Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Sometimes I get confused here when I read things about manipulative behaviour, and think, Hey thats not me if anything Im the person who always seems to get manipulated.
I dont think Im the only person, because there are lots of people here who read things about co-dependency, and think many of those things fit me, but not all of them.
Thats why I thought there are two kinds of co-dependent people and I thought labels might help, because they classify alcoholics sort of the same way.
Co-dependent Alpha
Co-dependent Alpha is the abuser kind of co-dependent. They are the kind of person who likes to organise people. They dont have any problems finding solutions for other people, and help other people fix their lives, and they do other people the service making decisions for them for their own good. Alpha co-dependents like doing work by themselves, according to motto, If I dont do it, then it just wont get done right.
As parents Alphas are worried about something happening to their children all the time. They worry their children will get hurt, take drugs, be bullied, do poorly in school, get pregnant or contract a STD, or get turned onto a cult religion. For this reason, they tend to micro-manage their childrens lives, and give them little privacy. They get so hooked on this, they cant stop even when their children are over 30 years old.
As spouses they do everything they can to make their spouse feel loved and comfortable, but often feel unhappy, when their spouse does not seem to love them, appreciate them, or pay attention to them as much as they expect. Often they will abuse their spouses with a guilt-trip standard phrase, After all I do for you, this is how you show me (repay me) for it all? In fact, implied guilt is their favourite tool to use when they want to manipulate someone to make them behave in a certain manner.
Alpha co-dependents like to help their friends because in doing so, they are re-assured that their friends cant get anything done right without their exclusive help. They like telling their friends what kind of furniture to buy, what kind of clothes to wear and what kind television shows they should watch. They will even generously lend their friends money, because it means there is always a string attached to it. They will continued to be allowed to control their friends and boss them around, because otherwise the friend would be ungrateful for borrowing money. Often the co-dependent doesnt even want the money paid back, because that might mean a lessening in the co-dependent relationship.
Alpha co-dependents feel like they function best in relationships where other people need them, and where they having the feeling, without me the other person is nothing and then I am nothing. Professionally, you will often find Alpha co-dependents as pastors, priests, or religious leaders, social or youth authority workers, police officers, teachers, and leaders in charity organisations, because these people are addicted to having people who need them.
Co-dependent Beta
Co-dependent Beta is the victim kind of co-dependent. They are the kind of person who like being around people who make them feel loved and needed. They tend to overlook it if the other person has serious social or psychological problems, so long as they dont feel like they have to face the world all alone and the other person will accept them. In return the Beta co-dependent is willing to compromise and do nearly anything to make the relationship work. They usually hate making their own decisions, and are happy when they can find a stronger personality to do this for them. They are quite happy doing little things at home to keep their personal relationship alive, and dont like to rock the boat.
Beta co-dependents like to fit in, and constantly worry if what everybody else thinks, if they are doing the right thing, and if everybody at work like them. The would rather work in a group than alone, so they can make sure that they are doing what everybody else is doing, and keep tabs to see if they havent made somebody mad at them or somebody hates them their greatest anxiety. Some betas would rather work alone, because they feel like they are secretly incompetent, and the whole world might find out, if they work in a group where they are monitored.
At work or home, beta co-dependents dont know how to say no, because they fear this word. No means making someone disappointed, and if they do that, then the other person will hate them forever. For this reason, beta co-dependents let everyone gang up on them, and they get all of the shit jobs, and are often the victims of mobbing. Beta co-dependents cant seem to assert themselves, even when it seems essential, because they fear it will make someone angry.
Typically beta co-dependents take on jobs where they can earn occasional praise, but the jobs are low-paying and lead nowhere, because they lack the self-confidence and self-esteem to believe they could do better. Beta co-dependents like being stay-at-home spouses, school assistants, co-workers at government agencies and insurance companies, and work in grocery stores and fast food restaurants.
Beta co-dependents will make excuses for their spouses and talk themselves into staying in dysfunctional relationships according to the motto, A lousy relationship is better than no relationship at all. For this reason it is not uncommon to find betas together with alcoholics, Alpha co-dependents, drug abusers, physically violent spouses, still married to spouses serving jail sentences for serious crimes, Mafia members, cult religious leaders, and even Neo-Nazis.
Betas like to be loners because they dread their friends. They let their friends borrow their property and never bring it back, or wont hold them responsible if they damage or destroy it. They lend money to their friends, and never get it back, and quietly get upset about it. They do things with their friends they dont like, buy things they felt like they were talked into buying, see movies with friends, the betas think are boring. Thats because Betas dont know what they want; cant say no; and are afraid of disappointing people.
Personally I think the betas are the more confused of the two, because they feel more virtuous being a victim, and felt like they are not abusers, but instead abusees. They dont realise that self-abuse is also a form of abuse, and being a victim co-dependent is just as dysfunctional as being an abuser or alpha co-dependent.
I dont think Im the only person, because there are lots of people here who read things about co-dependency, and think many of those things fit me, but not all of them.
Thats why I thought there are two kinds of co-dependent people and I thought labels might help, because they classify alcoholics sort of the same way.
Co-dependent Alpha
Co-dependent Alpha is the abuser kind of co-dependent. They are the kind of person who likes to organise people. They dont have any problems finding solutions for other people, and help other people fix their lives, and they do other people the service making decisions for them for their own good. Alpha co-dependents like doing work by themselves, according to motto, If I dont do it, then it just wont get done right.
As parents Alphas are worried about something happening to their children all the time. They worry their children will get hurt, take drugs, be bullied, do poorly in school, get pregnant or contract a STD, or get turned onto a cult religion. For this reason, they tend to micro-manage their childrens lives, and give them little privacy. They get so hooked on this, they cant stop even when their children are over 30 years old.
As spouses they do everything they can to make their spouse feel loved and comfortable, but often feel unhappy, when their spouse does not seem to love them, appreciate them, or pay attention to them as much as they expect. Often they will abuse their spouses with a guilt-trip standard phrase, After all I do for you, this is how you show me (repay me) for it all? In fact, implied guilt is their favourite tool to use when they want to manipulate someone to make them behave in a certain manner.
Alpha co-dependents like to help their friends because in doing so, they are re-assured that their friends cant get anything done right without their exclusive help. They like telling their friends what kind of furniture to buy, what kind of clothes to wear and what kind television shows they should watch. They will even generously lend their friends money, because it means there is always a string attached to it. They will continued to be allowed to control their friends and boss them around, because otherwise the friend would be ungrateful for borrowing money. Often the co-dependent doesnt even want the money paid back, because that might mean a lessening in the co-dependent relationship.
Alpha co-dependents feel like they function best in relationships where other people need them, and where they having the feeling, without me the other person is nothing and then I am nothing. Professionally, you will often find Alpha co-dependents as pastors, priests, or religious leaders, social or youth authority workers, police officers, teachers, and leaders in charity organisations, because these people are addicted to having people who need them.
Co-dependent Beta
Co-dependent Beta is the victim kind of co-dependent. They are the kind of person who like being around people who make them feel loved and needed. They tend to overlook it if the other person has serious social or psychological problems, so long as they dont feel like they have to face the world all alone and the other person will accept them. In return the Beta co-dependent is willing to compromise and do nearly anything to make the relationship work. They usually hate making their own decisions, and are happy when they can find a stronger personality to do this for them. They are quite happy doing little things at home to keep their personal relationship alive, and dont like to rock the boat.
Beta co-dependents like to fit in, and constantly worry if what everybody else thinks, if they are doing the right thing, and if everybody at work like them. The would rather work in a group than alone, so they can make sure that they are doing what everybody else is doing, and keep tabs to see if they havent made somebody mad at them or somebody hates them their greatest anxiety. Some betas would rather work alone, because they feel like they are secretly incompetent, and the whole world might find out, if they work in a group where they are monitored.
At work or home, beta co-dependents dont know how to say no, because they fear this word. No means making someone disappointed, and if they do that, then the other person will hate them forever. For this reason, beta co-dependents let everyone gang up on them, and they get all of the shit jobs, and are often the victims of mobbing. Beta co-dependents cant seem to assert themselves, even when it seems essential, because they fear it will make someone angry.
Typically beta co-dependents take on jobs where they can earn occasional praise, but the jobs are low-paying and lead nowhere, because they lack the self-confidence and self-esteem to believe they could do better. Beta co-dependents like being stay-at-home spouses, school assistants, co-workers at government agencies and insurance companies, and work in grocery stores and fast food restaurants.
Beta co-dependents will make excuses for their spouses and talk themselves into staying in dysfunctional relationships according to the motto, A lousy relationship is better than no relationship at all. For this reason it is not uncommon to find betas together with alcoholics, Alpha co-dependents, drug abusers, physically violent spouses, still married to spouses serving jail sentences for serious crimes, Mafia members, cult religious leaders, and even Neo-Nazis.
Betas like to be loners because they dread their friends. They let their friends borrow their property and never bring it back, or wont hold them responsible if they damage or destroy it. They lend money to their friends, and never get it back, and quietly get upset about it. They do things with their friends they dont like, buy things they felt like they were talked into buying, see movies with friends, the betas think are boring. Thats because Betas dont know what they want; cant say no; and are afraid of disappointing people.
Personally I think the betas are the more confused of the two, because they feel more virtuous being a victim, and felt like they are not abusers, but instead abusees. They dont realise that self-abuse is also a form of abuse, and being a victim co-dependent is just as dysfunctional as being an abuser or alpha co-dependent.
By the way, these terms "Alpha" and "Beta" are made up.
I borrowed them from the alcoholics - they categorise their addicts in Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta and Ypsilon drinkers.
I thought I might outline some of them here, because I tend more to be a "Beta" myself and for the longest time, I didn't get the co-dependency thing because I didn't think I was abusing anybody - I forgot to count myself.
As for relationships Beta is not me - I would never live with an abuser. I had the experience before and I did whatever I could to protect myself. Codependency might be in the way of my achievements but survival is one thing that learned how to fight for.
As a profession it is interesting as I see a great change on me. Maybe I am graduating as a "Beta". I would prefer a lonely profession in the past - I am still currently a massage therapist (loner) but I am now going to school be a nurse (team work).
Melody Beatties "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" is the "Big Book" for recovering co dependents. If you don't do anything, read this book.
I found this:
"codependency issues affect lives in a variety of ways from feeling overly responsible for an alcoholic parent, to feeling controlled by a spouse or child, to the morass of feelings and lack of energy caused by overcaring for the people around us and not caring enough and in the right ways for ourselves."
And this, relating to co dependency is an addiction:
Many people do not realize that co-dependency is an addictive process -- a disease just like any other addiction. Co-dependency can be described as a dysfunctional pattern of living in which one overreacts to things going on outside of oneself and under reacts to what is going on inside. It involves compulsive behaviors and dependence upon approval from others in order to achieve a sense of safety, identity and self-esteem. Co-dependents put all their efforts into those around them, neglecting to fully take care of themselves, especially emotionally. Co-dependency is a disease that, if left untreated, can lead to other addictions such as eating disorders, substance dependence, workaholism and compulsive spending.
Charactersistics of Co-Dependency
Some of the characteristics of co-dependent people include:
Positive feelings about themselves stem from being liked and accepted by others.
Mental attention is focused on solving the problems of others or relieving their pain, and when these goals are accomplished, their self-esteem rises.
Co-dependents tend to personalize all that happens around them, seeing everything as being directly related to them.
Unless they are externally validated, they have difficulty trusting their own perceptions.
Significant others' clothing, personal appearance and behavior are dictated by the co-dependent, as he or she feels that the significant other is a reflection of him or her.
Co-dependents have unrealistic expectations of themselves, are unable to accept their own limitations, and use control and manipulation to avoid facing reality.
They view themselves as failures when they cannot control everything or meet everyone's expectations.
They fear rejection and abandonment, so they feel they must be involved and needed in every aspect of the lives of others. Not to be involved and needed equals abandonment.
Co-dependents are not aware of how they feel; they are aware of how others feel. Co-dependents are not aware of what they want; they ask what others want. If they are not aware, they assume.
Social circles diminish as they become more involved in their disease.
This list is not all-inclusive; there are other behaviors that are co-dependent in nature. Co-dependents are very focused on others, yet at the same time they feel what goes on around them is related to them in some way.
Self-test Co-dependency
Please answer the following questions as if you were speaking to your addicted friend or family member. If you answer yes to a majority of the questions, you should consider co-dependency treatment.
My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain.
My mental attention is focused on you.
My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way.
Solving your problems bolsters my self-esteem.
Relieving your pain bolsters my self-esteem.
My own hobbies/interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests.
Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel that you are a reflection of me.
Your behavior is dictated by my desires and I feel that you are a reflection of me.
I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want.
Bottom Line, in my experience, I put other peoples needs before your own, and then resent the other person because you're not appreciated. If others share a story with me, I want to jump in and solve their problem and they never asked for help but you automatically start "fixing" their problem. It's not kindness, it's a distraction from our own issues of pain. and reality. We use people for the same reason a drunk uses alcohol. To avoid feelings of pain.
You guys seem pretty young and maybe just beginning to soul search and look for answers. Please don't allow me, or W. or anyone to be your facts. We are all on the same path, at differnet stages. Find someone who goes to meetings regularly and has some time in, like 1 year or more. It would be sad for you to leave here thinking something is fact when it is just someone like you, searching for an answer.