Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
So I thought I would share an experience which awakened me to my Co-Dependency being alive and kicking.
I think one of the things that we can easily forget as Co-Dependents, is what we perceive as "being nice and loving", is in fact actually, "manipulative" "pushing our agenda's" and "passive aggressive". Not sure why I needed all the quotations but there they are :)
So my uncle was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer last year around August. I don't know him for all intents and purposes, I know his name, I know he exists and I have met him only 2 times in my entire life (which is a lot of years to only meet him twice). He is my mother's brother. Around the time he was diagnosed, somehow/someway, his son who he bailed on came back around into his life and found him. They were reconnecting and as a goodwill gesture I flew his son up to meet him. I felt like I had the means to provide this...why not? For me, it isn't the time of knowing someone is my family.....if they are my family then that is it, that is all I need for my loyalty to be in tact towards them. (This is the first mistake....I mean he IS a stranger). Mind you, my mother and him have been in touch the entire time off and on since I have met him and she had even flew up to visit him a couple times...so they are 'closer' but still strangers in their own right.
Anyway, that all went well, we (my mom, my uncle, his son and I) were all Kumbaya writing emails, talking about future trips where the four of us would meet. Upon his diagnosis as well, a couple of my uncle's friends where helping him get to appointments, and just keeping tabs on him in general. The beginning of December he went in to have surgery, the hospital is about 3 hours away from where he lives.
He was all gung-ho and looking at the future and kept reiterating he had something to live for which was to meet his grandkids. Great! We all (friends and family) were here to support, provided offerings and he was poo pooing any assistance and said he would be in the hospital at most 2 weeks then would just drive himself home........Really? So I knew this was all false hope as I have been thru the Cancer road ALOT. So while I knew this I just didn't really speak up about it and just let everything take its course.
Fast forward to today. So he went home after two weeks; he is unable to truly walk, his house at this point I think is a health hazard (evidentially flies are buzzing around), his utilities are being shut off one by one, he is sequestering himself in the house. Over the course of the last 3 or 4 weeks his friends, my mom and his newly found son have been brainstorming how we can from our various locations assist him....sending nurses which he then turns away, sending cleaning companies which he turns away, sending groceries which he doesn't like, friends stop by and bring food and donuts to sit on because he is having issues, his house has reached a point where none of his friends want to get in there because it is so bad, but he doesn't want a stranger in there.....so I finally said to my mom "why don't we fly up there and just handle it this weekend". I kept nudging what were her instincts to leave him alone and not do anything because everyone kept saying he was getting pissy with them and getting mad (his friends and his son). He had snapped at my mom already once, and she was apprehensive to call again. But I said that I felt like maybe he wanted her there since she was the only one he really has known his entire life. Well she called and got basically read the riot act and hung up on.....so now she has been having a hard time and all upset.
Not saying it is all my fault or that I am taking full responsibility for his or her actions..but an awareness came over me that I need to discontinue pushing my agenda on people.....just because I am probably right, just because I know I am right......does NOT constitute that I have the right to push that on someone else...it is MY RIGHT, not necessarily theirs.....they have their own version of what is right for THEM.
Anyway, its been quiet a week.....i am tired, but thought I would share this new revelation....even though it is minor on the scale, I think it is valuable to share as we do need to take accountability for the 'bad' parts of being co-dependent and not get caught up in playing the victim role that all we are trying to do is be nice and loving.....no sometimes we are just not being kind and loving....we are trying to be RIGHT.
Ta Ta for now!!
Lots of love to my Co-Dependent group on this lovely Friday afternoon :) If you are on the East Coast...stay warm!!
I think one of the things that we can easily forget as Co-Dependents, is what we perceive as "being nice and loving", is in fact actually, "manipulative" "pushing our agenda's" and "passive aggressive". Not sure why I needed all the quotations but there they are :)
So my uncle was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer last year around August. I don't know him for all intents and purposes, I know his name, I know he exists and I have met him only 2 times in my entire life (which is a lot of years to only meet him twice). He is my mother's brother. Around the time he was diagnosed, somehow/someway, his son who he bailed on came back around into his life and found him. They were reconnecting and as a goodwill gesture I flew his son up to meet him. I felt like I had the means to provide this...why not? For me, it isn't the time of knowing someone is my family.....if they are my family then that is it, that is all I need for my loyalty to be in tact towards them. (This is the first mistake....I mean he IS a stranger). Mind you, my mother and him have been in touch the entire time off and on since I have met him and she had even flew up to visit him a couple times...so they are 'closer' but still strangers in their own right.
Anyway, that all went well, we (my mom, my uncle, his son and I) were all Kumbaya writing emails, talking about future trips where the four of us would meet. Upon his diagnosis as well, a couple of my uncle's friends where helping him get to appointments, and just keeping tabs on him in general. The beginning of December he went in to have surgery, the hospital is about 3 hours away from where he lives.
He was all gung-ho and looking at the future and kept reiterating he had something to live for which was to meet his grandkids. Great! We all (friends and family) were here to support, provided offerings and he was poo pooing any assistance and said he would be in the hospital at most 2 weeks then would just drive himself home........Really? So I knew this was all false hope as I have been thru the Cancer road ALOT. So while I knew this I just didn't really speak up about it and just let everything take its course.
Fast forward to today. So he went home after two weeks; he is unable to truly walk, his house at this point I think is a health hazard (evidentially flies are buzzing around), his utilities are being shut off one by one, he is sequestering himself in the house. Over the course of the last 3 or 4 weeks his friends, my mom and his newly found son have been brainstorming how we can from our various locations assist him....sending nurses which he then turns away, sending cleaning companies which he turns away, sending groceries which he doesn't like, friends stop by and bring food and donuts to sit on because he is having issues, his house has reached a point where none of his friends want to get in there because it is so bad, but he doesn't want a stranger in there.....so I finally said to my mom "why don't we fly up there and just handle it this weekend". I kept nudging what were her instincts to leave him alone and not do anything because everyone kept saying he was getting pissy with them and getting mad (his friends and his son). He had snapped at my mom already once, and she was apprehensive to call again. But I said that I felt like maybe he wanted her there since she was the only one he really has known his entire life. Well she called and got basically read the riot act and hung up on.....so now she has been having a hard time and all upset.
Not saying it is all my fault or that I am taking full responsibility for his or her actions..but an awareness came over me that I need to discontinue pushing my agenda on people.....just because I am probably right, just because I know I am right......does NOT constitute that I have the right to push that on someone else...it is MY RIGHT, not necessarily theirs.....they have their own version of what is right for THEM.
Anyway, its been quiet a week.....i am tired, but thought I would share this new revelation....even though it is minor on the scale, I think it is valuable to share as we do need to take accountability for the 'bad' parts of being co-dependent and not get caught up in playing the victim role that all we are trying to do is be nice and loving.....no sometimes we are just not being kind and loving....we are trying to be RIGHT.
Ta Ta for now!!
Lots of love to my Co-Dependent group on this lovely Friday afternoon :) If you are on the East Coast...stay warm!!
I don't think twice about making suggestions to people about whatever...I want to fix everyone's situation or bad feelings, bad moods....that was our role, my sisters and I, growing up--to feel out my father's mood and act accordingly--try to put hi in a better mood, go along with his light mood, etc.
Your example reminds me that I think I am trying to help, but I"m sure some of it is to make me feel better or important.
I think awareness gives us more freedom--"from the bondage of self" :)
Yep- I can spend quite a lot of time bemoaning why things aren't the way they should be, according the Royal We- Myself and I...
I find when I do that, it's a giant distraction I'm putting in my life to procrastinate about something in MY life...
My recent tirade is about my DH's friend and his... oh, why bother tell it... See what I mean?
Glad to see you learned something about yourself! : )