Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hi, I am new to this but I need all the support/help I can get. Me and my ex got back together after 8 months of no contact about 6 months ago. It has been very rough, we had our fights in the beginning (due to need of rebuilding trust mainly) but we were still positive. Unfortunately lately the arguments have been getting worse and worse and it seems the hope is just gone. I came to this group because our couples counselor has told me that she believes I am codependent.
We constantly (like 85 percent of our fights) argue about the same 2 subjects: him not inviting me around with him and his friends (when there are other girls present, I don't want to be around with just guys) and his friendship with a girl who was my friend initially but switched sides the last time we broke up (she also has not tried to mend anything and, in my opinion, continues to disrespect our relationship, although he says he doesn't believe that she does).
Regarding the friends situation: I have already explained to him that I don't think that he will cheat on me and that's not what any of this is about. To me its about respect and being in his life and circle (just as all his friends' girlfriends are). We have fought about this time and time again and he still doesn't invite me around (in the past 6 months he has invited me with them about 4 times) and every time it turns into this huge fight and then he ends up doing it anyway, then tells me after it wont happen again, and the does it again the next time. Just the other day I asked him why doesn't he follow thru with the stuff he says he will do and he said "I only do it to make you happy" but he said it in a really angry voice, like that's not good enough reason to do something.
This situation pretty much applies to the girl he is friends with as well. I have explained to him time and time again that I don't trust her and I don't want her in our lives. Even our couples counselor tells him that his relationship with this girl is "too intense" and that "she doesn't seem to respect the relationship". But he defends her ALL THE TIME! He doesn't think she did anything wrong and therefore makes it seem like I am being irrational and she is the victim in all this. We finally came to the "agreement" (and I say it like that because it did not come without weeks of fighting about it) that he would lessen his relationship with her; not hang out with her, keep convos short, etc. But the second she calls him for a favor there he is telling me he is going to do it because its "not a big deal" and therefore it "doesn't matter if your going to be upset about it".
Anyway these past two weeks have been just horrible. Then this last Friday he was being really mean and says he is going out with his friends (guys and girls, AND including Frankie) and that he does not want me to go. He said he was tired of fighting and didn't want me to come because he didn't want to fight that night. I told him we didn't have to fight, we have put stuff aside many times before and we have NEVER fought in front of his friends. We even saw our counselor that day and she tried to ask if he can compromise (agree to come home early or that I can meet up with him for an hour) and he just said NO. And I just lost it to be honest, I was very hurt. So he went anyway, and I pretty much didn't hear from him all weekend. Monday and today we barely spoke except for a good morning text.
I feel really lost and helpless.. It's like he shows absolutely no remorse for anything he does.
We constantly (like 85 percent of our fights) argue about the same 2 subjects: him not inviting me around with him and his friends (when there are other girls present, I don't want to be around with just guys) and his friendship with a girl who was my friend initially but switched sides the last time we broke up (she also has not tried to mend anything and, in my opinion, continues to disrespect our relationship, although he says he doesn't believe that she does).
Regarding the friends situation: I have already explained to him that I don't think that he will cheat on me and that's not what any of this is about. To me its about respect and being in his life and circle (just as all his friends' girlfriends are). We have fought about this time and time again and he still doesn't invite me around (in the past 6 months he has invited me with them about 4 times) and every time it turns into this huge fight and then he ends up doing it anyway, then tells me after it wont happen again, and the does it again the next time. Just the other day I asked him why doesn't he follow thru with the stuff he says he will do and he said "I only do it to make you happy" but he said it in a really angry voice, like that's not good enough reason to do something.
This situation pretty much applies to the girl he is friends with as well. I have explained to him time and time again that I don't trust her and I don't want her in our lives. Even our couples counselor tells him that his relationship with this girl is "too intense" and that "she doesn't seem to respect the relationship". But he defends her ALL THE TIME! He doesn't think she did anything wrong and therefore makes it seem like I am being irrational and she is the victim in all this. We finally came to the "agreement" (and I say it like that because it did not come without weeks of fighting about it) that he would lessen his relationship with her; not hang out with her, keep convos short, etc. But the second she calls him for a favor there he is telling me he is going to do it because its "not a big deal" and therefore it "doesn't matter if your going to be upset about it".
Anyway these past two weeks have been just horrible. Then this last Friday he was being really mean and says he is going out with his friends (guys and girls, AND including Frankie) and that he does not want me to go. He said he was tired of fighting and didn't want me to come because he didn't want to fight that night. I told him we didn't have to fight, we have put stuff aside many times before and we have NEVER fought in front of his friends. We even saw our counselor that day and she tried to ask if he can compromise (agree to come home early or that I can meet up with him for an hour) and he just said NO. And I just lost it to be honest, I was very hurt. So he went anyway, and I pretty much didn't hear from him all weekend. Monday and today we barely spoke except for a good morning text.
I feel really lost and helpless.. It's like he shows absolutely no remorse for anything he does.
This is a control, jealousy, and lack of trust issue. Just based on this comment alone. I won't tear apart the rest of it. This is sufficient. You said later on that the only thing this is about is respect and being in his life and circle. Yet, the only time you mean that is if there is a female involved. If it was just his male friends, you don't want to be in his circle. Therefore, you are lying to yourself.
So, with that being said, you need to reevaluate yourself and your wants/needs/etc. You can't get happiness from another person. You can only get it from yourself. If you feel that he is being disrespectful to your relationship then it is time to reevaluate the relationship and determine if you believe it to be healthy and worth the energy or not. If not, then an action plan should be put into place. Let him have his friends and go out on his own. You cannot depend on him to entertain your insecurities.
You cannot expect him to change his friends, his routine, and his entire life just because you don't like or agree with it. All of this is your problem. It isn't his. You say that he takes responsibility for nothing that he does...well, neither are you. You are blaming him and only him. You can't put expectations on people or control their actions. You can only control your own. You are only in charge of yourself.
Now, please don't think I am tearing you apart. I have the same problems. I just don't fight about them or demand that things change with my husband. Why? Because those issues are my own issues. They are not his. So, how do I do this? I work a 12 step program (it works wonderfully for me), I do affirmations on a daily basis, I have "Came to Believe" lists that I refer to quite often, I meditate, I use mala beads, I write.
I also recently bought a book "Codependent No More" and it seems to be amazing so far. I love it.
But the biggest thing I do is remind myself that I am not in control of him, my insecurities and problems are just that...my own. They are not his. He isn't cheating. He isn't doing anything wrong. So, I embrace him and his love and I deal with my problems and issues.
I'll still talk to him about it, but throughout our relationship I have learned that talking gets much better results than fighting. He reassures my fears and my insecurities. He lets me know he loves me. And we move on. I don't expect him to drop his friends and I don't expect him to stop his life. Nothing changes. But he's there for me when I need him to be, and he loves me to death. The rest of it, is my responsibility. Just like your problems are your responsibility, not his.
Find something to do that takes care of you when he goes out. Find something to do that keeps you busy. When you push someone that way, they push back. You think he's being mean and irrational and he thinks you're being mean and irrational. You think he isn't taking responsibility and he thinks you aren't. From an outsiders point of view, he isn't doing anything wrong. The only reason you don't like his female friends is because you feel threatened by them. They've done nothing wrong. He's done nothing wrong. Your ego and your insecurities are getting in the way. TAKE CARE OF YOU.
*hugs*
Thank you. I am sorry that you are going through a similar situation as well. I feel your pain and helplessness. I hope we can both work on this.
First off I would really like to thank you for all the efforts you have put into this. I honestly appreciate it.
I agree with almost everything you have said and I know I have a lot of work to do on myself, that is why I am here.
I didn't tell much backstory to this post (because it was so long already as is), but I just wanted clarify a few things because I can see what you are saying but the situation is a little different.
I do agree I can be a little jealous at times and I do have lack of trust for him in certain situations but because of other things he has done to me. I am not saying that I don't take any responsibility for what I do (which I tell him) but we he thinks he carries no responsibility is when I just can't understand. He said he understood why I lost this trust and would work on it with me (when we first started talking again) but like I mentioned, he says he will do things and then doesn't deliver.
The only reason why I do not ask to be around when there are only guys is because I understand that when there is only guys there it would be uncomfortable to invite your girlfriend. In all honesty, I would love to be invited either way but I think that would be asking for too much. Also, all I want is to be invited, I have never once told him that if i can't make it for any reason that he shouldn't go either, all I ask for respect for me and I just want to be invited when its a Coed event.
Another thing that I probably should have mentioned is that most of his friends that are girls are actually in relationships with the guys he hangs out with. Almost all of his friends have been in long "committed" relationships. So no, I am not threatened by them to be completely honest. The only girl that I have an issue with is one particular girl and yes she has personally betrayed me and my trust (she was friends with me BEFORE she was friends with him). So she has done something wrong to me.
I hope that opened things up a little bit so there is a little bit more understanding.
I do agree that I need to reevaluate this relationship, now more than ever. I would never expect him to change his entire life I just want respect and understanding on his part, just how you are saying your husband does for you.
I don't argue with him or come at him angry when I feel this way. I try to talk to him calmly and tell him my feelings, but it turns into an argument because he has a very short fuse and begins to get defensive, angry, and frustrated at the drop of a hat no matter what the situation or approach (which he says he knows he needs to work on, but to this day I haven't seen any progress).
Anyway, I know that I have work I need to do on myself (I am not denying that). And I have a life of my own now, I don't just wait at home for him like I did the last time we were together. I do things to keep my mind off of it but it is difficult because it is not what he is doing in that moment but the way he treated me in doing so. I actually just started reading Codependent no more myself a few weeks ago and it has been helping.
Thank you *hugs*
One thing a counselor had me do was to write "come to believe" lists. It was hard because you're looking at yourself and a lot of truths, but it is SOOOO worth it once you're finished. The way I did it was took just a standard notebook (or journal) and used the full spread for one list (even if the page isn't full). There were numerous lists (mother, daughter, friend, employee, wife/girlfriend, husband/boyfriend, etc) pretty much on any aspect of life you can think of... On one side you write down how you are NOW (or how your husband is if you choose to do a list for that as well) and then on the other side you write down how you want to be (or what you want it to look like). Then, every day you read the side with how you want it to be and eventually your thought process changes with it.
That helped me sooooo much. It was really really hard at first because you don't always want to admit your faults or defects, but it releases so much at the exact same time. If this sounds like something you are interested in or would like to try, you can always send me a PM or add me as a friend as well.
You DESERVE to be HAPPY. Whatever happy looks like for you, you DESERVE it. It can be hard and it can be painful. But what is even more painful and lasts much longer is feeling like you don't matter, because you do.
I am constantly trying new things these days. I am willing to give this list a shot.. Thank you!
I'm sorry that you are feeling lost and helpless. Clearly you feel strongly for your boyfriend or you wouldn't be fighting this hard for the relationship...
I'm glad you don't suspect him of cheating and that infidelity is not part of the issue. But, I am wondering about something you mentioned regarding keeping his word and if it is a big or small thing.
When he told you he would lessen his relationship with her or not hang out with her at all, did he really go back on his word or did you misunderstand him? If he went back on his word this might be a pattern of his that might continue to make you feel disappointed in the relationship.
Hearing him defend her (lack of respect for the relationship) on any capacity would feel like disloyalty to me. Ideally, he would want to esteem your feelings over hers. Have you shared with him how it made you feel?
Best wishes
2bwole