Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
The first time I was told I was codependent was at 16; I stayed with that man for 7 years and married him before I met H, due to traumatic bonding, my inability to be alone, and ultimately a strange revelation that he was he was the man of everyone's dreams: stable, loyal, handsome, successful.
Then H came along and I separated from my husband. It was emotionally manipulative both ways, he got violent until it became abusive, then I got unexpectedly pregnant. We were both so happy at first but I knew in had to terminate: it was almost universally medically recommended at 6 weeks because of medication I was on.
I struggled with that. He became more physically abusive and we became more wrapped in our relarionship. I eventually left and filed a police report for extensive injuries. They gave me a temporary protective order.
Why am I posting? 3;weeks NC and I can barely make it through a day. I regret giving up the baby so badly I spend most nights sleeplees. I depended on H's love and can't go on without him. I reconciled with my husband, we are content, but I still need H. I feel like I always need multiple people on my life to love me. None more than H, especially after reading old messages from him today.
Help :/ all I can do is fight off the urge to drink or break the temporary PO. I know after my statement sent him to jail he could never love me again. At the same time, I need him more than breathing at times.
Then H came along and I separated from my husband. It was emotionally manipulative both ways, he got violent until it became abusive, then I got unexpectedly pregnant. We were both so happy at first but I knew in had to terminate: it was almost universally medically recommended at 6 weeks because of medication I was on.
I struggled with that. He became more physically abusive and we became more wrapped in our relarionship. I eventually left and filed a police report for extensive injuries. They gave me a temporary protective order.
Why am I posting? 3;weeks NC and I can barely make it through a day. I regret giving up the baby so badly I spend most nights sleeplees. I depended on H's love and can't go on without him. I reconciled with my husband, we are content, but I still need H. I feel like I always need multiple people on my life to love me. None more than H, especially after reading old messages from him today.
Help :/ all I can do is fight off the urge to drink or break the temporary PO. I know after my statement sent him to jail he could never love me again. At the same time, I need him more than breathing at times.
I was a bit confused about your post- is your HUSBAND the good one and you just got lucky that he turned out good after traumatic bonding? Or are you calling H the perfect one, who's also abusive???
Does your husband know about H? It sounds like he's a saint to take you back after your affair. WHY are you still needing a man you had to put in jail?
No offense, but you are severely damaged and must get help immediately. DO NOT CONTACT H. Better to check yourself into some treatment center than to explore that again.
Also get counseling for the termination of the pregnancy.
I'm so sorry for your pain. You deserve a break from it. Hugs.
You should go and see a therapist. Try not to think about H. Try to focus on yourself. You do not need to go through this alone and drink should not be your only answer.
Go and find someone to talk to and try and resolve some of the issues you may be facing.
My heart goes out to you.
My husband is the good one. We were separated before H but it happened around the same time, I wasn't clear on that. The traumatic bonding incident he and I went through was actually bonding over a shared trauma... it wasn't abuse. I used that term incorrectly and I apologize. He is truly a saint and I can't express my shame properly. I don't feel like I deserve a break from any pain, but I'm trying not to wallow in it because my husband doesn't deserve to deal with more fallout from my mistakes.
MStillStanding, I know you're right. The thoughts are obsessive and I really just made it worse reading through our old conversations yesterday. The highs were spectacular and he was wonderful when he wasn't hitting me or emotionally abusing me. I know that no matter how spectacular it was, the second part of the previous sentence is reason enough to leave it behind.
whativegot, thank you for everything. I am going to the clinic for a free post-abortion counseling session. I think I can continue to go as long as I need. I feel so much guilt spending money going to a therapist, because while I can afford it I feel so selfish spending money to feel better about a situation I put myself in. I know that isn't the right way to think about it but I have always been a person who feels guilt deeply and excessively.
I would suggest to take it one step further and beyond going to a counseling session, actually check yourself in for an evaluation and have your medications re-evaluated (you said you are on medication, so I am assuming it is for mental assistance-as you seem to speak on trauma's). This sounds of paramount importance to your life at this point.
I am certainly sorry to hear about your overwhelming feelings and despair about the baby. I know that the adage that time will ease the pain doesn't necessarily help, but just know that is in your future.
Take care of you, and ensure you are getting yourself all the help you actually need in an effort to help find your happiness again and to feel better about your life!
xxoo
My medication is actually for my physical health, not for my mental health. I was on an anti-depressant long ago for the trauma I mentioned and actually fixed the "PTSD-like" symptoms and the mood swings so quickly that I went off after 3 months and was fine until now. If these feelings continue I may visit my psychiatrist and discuss going on whatever course is necessary. The psychologist I visited as a teenager was very poor (bad advice and I had to BEG to try medication because nothing else was working after months - lo and behold, it was exactly what I needed) so I think that's part of my reluctance to go back to counseling. Hopefully tomorrow's appointment helps me change my view.
Thank you for your response. I'm trying to keep in mind that time will lessen the pain.
I just posted a book title in a different forum post that I read that helped me break from unhealthy romantic relationships. It's called Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It by Kamal Ravikant. While I don't think this book is the answer to all your problems (I agree with others that you need counseling), it can help you start to re-wire your brain towards self love. As codepnendents, we need to acknowledge what led to our distorted thinking, and then we need to learn a new way to move through the world that's focused on self love rather than what others think of us. When you can do this successfully, you will not feel that you "need" H anymore. I also like MStillStanding's idea of turning to prayer or a mantra. When you start to obsess, go to your prayer or mantra and use it to replace your obsessive thoughts. Alternatively, when you start to think of H, you can close your eyes and say something to the effect of, "go now and leave me in peace." But prayer is a wonderful way to calm the mind and body.
I am sorry to hear about all the pain that you're in, physical and mental. And rest assured, you can post here if you're in a confused state of mind. You're allowed to come as you are. I hope that you can see a talented therapist who can help you sort through the pain and find a new, empowering way to move through the world. We stand with you, and I hope we can bear witness to your recovery.
I second Aurora's book suggestion. It's quick, it took me an hour to read it.
Also, you said "...because my husband doesn't deserve to deal with more fallout from my mistakes." I know I'm taking it out of context, but in response to you feeling guilty for spending money on therapy for yourself, perhaps, for now just to get you started, you could view the money you spend on therapy as a way to prevent your husband from dealing with more "fallout"....it was just a thought. I know I used to feel really guilty on spending any money on therapy when I felt like I had friends and people in my life I "should" depend on instead. I know I had to adjust my thinking and views on it to get myself even started....
Whatever you do, good luck and glad you are posting and sharing instead of bottling it all up and hiding it.
So... in honor of realizing that your maladaptive strategies have caused your husband pain, I'd get my butt to some intensive treatment.
I can suggest a place if you PM me. It did wonders. BTW- what meds for PTSD? I'm curious.
I just got on here and read your post. Oh, I wish I could give you a big hug--I went through something similar (with complications in an early pregnancy) and that alone is devastating. You have to be as gentle on yourself as you can, and as others have advised, spend the $ for counseling-- you need it for obvious reasons. It sounds like your husband has forgiven you, but you have not--I am still confused when you said that "H" was abusive, but you still long for him--if this is true, counseling is even more urgent and necessary.
Sending you hugs and prayers--remember, you are worth it.