Hi B.

My understanding of this is a bit complicated but I find it to be super helpful to understand the dynamics in order to repair the problem, and it goes like this:

What you describe is being angry without any real feeling of anger, so it is a self deception.

This was a big deal for me, and it is still a big problem for my family of origin.

Getting angry is an emotion while anger itself is a feeling.

People yell scream argue fuss and fight calling it as anger but it is just an emotional outburst.

Real healthy anger does not get mad or upset - unless it is out of control which just creates a mess.

It is like a barking dog sounds angry, but a quiet dog that gives a low sounding growl and shows their teeth is the one we must watch out for, because a barking dog is not biting.

See this brilliant and important link here :
http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/personalshared.html

Getting angry is a type of weapon - oh yes - but to feel anger is not a weapon - to feel anger is our boundary line.

Just my opinion here based on my own recovery.

I was always told that anger is "fear" in disguise...and Dr. Phil says it all the time.

Ask your therapist about that..maybe you can start working on your "fears" about your Mom....and other things that make you angry...to help you work thru this.

Discovery is KEY....so now that you know your are "angry" you can break it down into smaller pieces.

I come from a different perspective.

When I get angry, I get a rush of adrenaline, the "fight or flight" chemical in the body. It's a very powerful thing. Some of us, like me, who suffer from PTSD have a more sever reaction/addiction to that and our brain goes haywire due to over exposure to it when we were younger.

I'm willing to bet you are like me- you get these triggers and jolts of adrenaline makes you a wild one, taking down everybody in your path, including yourself. Sound familiar???

The only think to do is to learn about your triggers and learn how to regulate your emotions so you aren't "overdosing" on this chemical.

With a narcissistic parent, the child subject to such soul destroying abuse tends to end up angry all the time. The child knows there is right and wrong. It is wired into our being. When the parent is constantly demanding that we take care of them in total reversal of proper parent child relationships.

Then there is the constant fear of never knowing when we will be "bad" and wrong. We were never just good enough for being alive. We were never just OK. Even when we were being the best we could be we were wrong for taking away attention from the narcissist.

Anger is natural. It is the thing that tells us we are being misused by another person. Usually, we have the choice to walk away or stop being friends. With parents there is no choice so the anger just builds and builds because we need the protection of our emotions but can't act on them.

Fight or flight is supposed to help us stay safe. But there is no safety with a narcissist. It makes perfect sense that we feel drained of everything but anger.

Working on separating, learning who you are and how to make choices that are life giving for you will help this anger dissipate.

Hey there....

Well welcome to working on your anger, I have been there (I replied that I has suspected this on your other post about your mom).

So I used to be pretty angry all the time, to the point that I wasn't even self aware of how I was coming across to people, even in the most minor of incidences and was baffled by their reactions to me. It stemmed from my upbrining, but I hadn't even had a handle on it to the point that it was bleeding out everywhere. This became problematic for me in work, relationships and friendships. With the combination of Co-Dependency (attempting to please everyone in a self sacrificing way, and letting my boundaries be completely blurred) to my lovely anger which would be the resulting terrible method of communication (or the major silent treatment if I was soooooooo angry that I couldn't even communicate), I was finding a person I really didn't like and couldn't live with and further was really hindering me in life.

I personally went for alternative help that may not fit into the parameters of what you are doing, but maybe you and your therapist can work on it.....I had to delve deep into my memory bank and find anything and everything that 'hurt'; made me feel unsafe, made me unhappy, was uncomfortable, was something I took on that wasn't mine, something my mom or someone said that was totally ripping me apart, etc. etc. etc. (maybe you can write it all down?) I had to then feel each thing in and of itself and recognize that pain/sadness/hurt/anger/etc. until I had reconciled it within myself. I did it through a process called breathwork which made it go a bit faster than it sounds.......but the deep breathing technique inevitably brought up everything that I needed to sort thru. I found prior to my birth, issues that I was carrying, based on my mom telling me the storyline....so I was even carrying pain from prior to me existing on this earth.....there is a load off!

Anyway, the best thing I can tell you is to not fear being in pain and feeling hurt and to feel vulnerable. I think I swept away those feelings in an effort to just feel invincible to anyone....but in reality I was making myself unhealthy mentally and emotionally. It is actually more courageous to admit that you are hurt and be vulnerable, and it keeps you aligned with all of your feelings so much better........the good ones become more vivid and juicy once you allow yourself to feel the painful ones.....as you don't get to pick and choose what feelings to turn off, once you elect to turn of hurt, you are electing to turn off happiness.

I still get angry and some of my old habits die hard, but I am not as easily duped into using that emotion as leading communication feeling with people. Instead I tend to let the steam off and simmer before I go into communication with someone, sometimes that can be instantaneous and sometimes it takes me a couple months......so it varies. But I do find more productive communication when I lead with love, and communicate how someone's behavior affected me (i.e.; you hurt me, you betrayed me, you disrespected me and now I lost trust or whatever). I also find that if I have to address something in the moment, I allow as much time for myself to collect my thoughts about what I really want to say before I let it come out of my mouth......it is about being present within myself in that moment and really saying "hey what am I feeling right now, and it isn't the anger".

Anyway that is all I got for you, but I certainly know that anger can be a very depleting and exhausting emotion to hold onto......also it can land you in a very lonely place in life because once you keep that emotion around it is hard to not direct it at everyone...so eventually people won't want to be around.

Take care of you! And happy to hear you are addressing your anger, i think you will find a nicer life by doing so!

Thanks very much for the replies, I can relate to much of what you've said and I'll look after the resources and techniques you suggested.

After this discovery I Googled anger and one of the websites described just what I felt, but with a bit of addition. It said that anger is a self protective mechanism, a sign of helplessness and the desire to be in control of the situation.
That old, well known word just popped out for me: control.
It reminded me of my insecurity.
First, I think, I'm going to write a letter, addressed to my anger, and tell it that I no longer need it as I'm not in the kind of danger I used to be as a child and I now have better ways to protect myself. Something like that, maybe another one to myself as well.
Also, I need to go back to the foundations again and accept it that I'm helpless I can't control anyone, anything, but myself.

Thanks guys, have a nice day.

Very good for you finding a solution.....and not just "wishing" it away....work usually produces results.


God bless.