Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hi
struggling atm with boundary violations in a friendship . Background 7 year friendship with a girl who has a very strong sense of self and alpha female personality not a narcissist but due to a loving self focussed upbringing that’s her personality .
In the friendship group there’s me whose recovering from codependency and another friend who is a codependent in denial now there’s a few things that have really got on my nerves and today just topped it off below are the boundary violations .
1) conversations mostly dominate around said person and her stories . If attention is not on herself I can sense the jealousy she will refocus back to herself . She will show interest but just enough to show she cares now I’m not saying she’s not caring she can be supportive but that’s the general theme .
2) on holiday with her when I was getting attention from a one guy she had to dominate and flirt to get her way around I’m more shy .
3) before going on holiday we went shopping . My mum has bipolar rages I’ve got a brother with menta heath issues and another brother whose irresponsible. My house is abit messy at times and because she comes from a functional household she wanted to last minute come down mine. I kind of asserted we will meet some other day . She has to push and say ‘is it ok if I come to yours for abit ‘ I didn’t want to come across rude so I said ok when I didn’t really want to because she lacks the interest and understanding of my family dynamics What she went and done was sat for literally 5 minutes and went home , another boundary violation.
4) my partners dad passed away recently and this was mentioned to her I was dealing with a grieving partner . We met up most of the conversation revolved around her date she asked one or 2 questions to show enough interest . The following time we met she actually had the nerve to say to me ‘who was it that passed away again ‘.
5) we had arranged to watch a move the three of us today as we have not met up for quite a while . Last minute she texts saying can we do another day I’ve got a lot going on she went off to watch a movie with her partner whose she’s recently seeing !Me and my other mate decided to still go out and watch the movie which I don’t think she was too happy about .
6) when o first met my partner and got to know him he’s not her type she had to make that known a few times . But she struggles with feedback if we don’t find her prospective partners attractive she will have a blank face , attention has to be focussed mainly on her music in the car generally dominates around what she likes and if she don’t like something she will make it known where as me and my friend will be polite and try not to offend or strongly exert ourselves .
7) when it comes to guys interested in her is extremely shallow wont hesitate to offend people’s looks saying their not attractive .
I’m trying to keep the friendship but maintain my sense of self in the process without walking off the relationship.
I feel like the friendship is mainly there to get her needs met . I’m thinking limiting meeting up with this girl .
This will all come across subjective but any feedback on the friendship and how to react in a non codependent way would be appreciated . Thanks
You have pretty much laid your case with 7 points...described in detail...her self absorbed behavior...narcissistic or not. Selfish people make bad friends too.
I think you know what you want to do, but being codependent...we don't trust ourselves...and always give others the benefit of the doubt.
Thank you for your post...b/c it made me reflect on a few of my own friendships that I've bounced back and forth on whether I should let them go or not.
Sending you light and love.
We have to be real and honest with ourselves in a friendship but react in a mature heathy way then the codependent way .
Just before I was going to make my getting married date official with my family my friend suddenly announces she’s engaged to someone she has not known very long at all , overshadowing what should have been my limelight for the engagement .
I came to terms with that after feeling shocked and I am proud that i actually detached from her with boundaries in place to maintain the friendship at a safe distance for me . Her wedding is in a few months and she has left 6 months to plan and get married . So we had to try and adjust our dates around her .
When mentioning il need to get something new for your wedding , she had the nerve to say she will wear what she wore at her elder sisters wedding( which was 7 years ago ) to mine which I found odd to wear to a ‘close friends ‘ wedding considering the loyalty I had given and the values I have .
In all of this because I had detached in subtle ways by not paying so much attention to her on social media setting emotional boundaries , not meeting as often , asserting myself her behaviour has not got to me as it would have in my old codependent days which I am really proud of .
However she did also mention her sister will be getting and married whose in the same house and guess what , Lo and behold her wedding dates also fall in the same week as mine .
With the culture I come from weddings tend to be an event for atleast a few days minimum 2 a lot of the times , so thats another way of her IMO being self centred
I’m not going to sit here and pley victim , I’ve healed to a lever where her behaviour won’t be triggering my abandonment and rejection wounds and I can see it for what it is . It may all seem like a coincidence the planning of this but I think not I’m not going to live in denial of my own reality .
We can change our distorted Thinking in codependency but we do also have to feel our feelings validate them and react accordingly especially in close relationships or when we have been triggered we will have emotional reactions as humans all part of the inner child work .
My therapist. If you have trauma
You react differently even if you
Have a lot of recovery.
I try to stay away from the bad
Guys/bullies so i can stay and be
safe. Sometimes I can get sucked
in. They Are not always bad and i
have to Deal with them regardless
Plus they have some Good points.
My brain Does know to Watch out
for them. Doesn’t mean i don't get
caught out. Its usually the same
People that can get to me and
They Make me mad. They discount
What your said or how you feel.
My XMIL was a queen of that.
I find controlling And selfish
people want You in the one
down position And will do any
thing to keep You there. How
else are they Going to control
you and try To Diminish/dismiss/
invalidate you.
I pray to never deal with another
One again thats not life though. Those
wounded adult children are every
Where,
Attachment comes into play too. If
Its someone i dont care about its
Not worrisome. If we have some
Kind of relationship they can get
Under my skin, HUGS
Something I often ponder about is the idea that those people who annoy us the most, or irritate or anger us, are mirroring aspects of ourselves that we don't like. How this goes is: if we didn't share a trait, it would not bother us so much. So if someone is angry all the time, and I get frustrated and angry at their anger, what is this telling me about me? Yes, I do have to know, name, and feel my feelings. Be in touch within. But if it is true that what annoys us in others is mirroring something within ourselves that we don't like, then just feeling that feeling stops us from further growing. Maybe this saying is wrong, I don't know. A wise person said this to me about 30 years ago and I have been thinking about it since then and I do see it play out in my own life.