Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hello,
I was dating a loving, sensitive and hard-working man for three years when we decided get married and combine our families and our lives.
We each brought children into the relationship. He brought two sons and a daughter and I brought a son.
That's when I realized his parenting style is a deal breaker for me...
In our five year marriage, I watched him treat his daughter not just differently, but better than he treated his sons. His daughter is not the oldest or youngest, but she received a higher weekly allowance than her brothers did. She got better and more expensive gifts than both her brothers received. She even got to choose the activities that her father planned for all the kids to enjoy that week. When his sons acted out at home or school he was quick to confront and correct them. The same behaviors from his daughter earned her no discipline whatsoever. Her father was unwilling or unable to express disappointment in her negative behavior. My humble opinion is that he was turning her into an unaccountable me monster.
I should mention that favoritism is a powerful trigger for me. Full disclosure: I watched my older sister parent her daughters in this way for years when I was growing up. Her parenting style basically said My oldest child can do nothing wright and my youngest child can do nothing wrong. My nieces and I are very close in age and we basically grew up together. Watching their mother display favoritism in this way created a rescue impulse toward the slighted child and a snub impulse toward the falsely empowered child.
Favoritism also has a terrible impact on the sibling's relationship. Fast forward a few decades into the future and my nieces grow up to hate the sight of each other and they are not very fond their mother either. I tried to share all this with my husband at the time but he said since I have only one child I couldn't possibly understand what its like to parent multiple childrenI guess I can understand that, but I dont know how much it minimizes my point.
Our marriage is currently in separation mode due to problems that make the favoritism look like a lesser issue. However, if we are able to reconcile, this problem of favoritism will be older, but not forgotten. I need to knowam I being petty? Am I looking at this through dirty personal filters? Or, when you share your life with someone do you have a personal responsibility to warn them of the dangers of their actions.
Your feedback is appreciated.
I was dating a loving, sensitive and hard-working man for three years when we decided get married and combine our families and our lives.
We each brought children into the relationship. He brought two sons and a daughter and I brought a son.
That's when I realized his parenting style is a deal breaker for me...
In our five year marriage, I watched him treat his daughter not just differently, but better than he treated his sons. His daughter is not the oldest or youngest, but she received a higher weekly allowance than her brothers did. She got better and more expensive gifts than both her brothers received. She even got to choose the activities that her father planned for all the kids to enjoy that week. When his sons acted out at home or school he was quick to confront and correct them. The same behaviors from his daughter earned her no discipline whatsoever. Her father was unwilling or unable to express disappointment in her negative behavior. My humble opinion is that he was turning her into an unaccountable me monster.
I should mention that favoritism is a powerful trigger for me. Full disclosure: I watched my older sister parent her daughters in this way for years when I was growing up. Her parenting style basically said My oldest child can do nothing wright and my youngest child can do nothing wrong. My nieces and I are very close in age and we basically grew up together. Watching their mother display favoritism in this way created a rescue impulse toward the slighted child and a snub impulse toward the falsely empowered child.
Favoritism also has a terrible impact on the sibling's relationship. Fast forward a few decades into the future and my nieces grow up to hate the sight of each other and they are not very fond their mother either. I tried to share all this with my husband at the time but he said since I have only one child I couldn't possibly understand what its like to parent multiple childrenI guess I can understand that, but I dont know how much it minimizes my point.
Our marriage is currently in separation mode due to problems that make the favoritism look like a lesser issue. However, if we are able to reconcile, this problem of favoritism will be older, but not forgotten. I need to knowam I being petty? Am I looking at this through dirty personal filters? Or, when you share your life with someone do you have a personal responsibility to warn them of the dangers of their actions.
Your feedback is appreciated.
Welcome here to this group.
I myself agree with the Man that yes the daughter gets treated better, and it sends a real important message to the boys that yes girls are to be treated better.
This is a BIG example of why the real biological father is needed in the home with their children because the father sets the boundaries for the children, and the boundaries are seen and will be internalized by both the daughter and the sons.
He really is NOT doing favoritism - no, he is creating boundaries between boys and girls, and that is a big part of the job of the father.
And I truly do not see this as the same with your older sister treating her daughters as favorites and as not favorite, because the dynamics are very different between the roles of a father and of a mother.
As such I would agree that your older sister was doing wrong, but your husband is doing it correct.
Yes you got the "trigger" from your sister and that trigger does not apply to your husband and his children.
I really believe this, but you must do as you choose.
Again - welcome here to this group.
this is only my opinion
Thanks for the warm welcome and the response.
Yes, let's hear it for biological fathers, who stick around to provide for their kids. You know, also I appreciate step dads who look beyond biology to give a child what it needs. That's what my husband did for my son.
I appreciate your take on this complicated situation...
It sounds like you are saying that a double standard is ok for boys and girls and men and women? If that's true I would like to respectfully disagree with the thought.
If teaching a daughter no accountability for her actions is dangerous for my sister, then it's got to be dangerous for my husband as well. If making a daughter feel that her thoughts and actions are more important than that of her brothers then it has got to be dangerous for both moms and dads.
I agree the father/daughter relationship is special. Ideally, he is the first to affirm her and teach her worth. But, in my humble opinion, he should not be neglecting to teach her discipline equality with her siblings. I've seen what happens when a parent leaves those important lessons to a child's teachers to life in general.
Thanks again for your valuable perspective on this, Booky.
2BWHOLE
Thanks for the response.
Our family is living with the consequences of that weird family dynamic you mentioned. There is so much resentment in a family with favorites. I agree that talking about it is a great start. Unfortunately, I get the impression that some topics are off limits with both my husband and my sister.
It's also possible that my baggage on the subject is getting in the way of my intentions on this subject. Perhaps I'm it makes me emotional and my husband only hears blame and accusation.
I'm not saying that I am perfect...only concerned.
Do you have an obligation to warn others of the dangers their actions?
I'm playing Devil's Advocate, but the dangers according to whom... you? Why are you the one to be right?
And even if you are, once you "warn" a person, you've done your duty. For you to get upset for them not bowing to your authority is enmeshment and codependent.
BTW- that's my own struggle, too.
I'd say it's indicative of a lot more issues in the relationship than just his parenting.
And Booky does have a point- boys and girls are to be parented differently. Not saying that what your husband is doing is right... but fair is not always equal.
Hugs.
Thanks for the response and your beautiful honesty!!!
You have correctly diagnosed some of our relationship problems.
I can admit that some problems stem from being convinced that I am right . My husband actually has pointed that out to me on several occasions. It's funny, but control isn't always something you can see in the mirror. It's something you see in others.
Another thing that complicates our relationship is my husband's passiveness...most of the time.
I recognize that my husband is a grown-up with a right to choose his own course of action.
However, the thing that might make me right in this case is experience. Keep in mind: I have seen this before. I have LIVED this before. I've tallied up the broken relationships from the train wreck of favoritism.
So, If I (or we as codependents) should just stand down and not get involved...just tell me one thing...How do I (we) watch the the possible approaching train wreck, in silence?
All honest feedback is appreciated!!!
And if the train wreck is too painful to watch, turn your head.
They are NOT your children. You have the peace of mind that you warned him; now, just back off. If that's too difficult, I suppose you can divorce...
You reference "experience" in this area... were you treated unfairly? Could it be that you are putting your own baggage onto the train?
I am currently separated from my husband for various reasons and here are the questions I am asking myself. 1) Do I love him. Can I live with him with all his flaws. 2) If I were to continue in this marriage, what would be the borderline. How much can I compromise. Because I know my husband and he is not going to change so I have to make a decision based on what I need to take care of myself.
And I have noticed that my husband and son have a very different relationship then the one I have with my son. Do you know why your husband is treating his sons differently? What are his intentions. After my son moved out and came to visit me, my husband came over just to see him even though my son hasn't forgiven him for what he did to me. I asked my husband why he came over and he said that he just wanted to see his son. I was shocked because they always had a distant relationship.
If you feel that perhaps your past experiences is another layer to your feelings toward your husband, it may be time to explore it and before you make any final decision.
Know that you are not alone.
Hugs.