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Being Overly responsible

mirandac
mirandac

Overly Responsible



"Before finding recovery, we suppressed our feelings and were overly responsible. We tried to anticipate the needs of others and meet those needs so we would not be abandoned." BRB p. 94


Many of us have focused all our efforts on spouses, significant others, or children, trying to do everything possible to make them comfortable and happy. We may have spent so much time with our children and their friends that we were uncomfortably intrusive. Because we feared abandonment, we may have sacrificed ourselves in an attempt to keep our spouses from becoming bored with us.


These actions kept us from admitting, "I'm tired. I'm not interested. I don't have time." Eventually, we began to resent them. We deserved to do things we wanted to do, and our family members needed space to breathe, to make their own decisions, to make mistakes and learn from them.


With ACA recovery, we finally get the message that it's okay to let loved ones do their own thing. It's okay to let them find happiness through their own actions. Not being constantly involved in their lives does not mean they will abandon us. In fact, it can strengthen our relationships when we all feel the relief of being responsible for ourselves.


On this day I will remember that I do not need to micromanage the lives of those close to me. They will not abandon me simply because I let them live their own lives.



** this is from my ACA ( adult child) daily that i receive 


salina
salina
This is a major reason why I have burnout and anxiety . Micromanaging and taking responsibility for others and overdoing to the point of burnout .

Even through years of recovery I can fall into old subconscious patterns especially at work not even in my close relationships, do more than I need to until the point of burnout when I realise I’m human and I can’t do any more .
mirandac
mirandac
Work life is tough so much is
Expected of us if we are team
Players, hugs
urbangardener
urbangardener
Thank you for posting this. I needed to remember the fallacy of being overly responsible and what I call "the illusion of control." While in some families, there is relief at now being responsible for oneself, in many families there is anger and a negative reaction to the person who stops their dysfunctional behavior. Like a pushback because the one who changes disturbed the status quo. Even anger at the person who is changing. Some people like having others be responsible for everything and everyone so they don't have to be responsible themselves for themselves. So sometimes they do abandon us if they do not like how we change are are the user types. But we must change to heal ourselves and create a happier life. Our lives are not happy when we feel we must be responsible for everyone else being happy or not having problems or us solving their problems. Eventually all those balls we juggle wear us out. I just think we have to know that the repercussion of us changing is that the relationship dynamics or family dynamics changes and many people are not leaning towards happiness at the status quo being changed by someone else. We have to save ourselves first and foremost even if the others don't like our becoming healthier.
TrueSelf
TrueSelf
I've always been a bit of "serious type" and it led to lots of walls being built on their own around me. the more responsible and serious I became, the more devout to doing good, the more others seemed to keep a distance.

It must also be related to having the right attitude. I don't have to be the "judge, executioner" in life. I can respect others' freedoms and gently support and protect what'd good in life without pushing other away.

Being overly responsible can be detrimental to compassion and growth.