Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
im the youngest among siblings.. and i hate how the eldest is such a bossy person. she gets her way by being angry all the time and by demanding and shouting. she shouts all day because she is so needy and very dependent on my other sister. i hate this view.. i cant bear her almost always. and shethinks that bcos shes old she got the best idea always and that she tries to lead decisions.. only becos she is the eldest..she wants to lead yet she is very dysfunctional. with her, anything not nice or a complain people have for her she considers them most of them as an attack.
anyways.. my middle sister is just a bit less worse than her. she ia the hreat enabler and an in denial that what the eldest sister is doing is just fine.
i just feel ao powerless to change things.. but it annoys me a lot daily. but cant voice it out fully. because things are taken defensively.
i hate family traditions that defeat the purpose of being family.. esp now at Xmas time. theres an unspoken agreement that we share on holidays expenses such as Xmas food and gifts for relatives...and my middle sister joked a while ago that we will shop for mom's bag but only at a $15 budget.. and that sister is jobless. she was joking that that was the only budget allowed.. my view is that iy shpuld never be priced based!! why would our mom feel insulted if a gift will be given to her... regardless of the price of the item!! i live with so ingrateful family.. that 15 usd is not small esp when u worked hard for it... and i see that my sisters feel that theres always a need to give and give and give to the point of exhaustion...their esteem is dependent on their ability to give and be needed. I DONT WANT THAT LIFE. but its hard to be different without being viewed as selfish! or uncooperative... the familys mantra is always together... and always meddling with the business of the family.
i know i cant change them.. but its a hard battle to fight.
what to do?
anyways.. my middle sister is just a bit less worse than her. she ia the hreat enabler and an in denial that what the eldest sister is doing is just fine.
i just feel ao powerless to change things.. but it annoys me a lot daily. but cant voice it out fully. because things are taken defensively.
i hate family traditions that defeat the purpose of being family.. esp now at Xmas time. theres an unspoken agreement that we share on holidays expenses such as Xmas food and gifts for relatives...and my middle sister joked a while ago that we will shop for mom's bag but only at a $15 budget.. and that sister is jobless. she was joking that that was the only budget allowed.. my view is that iy shpuld never be priced based!! why would our mom feel insulted if a gift will be given to her... regardless of the price of the item!! i live with so ingrateful family.. that 15 usd is not small esp when u worked hard for it... and i see that my sisters feel that theres always a need to give and give and give to the point of exhaustion...their esteem is dependent on their ability to give and be needed. I DONT WANT THAT LIFE. but its hard to be different without being viewed as selfish! or uncooperative... the familys mantra is always together... and always meddling with the business of the family.
i know i cant change them.. but its a hard battle to fight.
what to do?
Establishing boundaries can be tough at this time, but it is achievable.
The thing is that you must never discount your self as being the youngest because the youngest always have fantastic power and influence over the older siblings.
The youngest is usually the mascot of every family and we do know that the roles are part of the dysfunction but still you can play on your role as a tool instead of just trying to defeat it.
http://louisebehiel.com/the-mascot-its-not-all-fun-and-games/
The fact is that everyone looks up to the mascot even though it is looking up to the youngest sibling.
When you know that then you can play on it and you can have huge influence over your family.
All you need do is tell your bossy big sister that you do not like her shouting - and give her no details and do not argue anything as just repeat it again and then again at a later time repeat it - I do not like you shouting - and she will stop just because you do not like it.
You saying what you do like or what you do not like is expressing your feeling and that has real power in any family.
Try it out, and it will amaze you that it works so easy.
Eventually they might start calling you a "Bully" and then just smile and stand your ground because that means you the little one has succeeded against the big ones.
The oldest sibling is probably the family "Hero" and by knowing that then you will see that she is not so bossy as she is stressed out herself.
See the list of family roles in this link:
http://www.mudrashram.com/dysfunctionalfamily2.html
To treat codependency then we are not to just reject the dysfunction but rather to recognize the dysfunctions and then deal with whatever we got to deal with.
This is all just my perspective based on my study and experience and the final decision must be your own.
My suggestion about the gift? Say that next year, you are NOT going to give gifts and do not want to get any. Say that you want to volunteer together at a homeless shelter instead.
Then, say how the real gift should be time and kindness and use it as a way to set healthy boundaries.
Better yet, do that for your NY resolution.
Hugs.
The only thing that we can control is our own reactions and behaviors. So if you don't like your sisters yelling, you have choices to walk away, ignore her, disengage OR whatever will bring you peace.
About the gift, I would purchase what I choose to purchase - period. No one has the right to tell me what I get to gift! Let her rage on about it and practice letting it roll off your shoulders. That will empower you to allow others to be whomever they are without you losing your sense of self worth anytime they try to place expectations on you.
People will try to control us all the time. We get to choose to either allow them that control OR make our choices based on our personal needs and life choices. It is a small change in mental attitude but these are the most powerful ones. Practice makes perfect.
it is easier said than done.. but avhievable. control is our family disease.. and they would not get it because they do not know about codependency.. and they have not attended and does not have knowledge of any program such as the 12 steps.
next year, id like to be able to give gifts on my own... based on our family tradition.. we chip in on funds ro buy gifts. what i dont like about that is it is forced. if i deviate they tell me im uncooperative.
just the other day my eldest sister and i were in the grocery. we were buying a Christmas gift basket to be given to the pediatrician of all my nephews.. although i understabd that the whole family consults that pedia from time to time about health conditions... i remarked - why wont the parents of my nephews be the one to shoulder that cost? they shpuld be the one going to the grocery, paying for it right?! besides i dont want to pay or share for the costs of it... i have reasons i dont have to explain myself.
then my eldest sister told me - dont be like that... its the holidays.. (that i shd cooperate).. and that its not always that there's a special occassion.
like duh.. almost every month theres some additional contribution i need to pay for the house - parents medicines, dental costs, birthday costs( another tradition that the siblings pay for the dinner cost for the bday celebrator).. i think.. that the one celebrating the bday shpuld treat the family! useless traditions...
its so hard to be tough when i am just one new perspective against old hard ways!
I think you can do whatever you want, but the trick is to not care what the feedback on making up your mind to do whatever you want.......its that you are more concerned of what they think or say about you, then your own want/needs....
So you have a choice to decide you don't care what they think or say anymore and do what you want, or continue with the traditions because you have fear that you are going to have conflict or someone else doesn't like it....
But paying for a basket for the pediatrician is overboard...never heard of that tradition....sounds made up ;)
But I think you will find your way!! Take care of you xxoo!!
The "cooperate" comments are their way of applying guilt to entrap you into being under their control. It is abusive to have others tell you how to spend money. I believe that we get something out of this sort of interaction. .it is learned and reinforced from childhood. But we do get to choose once we are adults and achieve some level of independence.
It is perfectly valid to choose to continue to "cooperate" while that works for your life. But it sounds like you want the freedom to be yourself. I find that accepting my own needs and wants and learning to nurture that part of me in healthy ways shifts my needs away from bbeing vulnerable to guilt applied by others.
And it does take work. A lifetime. This is a marathon not a sprint.
thanks for the words.