Hi JB.

So welcome to the world of being a single man.

As such there will always be some attractive female in every place or group that you go, and I think that is because we always look over and pick out the "best one" and fall in love (or lust) at first glance.

Being single is a huge difficult way to live, just as marriage is huge difficult too but in a different way.

What I find is that the Women are usually very strict about no-dating others in the group, so go very slow and easy with her just to limit any embarrassment that will happen to either you or to her or to you both.

Being in the divorce process means that you are not really divorced yet and most other single people are sensitive to that reality. Probably because all us other singles have already been through our own divorce - ha ha.

It also means that you surely are on the rebound, and that "rebound" always mean pain and hurt for whoever the next person that you get involved with.

Link rebound = http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/romanceafterdivorce/p/reboundrelation.htm

After a divorce a person is emotionally raw and out of control and there is no getting around that.

Emotional baggage from the broken marriage.

Honestly some of the emotional baggage we keep for life, as I am still affected by my first marriage to my high school sweetheart which lasted 5 years (of 34 years ago) because we can not get rid of our baggage and we just have to learn ways of carrying it without too much difficulty.

Wishing you luck.

Hmmm I don't think we need to act on every attraction that we feel, especially when we feel raw, needy and vulnerable. I would suggest going to the meeting and focusing on yourself for a while, focus on healing yourself. If things are really 'meant to be' then they will still be 'meant to be' in a few months time after you have sorted yourself out a little or at least until you have finalised things with your previous relationship. I think it is important to give yourself some time to heal.

Sometimes we want to jump into relationships because we think 'maybe this relationship will heal me' and sometimes we use relationships to avoid working on and healing ourselves. The truth is that no relationship can heal us, that is something that we have to do ourselves and if we get into relationships before healing ourselves then that just leads to more drama and chaos and gives us more things to heal from. I have no idea if this might be the case for you, only you know that, but these are some things that I would think about and unfortunately, sometimes we only find out if this is the case for us in hindsight :) Haha darn hindsight :)

Keep going to meetings, get all the support that you can since you are so raw and vulnerable, reach out to healthy sources for support. If you are lonely, maybe you could go to more meetings for a little while or get some hobbies? Do some things that you want to do for you, things that fill the hole in you that you might otherwise try to fill with a relationship? Again, I have no idea if this holds true for you but I know the tricks that my codependency has played on me in the past and these are some things that I have learnt. Maybe none of this applies for you at all and that is your call and that is cool. Good luck with it all and I hope you get as much out of meetings as I do :)

Hi JBuck.

The other responders gave you some useful things to think about, I think, so I am going to take a slightly-different tack on the current status.

Your feelings towards others, romantic or otherwise, are your issue to manage. When you "tell" someone, you put the burden of sorting out feelings on them. This is generally-unfair and doesn't lead to the results you want anyway. Romantic relationships rarely begin with a negotiation.

In terms of your feelings for this girl, I feel like you should consider three options:

1) you let them go by the wayside, continue in your group, and keep your mind on the reasons you're there
2) change your group and free yourself from the distraction
3) ask her out and *then* change your meeting, because she will either say yes and then the meeting will no longer be a safe and confidential place or she will say no and then possibly feel uncomfortable sharing certain things in front of you or vice-versa.

This decision is independent of all the valuable considerations about if you're ready, if she is ready, etc., which are more important. I would strongly consider avoiding the "I like you. Do you like me? What should we do about it?" discussion though because that tends simply to be offloading your feelings to someone else.

Good luck.

I agree with changing your meetings....every time you get attached for the first year.

You don't realize how "sick" you are until you have undergone therapy or groups for at least a year. No relationship would last or be good for either at you, until you get to know yourself more.

All programs say to wait a year...before engaging yourself into another relationship other than YOURSELF.

Meetings are not the place to troll for dates. Find a different meeting for your own sense of self control and self esteem.

There are many millions of wonderful women in this world. You are worthy of having one without violating the boundary that you know is wrong for this situation.

Live like you deserve nothing less than the best for yourself. You are WORTH IT!

All great input, thank you! I have decided I will continue going to meetings and for the time being I will not tell her of this "crush." I thought about telling her Friday, but I did not do it and I feel safer because of it.

I will focus on myself and healing.

Hi, I see this is from a couple of days ago, but I feel compelled to respond and give a female's perspective. I mostly agree with reply #2. If someone approached me and told me their feelings of attraction, especially if we only knew each other in the context of a place where we share our deep-down feelings, I would probably be scared away.

However, I know a bit about your story, and I think you've been on your own for over a year. Maybe your feelings are telling you that you are ready to date. Every time I mention dating on a DS post or a journal entry, everyone discourages it and tells me to go work on myself. Well, you already are going to meetings and working on yourself. Are you getting out socially, besides going to meetings? Do you and this person share other common interests, besides the meetings?

Sorry, I made a type - I meant to type I mostly agree with reply #3 (although others make valid points as well).

11Christmases,

Thanks, that is what I concluded inside...that I am starting to be ready to date. But in someway I realize even more how dating or another person isn't going to help, heal, or fullfil me. So even better to focus on me.

Trust me, Mate, they're just not interested.

I became obsessed about this Woman at an OA meeting I go to and in the end I became obsessed with her and I believe I gave her the creeps. I must make amends to her, when the time is right, I did write her a letter. However I believe I f**ked it up in terms of being platonic with her.

I have a Sex Addiction too. It's probably the worst addiction to have as the need, as a Man, to validate oneself sexually is a fundamental of being a Guy.

The reality is this is a boundary issue. If she keeps turning you on, then perhaps talk to your Sponsor.

The other thing to keep in mind is that feelings are neither right or wrong. They simply are. It is how we react and act on them that matters. You already know this from getting sober. Addicts feel like drinking, taking drugs, acting codependent with someone. It is when and how we behave according to those feelings that makes the difference.

Good for you sticking to what you know is right for your sobriety. That is to be celebrated.

Just an update. I haven't done anything about the attraction. She did talk to me a little... but I'm not spinning up cycles in my headspace about it really. I think I've cleared the thicket and can look around and take it easy for a bit.

BrightSide, thanks for the reminder. Attraction is neither good nor bad, it's what I do and how I do it that matters.

I did say to go to different meetings and to wait at least a year...because it is suggested AND I did not listen or heed that warning. I'm speaking from experience.

A guy was attracted to me in AA and I ended up dating him for 6 years (he was 20 years sober)...I was not even 1....he waited till I was 1 year and then he asked me out.

While dating him because of his 20 years of sobriety...I learned a lot and feel like he kept me sober because I didn't want to disappoint him. I lived with him for 3 years...and it ended.

During dating...we continued to go to the same meeting...and set up the meeting and make the coffee together. I did figure out that I wasn't being as honest with my feelings in the meetings because he was there.

And I did realize after 6 years....I got into the wrong relationship because I was too raw when I met him...and hadn't figured myself out enough. And I figured out quickly that I had made a big mistake...based on the feelings of being wanted in early sobriety when I felt so down and disgusting.

I have watched many relationships develop and end in AA. And the worst I have seen many of the couples start using together because they are so new and didn't take time to build a foundation in sobriety.

People afflicted with addiction have many un resolved emotions...and fall into not having to work on themselves if they have someone fulfilling the primal need of the man/woman relationship. I felt on top of the world...but I was not focused in AA...I was always daydreaming about my next date with the guy...

Like I said..it ended..and in the 8 years I was there...I saw many couples end....and many people relapse because of ended relationships or because our main focus was not really on the program of recovery...but the attention we were getting from the opposite sex.

Misssy,

Thank you so much. I must also ask, did you see any couple handle it any better?

I want recovery.

to be honest JBuck...yes, my sponser....when I went to a meeting and met her....there were all guys in the meeting and she was the only female....but she wasn't there yet.

A nice man approached me because I got up to leave and I said I'm sorry I didn't know this was a guys meeting. He said NO...its not, we just have a lot of men in this meeting and my girlfriend will be along shortly.

So I stayed...she became my sponser she had 3 years at the time she started dating him...he had over 15. They are married now.

Another couple came in together ...never had been to AA but both had problems her with alcohol...him with drugs.....they became a big help in the meeting making coffee....greeting....got along very well...on and off thru their growth...they broke up and got back together.

I saw them at the liquor store during my relapse this year...still together....

Overall...my sponser tells me how lucky she is that her and her now husband ended up married and that most couples in AA because of all the emotions and changes we make as people...don't make it as a couple...it seems in my 8 years of experience it is very rare for couples to make it...but it does happen.

Its up to you....I don't think you will be able to continue to go to this meeting with this crush on this girl....with the conversations going further and further...without dating her. Its your choice..and it could work out. I don't want to jinx you ...but it is a slippery slope.

Make sure you look at your intent for the relationship...are you just vulnerable? How was your last relationship? What did you learn? Its always fun in the beginning...the flirting and attention..but after the honeymoon stage and some stress comes in will you be able to maintain sobriety thru rejection or fear? Are you strong enough to not let every bump in a relationship NOT lead you to a drink?

I remember after 1 year dating the guy in AA and our first disagreement...I was outside hyperventilating because I wanted a drink to escape so bad...I wasn't ready for a relationship and I didn't break up with him because I was scared that I would drink if I did....I figured it would be too much for me....so I wasted a lot of my life with this person....and I regretted dating in AA.