Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I've started my recovery and I felt good for the past 2 days.
I am dependent and reactive on a close friend, who's also a business partner. We've been having tensions even before she knew I'm on therapy. But she feels we should stop seeing each other after she understood my issues with codependency until I am better.
However, we still have to see each other sometimes at work. So 2 days ago when I pop by the event (with her knowledge), I felt totally fine and cheery and I stopped being reactive to her despite I could feel she had built a rigid boundary around me and avoid responding to me or making eye contacts. I thought I had made good improvements!
But today, I suddenly have a bout of anxiety attacks again when I know I'm going to see her at another work event tomorrow and this time, we have to pair up, with me assisting her. Much of our tensions originated from my misunderstanding of her needs and boundaries and so she's now very sensitive to both physical and emotional distance between us.
My head to shoulder feels numb, aches, I feel heartburn, increased heartbeats and butterflies in my stomach. I have no idea why, but I guess I'm suddenly conscious of her reactions to me again.
Anyone has good idea how to best deal with this, or give me some comments to help me take my head out of this confusion?
I am dependent and reactive on a close friend, who's also a business partner. We've been having tensions even before she knew I'm on therapy. But she feels we should stop seeing each other after she understood my issues with codependency until I am better.
However, we still have to see each other sometimes at work. So 2 days ago when I pop by the event (with her knowledge), I felt totally fine and cheery and I stopped being reactive to her despite I could feel she had built a rigid boundary around me and avoid responding to me or making eye contacts. I thought I had made good improvements!
But today, I suddenly have a bout of anxiety attacks again when I know I'm going to see her at another work event tomorrow and this time, we have to pair up, with me assisting her. Much of our tensions originated from my misunderstanding of her needs and boundaries and so she's now very sensitive to both physical and emotional distance between us.
My head to shoulder feels numb, aches, I feel heartburn, increased heartbeats and butterflies in my stomach. I have no idea why, but I guess I'm suddenly conscious of her reactions to me again.
Anyone has good idea how to best deal with this, or give me some comments to help me take my head out of this confusion?
Self-talk.
Tell your self affirmations as like:
It will pass.
Tomorrow I will feel much better.
This is a problem in my mind.
We are both just people trying to live.
I need to calm down and I can do that.
The symptoms of anxiety are to have crazy thoughts.
I can call a friend, I need to talk to some one.
Recognize the anxiety as different and separate from the real problem.
I have gotten through this before.
I can handle this.
Breathe deeply.
She's still your business partner, so that's good. Also, sounds like she's trying to support your therapy.
For tonight, just touch base with her. (By the way, if you are partners, why are you assisting her? Is she a bigger partner? Is she dominant? Are you a silent partner?)
But you can just say, "How do you see tonight's even running?"
Just think of her as a co-worker for now.
And breathe and remind yourself of Booky's affirmations.
Hugs.
Well, I'm assisting her because in this part of the business, that's her scope and not my expertise.
We managed to survive the 2 days. I can tell she's trying to downplay her attitude and tone so as not to give me a reason to react or display passive-aggressiveness. I don't know is it only because she wants to help me in my therapy for now or she really believes our relationship (friends & partners) is not the end. Of course, I know I shouldn't overthink, control or attempt to change anything, but accept the now. However, I just can't help but wonder.
It was pretty useful for awhile. Each time I find myself trying to picture myself in her thoughts again, I will feel anxiety in my stomach (as I anticipate her reactions unknowingly), and I'll try to as myself "What do you feel now, what are you thinking, what must you do, what is this moment?".
1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Dont Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you wont be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Dont Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
The hardest part of Co-Dependency is untangling ourselves from depending on our good feelings and self esteem from other people......we should be the only ones in control of it....the minute we in our minds give that power away, is when we are let down and have anxiety and bad feelings about ourselves :)
A lot of feelings come up all the time and for us I think because we are so hyper sensitive they feel overwhelming. And as you are starting recovery you feel really raw and vulnerable on top of it. I also use the 10 minute, 1 day, 3 day rules for all my overwhelming feelings;
10 minutes to have my initial reaction feeling wise, but I have to not act based on them...but I feel completely what is coming up. if they are not huge they usually pass, if they need addressing and are huge then I move to the 1 day rule
1 day to act on the feelings that come up for me that is if it is a detriment to me and I need to draw a boundary. If it is really big and I think I need more time to address, then I move to the 3 day rule.
3 day rule is used to make sure that the initial feeling is still in tact. If so then i know that my feelings aren't changing about the situation and I have allowed enough time to have my feelings temper themselves so I can address it in a productive manner.
Just know eventually, as time passes and you grow in your own skin a lot of these things become auto-pilot and you will feel more empowered and little things like this won't draw anxiety....we all have triggers and they will be there for the rest of our lives but they somehow temper when you start empowering yourself and not tying yourself to someone else's world/life!
This site really always helps in a pinch :) Take care of you, and know you are ok!! xxoo!