I know how you feel.
The loneliness seems so cruel. Thoughts of being without him are so cold and frightening.

You are special and you are growing stronger. I understand the struggle not to focus on him. I know how the weak moments can easily turn into rage at him.

Last night we were civil but inside I was seething. He was polite so I could not fault him on literal level. If he were judged for crimes on an intimate level he would be on death row.

I am doing my best not to get angry and tell him I am leaving. I am trying my best not to want to hurt him with threats in the hope that he will suddenly open his heart and say he understands it is his problem he cannot take me out or on holiday, that it is his problem with intimacy. My problem is that the more I know him the more distant he becomes (protective defences). Do I want to be the hero and rescue this Rapunzel I have partnered with. No.. not really.. especially when he hypnotises me into a land of promise.. all of which end up broken and sharp.

Everytime you do something for yourself and not to prove anything to him.. you will uncover a seed.. a small voice that is so precious it deserves to be nurtured. This seed will grow and you WILL begin to reclaim your mind.

I am finding the more I do this.. the tougher it gets. I do see his manipulative ways and I do trust myself. His passive aggressive behaviour has been deployed to confuse me... like pepper spray in the eyes.

I see now and I know now and although he will deny it or protest ignorance I trust myself. He has never encouraged my confidence that if I am getting the wrong picture about us at least it is my picture.

Last night he went to bed to read a book. Although he said he would not work at home so we could save our marriage, he goes to a bed with a book about Steve Jobs (completely circling around his work hero). So he takes Steve to bed and I feel my heart turn to stone. It feels like it is way to big for my chest.. it is a cold and hard feeling and I want to break it to pieces so I can spew the rubble all over him. I do not. I go to bed and I lay in bed. We have our backs to each other and we are both at the very edges of the bed. I try to meditate but I feel like stone. After 40 minutes I decide I want to sleep in the library. It is my choice. I am cuddling with the dogs and it feels good. I like sleeping here. I am not trying to hurt him I have made a choice. I needed cuddles and I found this closeness from our dogs. I still feel strong.

Everything you do "do it for you" if he is at the core of it and you "want to show him!!" I would suggest checking in with yourself to ensure that "you make all choices for you, that they are to protect you and not to attack him".

I hope this helps.. I just so know what goes on in my head when I feel the way you do. I want to rip out his heart just to see if it is beating. I think if I can detect a beat then there might just be "some hope".

Give yourself a hug

thanks for the cooment iknowwhoi i feel your pain and appreciate the understanding. life is to short to be so unhappy. he is very passive/aggressive and this is a hard trait to deal with. cause they cut others to the quick with out looking guilty and if they realized they went to far, then apoligize and say they were just kidding.

My you could be me. He does that... He is so sarcastic and sharp and when it cuts me and floors me he subltley makes put I do not have a sense of humour.

I am building my armour, I used to be so open and loving with so much love and hope for the world. I have become cynical, wounded and so afraid to trust.

I sit in the corner and scowl, I am bitter and envious of any woman who has everything he has abstained from. Holidays, sex, children, dares, empathy.

Ironically everyone sees us out and they all think we are the most perfect and loving couple.

I am living his family..the past of his traumatised childhood. He is sucking me into that dilemma but I will now protect myself.

I will no lnger feel guilty if I am not completely transparent.
Tis site is the first journal I have had in 11 years. Deep down I never trusted him, but I felt cruel for such thoughts.

Now I know how controlling his father was, now now I was right not to trust him. That young 23 years old (me) was so wise and her instinct was spot on.

When he was charming me I used to feel odd that when I told him about my past it was as though he was typing it out in his mind.

He has observed me remember my past and relive it like a spectator. I have invited him into my sould and the most terrifying places.

I now feel he pushes my buttons.

My father was so silent, he ignored me and I spent weeks in a cupboard with no food. I was tortured. So knowing that I remembered this whilst with him and having an understanding of how difficult I find being ignored...why does he do it?.

I do not think he has any compassion. He has admitted he trusts no-one including me.

Build your armour, chose when to put it on and when to take it off.

Like me you are a warrior and you are strong...that is why they need us so much more than we truly need them.

Wow, good for you! You are finding your way back! I don't believe you are truly alone. You have friends and family you can lean on if you need something. And it sounds to me like life would be more serene if you were alone instead of having to run interference for him. I've been there, I know what it's like. And I really don't miss that at all. You will be okay. Spend time with your family (the ones you get along with!). It will help. You are such a strong person, having been down this road before. You should have no regrets because you did everything you could, and it just didn't work. Time to get on with building a new life for yourself. That's what I'm trying to do. Good luck to you.

thanks for the comments. holidays close and just asked me when he had to leave before my son and family comes. very uncomfortable situation but no uncommon with mixed families and dysfunctional members. i dont even feel guilty about it. they will not stay here if he is here and would cause me so much stress if he was. promised my daughter in law that he would not be here and not going to go back on that . it would make the holidays very difficult and stressful for me

Good for you for sticking to your guns! We need to give ourselves permission to feel happy this time of year. This is such a stressful time, trying to live up to the Currier & Ives family picture. I don't know any families that fit that picture. Enjoy your family, then decide how best to move on after. I'm in the same place as you now, and I'm determined to get on with my life next year. That's my New Year's resolution.