listening

deleted_user 09/14/2013

Well, this child sadly has no appreciation for all the things that you have done for her and continue to do for her. Since she started with the nasty accusations claiming that everything is always all about you, you were perfectly well within your rights to clearly state the obvious.

I don't understand why children grow up so thankless these days. They simply don't get how much it takes to raise them. Then they just take take take and think it is OK to be angry.

She clearly is projecting her own guilt and issues onto you instead of facing her realities and feelings and dealing with them. You need to set boundaries with her. No more money! No more visits while she refuses to behave politely toward you.

She needs to understand what is means to have a mom who helps her now before she totally gets so self centered that she can't see how she is ruining her childrens lives.

AsTimeGoesBy is as usual right on the mark with her advice. So I won't repeat what she has offered.

Hope you feel better
Sunny

deleted_user 09/14/2013

I nearly died from a serious illness my self. Despite the best laid plans, there were times when we were late. 5 minutes is no big deal.
Really, this child needs a reality check on life and its real issues.

Glad to meet you

sassybabe11 09/14/2013

that's sunnybunn I do agree that she has issues that she directs at me and yes 5 minute's is and should have not been a big deal.

deleted_user 09/14/2013

Family can be the absolute worst about treating the dependable ones with courtesy and respect. I get where you are coming from sadly because I have a sibling with Bi-polar who refuses treatments. This sibling will invite family to visit (we travel over 700 miles to get there), then in the middle of the visit simply wig out and start screaming and throwing things and telling us we are all "taking advantage" of her. When it happened at Christmas, that was the last time for me. We had to leave in the middle of the dinner that hubby and I stopped to purchase per her demands for special VERY expensive items. I still believe she planned it so she'd have most all the special food for herself and her family by forcing all of us to leave before eating.
I have every right to plan a nice holiday and expect that pleasant times will occur after very long journeys. And that I will get to eat the foods that I purchase.

We had an intervention, she choose the no treatment choice. So we choose the no contact consequence. Thankfully, all this was done under the care of a family therapist who helped all of us face reality and establish boundaries and allow her to choose what she wanted and give us choices as well.

I am sure your daughter is NOT bi-polar. I do understand what it is like to be treated badly without cause. It is hard to understand. And unless we face the reality that we are being taken advantage of, we are trapped in relationship with people who just take and take and we lose. That is NOT relationship. That is being used.

I hope your daughter realizes that she behaved badly and turns herself around. I still wish my sibling had chosen to do the work required to actually have a relationship. But I have to be OK with her choice and I am much happier no longer being kicked around every time she has her ups and downs and demands that family FIX things FOR HER.

We can only be responsible for the choices that we make in life. There is no way to force anyone to do anything that they choose to refuse or avoid.

I am sorry that this happened to you. It is sad. Hopefully, your son and you have a good relationship.

Take care
Sunny

sassybabe11 09/15/2013

sunnybunn- interesting had an intervention and she choose not to change anything? so do you still get together or no contact is the decision that you came to live by?
its really sad to want to be a part of someone that you love and they continue to behave badly.
have been doing some looking back and the visits have rarely been really comfortable. when the baby boy was born and was in NIC they would not give them permission to let me or her husbands mom call to see how he was doing. said that we needed to ask her or husband and they will let us know what we need to know!.
I could really go on and on but need its all just so sad for me. so know that she has issues and that I am being code by doing and doing and giving and giving to usually get just tolerated and kept at a distance. she told me another time - there are a lot of things that we do that you don't know about. she was talking about a planned job change for her and husband. not sure why that was a secret. I felt confused like ok?

Admiral1cu 09/15/2013

Abuse. She sound like she is self fess at exspence of others and she knows how to use her children to get what she want's.
your getting something out of it. you must like it.
As a Granny. regarding bk to school. I buy 2 pairs of shoes, a new coat n gloves. the rest is not my bill to pay. I buy child 1 gift for chriistmas n 1 for b-day w cards. oh ya in spring I buy easter shoes. in summer I buy child new swim suit. That is all that I do and that is far to much.
My time is jut that, time spent on myself.
I had nothing to do with my son choise to have sex and to do so w/o condum and I didn't have anythimg to do with her spreading her legs. I didn't give birth to grand child. I pay tax's for those who can't afford children but feel it is their self serveing duty to repopulate the world.
Sorry.

deleted_user 09/15/2013

She choose to demand that we continue being woken up in the middle of the night to bail her out when she was so rude to the police they took her in. She choose to expect that the rest of the family be at her beck and call because she "has a mental illness" and she expects that everyone else in this family treat her like it is the end of the world allowing her to be abusive and accepting her behavior because she is sick.

Thankfully, the interventionist compared her choice to not seek treatment to a person with a physical illness refusing to take medications and pointed out that no one deserves to expect family to try and figure out medicine. She explained that choosing no treatment meant continued abuse and family has a right to not be abused just because one member is ill.

I have not seen her in many years. IN fact, the last phone call was on 9/11. That was the last straw. I would not have known that was going on except that she called to ask if our parents "made their plane". They were traveling on the 12th. She just wanted to destroy my peaceful life by making sure to expose us to nasty news. She is a piece of work.

sassybabe11 09/15/2013

well I certainly don't like it. I like to help and love getting my grandkids things and spending time with them. they have had a rough year with the premature baby and my daughter could not work when that was going on for months. I wanted to lessen the stress and that's what I thought that I should do as a mother. I see so many that get free medical and all kinds of assistance. they both are hard workers and so I tried. I am sure that things will work out and maybe be better for the future. but will not go there again until I feel comfortable and welcomed. when the baby was in ICU last summer they would not allow me or the other grandmother to call and ask how the baby was. she said you will have to ask me. I was really taken back by that. maybe in a way I was trying to buy their love and acceptance as I look at the situation but I also wanted to give them things that I could afford to do not only for acceptance. for when she was home at my house she was really difficult to deal with. would not follow rules such as not smoking in her bedroom and her dog tore up a lot of things. I let the dog stay there and loved the dog also but for someone to be so disrespectful and then turn around and be so difficult at her house if hard for me to swallow. I kept the dog for months after she moved until they could get a place to keep her. but when it was time to take her to their house she said-that's my dog and I am taking her. I had grown attached to the dog and really did not want to let her go. I know how stressed they are and just wanted to help them. but guess it was taken wrong. got to get over my anger and move on.
wow sunnybunn that is just sad that your sis could not compromise and reach out to others for help and to have a relationship with you and the other family members. sorry you had to deal with that.

deleted_user 09/16/2013

Perhaps in the future you could send things to the kids directly. Perhaps she feels that accepting your help is making her feel less capable as a parent. There is certainly no good reason for taking things out on your parent, but often family seems the most comfortable and we can be ourselves around them. I would give her time to cool off, then I would either right a letter or send an e-mail and just state that you not interfere in her family anymore, and that you will just send gifts to the kids. Let her come to you if she needs something in the future instead of you guessing what would help her and then acting on it. If she has to come to you to ask for help she may be more contrite. And I certainly wouldn't give her anything if she isn't nice. Teach her how to treat you with respect. (I'm still working on this one, by the way!)

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