I started my recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous. My very first meeting, a member (now one of my closest friends) described GOD as Good Orderly Direction. In the beginning, God to him was a carrot. A piece of nature he put his faith in. After several months in recovery, his higher power became his group of support. I am lucky to be part of groups that don't preach about a definite meaning of God.

I, myself, believe in the universe around me, but not one single being known as God. So letting go of control is really me just giving it to the air around me. Sometimes it really can be as simple as a page from a journal that gets burned later on.

One strong spiritual that I follow is Matt Kahn, and he introduced the idea that the 12 steps aren't made for people who want to live life in tuned with themselves. But they can be a guide for the beginning stages of becoming in tuned with yourself.

I have done the 12 steps. I believe they are a good starting point. I also believe that deep down, when we are honest about who we are, we know what will work for us. There is no clean cut way through recovery. No short cuts. No matter what route you choose. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

“he introduced the idea that the 12 steps aren't made for people who want to live life in tuned with themselves. But they can be a guide for the beginning stages of becoming in tuned with yourself. “

Oh, I like that. I feel like the 12 steps are too reliant on a higher power but I agree that it is a good starting point because some people like myself need to get in touch with a higher power in order to get tuned with themselves. Ultimately I’d like to stand on my own two feet, not trying to control everything, but to trust myself and be in tune with myself.

I really appreciate your response. I actually do what to do the 12 steps but on my own terms in a way that makes sense to me. It’s good that there isn’t a “recovery dogma” and that I can take what works and leave the rest. I like the idea of a universe that looks after me. In fact, I keep running into “coincidences” and hearing whispers that give me the faith that something is on my side helping me out like a good friend. But ultimately, I’d like to get to a point where I can rely on and trust myself.

I also learned the 12 steps through AA

My sponsor once told me that I can make my Higher Power anything I want as long as it's not my ego because my ego was responsible for getting me into trouble to begin with so it sure as hell, was not the answer to my problems....So recovery for me was throwing myself into the arms of the unknown and giving up control... I sometimes call it the universe or just spirit.for short. It does not matter. IMHO

In my personal opinion, I believe Al Anon and AA and some others are cult like organizations for some members. Other members go, learn, take what is needed and don't drink the Kool-Aid. I have many family members who are/were big in our local AA and they do not seem to have ever done all the 12 steps. I know a couple of people who have become better people through AA but others who just stopped drinking/drugging there. Just stopping the behaviors is often good enough. There is a negative phrase where I live about two steppers or dry drunks: people who don't do all the steps. My suggestion is to keep working on the steps, especially keep working on the hard ones. Take what you need and leave the rest and don't get sucked into the life long aspect if you don't need it. If you feel you have gotten all you can and that you will continue growing and moving forward without these organizations, then do so. Also, go to various of the groups because not all of them are the same or the membership brings different aspects of the group. I used to go to an Al Anon that was full of crying leaders, whoever led the meeting felt okay with crying about their story all the way through. It was annoying. I also went to one that conflicted with my church service so I didn't go often, but that one was full of serious, wanting to improve, non-cryers. My church has a Celebrate Recovery group that is not cultish, but is God centered.

As far as "Can't I trust myself? Can't I be in charge?" questions, this is for you to puzzle out. Are you seeing this as your needing to be in control, you needing to be in charge which leads to much dysfunctional behavior? I recently heard it called the illusion of control and I love that phrase. We do not have control, period, in life. Whether we believe in God by any name, or not. Needing to be in control is often because we don't have the bedrock of belief that sustains our own emotional functioning. If we feel insecure, if we feel out of control, if we feel less than, we often reach for that control in a false thinking way to make ourselves have peace of mind and feel okay about ourselves and life. Think about these two sentences and dig deep. You will find the right answer for you.

For me personally, I do not think of God as an invisible old man with a long beard in the sky controlling everyone or having total hold over our lives. Some religions believe humans are controlled by God, and others see the free will aspect. Some religions/organizations see certain types of people as bad, while other religions/organizations love all people no matter what. God is more like my best friend, the lover of my soul. I found a lot of help from reading information from the Unity philosophy.

I am going to write something very blunt. From my perspective based on what you have written regarding your need to control the BF, I see a real need for control at the heart of your own issues. I recognize this because I am much the same. I see in you what echoes in me. Therefore, I think the letting go of control, the idea of a higher power, could be very frightening to those of us who want the illusion of control. We "need" to be powerful, have power, be in power or control. This shores up our sagging dysfunction. I can be totally wrong. I have no rules for you but I do believe that if we struggle with certain ideas or certain behaviors, it is in our best interest to dig down deep and figure out why. Knowing ourselves allows us to commit to change that is in our best interest in the long run of life. It is hard work. This hard work aspect, the being brutally honest with ourselves, is why many people do not actually do the 12 steps. I have not done the 12 steps in a group as such either but I am wondering myself if going to my church's Celebrate Recovery to recover from hurts from family members and actually doing this type of work would benefit me. CR is not just addictions but I have shied away from 12 step groups ever since the crying people at Al Anon years ago. I know they are helpful for some people but I think differently than most people....

First to Bob, thanks for your reply. Anything you want but your ego is a great answer! Love it.

Urbangardener, WOW!!! Your response brought up things immediately. You are right that I have a need for control. I know a lot of it is because I felt controlled by my mother and church growing up. My mom tried and still tries to control everything of mine: my hair, what I wear, eat, what friends she wanted me to have, what hobbies she wanted me to enjoy, my weight, etc. She even tried to set me up this summer to someone else to marry because she wants me to get a guy with a house and car that will drive her around and treat her like a princess. My church was all about us letting God be in our driver seat. I used to think, okay fine, lobotomize me then. You just want to empty me out and fill me with whatever this God wants to put in me.

It made me feel like being me was wrong. I had to rip myself out of my body and let others fill it with what they want because apparently I was flawed in some way. Don’t go trusting yourself! You’re all wrong!

So I think my need for control is partly me needing to know that I’m okay the way I am, and mostly me being terrified that if I let go out of control someone else, like my mom, will take over and make me do things I don’t want to do. Like I need to hallow my soul out of myself and let someone else fill me up and that feels icky and violating to me.

Yeah, that’s a doozy. I’m definitely going to have to sit and think that one through. Luckily there is a CODA meeting tonight so I think I’ll bring this up.

I hope you find answers regarding your church’s Celebrate Recovery. Thanks as always for your responses. This as always was super helpful.

WOW, what amazing insight. Your responses always give me back food for thought and I thank you. Don't go trusting yourself, you are all wrong -- hit the nail on the head for many of us. I needed to hear that today. But not all religions are that way. My religion is not that way but I bet there are some old school churches or preachers in my denomination still clinging to "church control" of people. I go to a church that preaches how God loves everyone and includes everyone and does not control people or want to control people. But I know many people (neighbors, coworkers, relatives) who feel they are superior to me because their religion teaches them they are superior to other people simply because God has chosen them and their butts are in the pew and their checks in the offering basket. Happy New Year!

Chronic Keep doing the hard work on
yourself And keep showing up to your
CODA meetings. It certainly will not hurt
You.

Time takes time and you keep trying
To rush things and yourself. There is no
Rushing recovery. It needs to be felt on a
Deeper level. I had all kinds of knowledge
In my head. That did not change how i
Really Felt about myself and others.

No man/woman is an island when it comes
To recovery. Thats where 12 step Groups
excel. They get in there deep and squash
That immature ego. All Dysfunction needs
To stop too.

You will hear Like stories Out of someone
else's mouth and you Realize you are not
so weird or very different After all. Your
Light bulb Will go on as you get slowly
Spiritually and emotionally awakened.

I love my 12 steps groups and i love all
my other Groups Too. I do what works and
Helps me. The steps are designed to do
Over and over again. They are Really about
our Relationship with ourselves.

I was brought up catholic so I know
the ropes on religion. 12 steps Are not
religious just spiritual. We Don’t talk
about Jesus or anything like that and
many do not go to Church.

I go to church and i love the spiritual
Aspect not the religious Dogma side
So much. I love the fellowship and the
People. I go to a different church than
My upbringing. Its a baptist church were
I went to Divorce care and started going
To church there. They don't push me
which I like a lot, HUGS

Urbangardener, I’m glad my reply helped! It definitely helped having you tell me to face my need for control. I realize that I use control as a way to tell myself that I’m enough and trustworthy and I need to learn how to separate those things. Letting go of control doesn’t mean I’m too stupid to know what’s good for me. I can let go out of control and still trust myself and know I’m good enough. I haven’t gotten it in my mind yet, but I’ll work on that. I’m so glad you found a church that accepts people as they are and doesn’t want to control them. My church kept saying to us God doesn’t want to control us. He wants us to come to him willingly, but then says if you think the wrong way you’re going to hell. How is that not controlling??? I have lots of religious hang up but I will work on the idea of letting things go and understanding it doesn’t mean I’m wrong the way I am.

Mirandac, I’m not trying to rush recovery and I will keep going to CODA meetings. I just wanted to know how dogmatic the 12 steps are because for myself, they are not enough. I also use REBT by Albert Ellis and a LOT of stoic philosophy. If I could afford therapy, I’d get a therapist too. You are right that head knowledge isn’t enough and I need to get it into my heart and soul too. That’s why I’m using Albert Ellis (he stresses a lot on homework and practice) and stoic philosophy that gives great advice on routines and ways to implement acceptance in daily life. Of course CODA helps immensely and this online group is amazing. All of those different resources have the same aim: acceptance of what we can’t control and the courage to change what we can. So far I find using whatever I find useful in all of them to be incredibly helpful. I’m glad you found a church that doesn’t push you and that you’re happy with ^_^ I hope you have an amazing new year! HUGS back.

Oh, in my opinion we should seek all the answers we need and use all the resources we need. I also do not think just one method or one type of healing is satisfying to me. If REBT helps you, keep on with it. His work speaks to me greatly and I have benefited from CBT and REBT therapy plus reading his book as well as other things like self help groups and various philosophical or emotional wellness books.

Find another method if you are uncomfortable with twelve steps. It is possible without AA. I'm living proof.

Giving it up to God ~ doesn't mean you have no responsibility . It means you and I don't control life. Life happens even when you or I want something else to happen. God is on our side. God is Love and limitless and compassionate. Giving into the Higher Source means that there is an abundance and opportunities that are beyond our control and with God's infinite wisdom we will see and experience.