Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
when someone uses things that they do for you as a device to bring up later to induce guilt or show that they do so much for someone that they feel does not return its blackmail. my SO talks about all he does for others and how he does not get back what he puts in. things from 20 years or longer. he talks about me to family and all that he does. talks about all that he has done for friends that was not returned. so seems that when he does something for someone he does it expecting a return favor or whatever. he twists it that he is such a good guy and cant understand why we all just dont help each other and return goodness. makes me gag. used to think it was endearing now annoying. he talks about others and if i agree or say something he repeats it. so no trust in him. cant stand it and many others are just annoyed by it also. anyone else experience this. i try so hard not to comment on his negative comments but is hard at times not to as sometimes he has apoint.
He would tell me how much he helped me, then explain it was a reason I couldn't stop to talk to him. He'd say, "But I helped you get this and this done." Sure it was true, but it didn't change the fact that I was also hurting inside because he doesn't respect my basic rights.
He did really blackmail me, he called one late night, and basically ordered me to do what he wanted. I was shaking so badly, then he was calling back. It was a Friday night, and I had to wake early for work on Saturday. It was terrible. I was on edge, feared losing my job. I felt like I was going to collapse into a heap, and he was going to tell everyone my secrets, and embarrass me.
It makes me feel so weak when I am too passive to say, NO. I know the right reaction, but I make the wrong one, because I am afraid.
There is an assertiveness technique I learned, called clouding. If someone says something negative to manipulate you like, "You did a bad job on that project yesterday." You can say, "Yes, it may be so that I did a bad job." You acknowledge the comment, then basically brush it off. It doesn't mean you can't accept true statements, simply don't let yourself be manipulated by using that technique.
I have had a similar experience with a family member. I nicknamed her the 'martyr' for a time because of it. She would do lots of 'good' things, i.e. cook dinner, make coffee, do favours for people and would complain if they did not do things in return for her. Alternatively, these favours would be stored up for an argument and thrown back in my face. Other people are lucky as they have no idea of the grievances towards others she has. I've been the de facto verbal and emotional punch bag for several years. I'm currently in the process of detaching so her comments don't irk me as much as they used to (there's a range of other behaviours) but this emotional blackmail scenario is very annoying. The worst part is though, even if someone does something kind for her the majority of the time it will be minimised or ignored and she will focus on the negative.
What I've found to be helpful is to just not get involved in those kinds of exchanges. If someone starts going off about all of the things they've done, I'm very non-committal and may not even respond at all.
Alana