The first step is acknowledging/becoming aware of the issue(s). The next step, I think, is to start some self-care, which includes finding a therapist. I'm an advocate for therapy, I truly believe it can work wonders when you find the right therapist. I am codependent too and when I realized it, it was heart-breaking but also liberating in a sense, to know why I am the way that I am. Once you know, you can work on healing yourself. The main thing that I've learned with codependency is that I need to love myself before I can ever be in a healthy relationship and love someone else. I've never loved myself so I always searched for that love through others, putting myself into toxic, dysfunctional relationships because I desperately wanted to fill that void. But....when you begin to put the focus on yourself and you put yourself first, something magical happens. You begin to feel a little more every day like you are enough. Like you don't need someone else to validate you. You validate yourself!
As for books, I have a few that have helped with codependency and others issues as well. I highly recommend these too.

The Miracle of Mindfulness - Thich Nhat Hanh
How to Be an Adult - David Richo
The Language of Letting Go - Melody Beattie

If you do read these, I'd love to know what you think about them.

You're on the right track! Don't look at this as a curse or something entirely negative. There is always beauty in our pain and suffering, and from the darkness always comes the light; the lessons that life is trying to teach us.

Yup, I know how you feel. I kept falling for people who were emotionally-unavailable because I didn't like myself enough to work on my own issues. Codependent No More also changed my life. However, I relapsed a few times times & it wasn't until the 3rd time I delved into it that small miracles started to happen. Therapy also helped a lot. I started working on my past & realized I had so much traumas from my childhood I thought I had dealt with already. Inner Child work was a revelation. Aside from Melody Beattie's books, I also recommend books about People-Pleasing & Inner Child. Also, I highly recommend going to CODA meetings. I kept going back, even when I relapsed. Good luck to you.

CeeCii,

I am in a similar situation. I always ended up hurt in my relationships because I felt that I was always giving 200% and my partner only when it is convenient for him. I always thought that I was just selfless, giving, with a big heart and didn't understand why all of the men I was involved with didn't give me the same kind of unconditional love. It wasn't until a couple of months ago when I started dating a recovering addict that I learned about codependency and started doing some research...If you are anything like me, I quickly put up a wall and didn't want to believe that I could have a problem like this. To me...codependency seemed "needy" and "clingy" and I HATED that label.

The more I noticed myself engaging in the behaviors that scream codependency such as trying to control the feelings of my partner, only feeling happy when he was happy, obsessing, feeling controlled by my partners every word, and literally driving myself insane by putting myself on the back burner - the more I experienced extreme anxiety and depression.

I decided to go to a therapist. And it is not easy for me to open up to a complete stranger about "how I feel" especially when I felt so crazy but it is the BEST decision I could have made. I have only been seeing her for a couple of months but she knows EXACTLY what I'm feeling and thinking and gives me helpful tips on how to love in a healthy way while not driving yourself insane.

I'm not sure if it will help but here are a few of the tips she has given me so far that have helped:

1. keep a gratitude journal everyday. At the end of the day, jot down 3 things that you did that were awesome...or times that you stopped one of your codependent behaviors. Something simple like 1. today I asked for help on Dailystrength 2. I was in a good mood at work despite being tired 3. I didn't let X,Y,Z ruin my day ... you can also keep this journal for a significant other in your life if you find yourself thinking negatively of them. Jot down positive things they have done that day. It really helps with self esteem and seeing your progress in the small things.

2. When you find yourself feeling drained and depressed and caught up in your codependent behaviors literally look down at your feet and say STOP. count to 10 and breathe then immediately write down or talk out loud to yourself about what made you feel that way, if it is really a problem, how it could be fixed and if it's worth your energy. A lot of times for me all it takes is this STOP in my obsessive thought process for me to realize I am over reacting.

3. along with the above statement...when you get upset or feel yourself overexerting yourself over someone else...go do something nice for yourself. Take yourself out to ice cream, or a drink with a friend...treat yourself to a massage or something you like to do...spend a couple of hours relaxing and watching your favorite TV show. This will teach you to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF and you'll realize how much better it feels.

My therapist also recommended any books by Melody Beattie - The Codependent No More Workbook is a great help. It takes you through your own 12 step program to recovery with guided activities to help retrain these behaviors that make us so crazy.

Someone else can only love you when you love yourself!

I am new on my journey to recovery and I am attending my first Codependents Annonymous meeting on Monday night. You can search online or on the CoDA.com website for meetings near you as well. It isn't easy but we owe it to ourselves to feel love and be in healthy relationships. Have hope and put in the work!

If you ever want to talk to someone feel free to contact me!
Best wishes and I hope this helped xo

Thank You All for your comments, suggestions and for the self-help and coping techniques. I sincerely appreciate it more than you know. I ordered the cd audio of Co-dependant no more so that I can listen it to it in my car since my job keeps me on the road sometimes.

I enjoy journaling so I will work on my gratitude journal.

I am going to order the books and give myself so much time in a day everyday to work on me because I know I owe it to me.

My insurance finally will kick in February 1, 2014 and I am currently looking for a therapist so that I can get my butt in gear towards becoming mentally healthy!

Again Thank You All!!!

So glad to hear it! The books are really amazing, I know you'll find them helpful.

That's great; I'm so happy for you!

DaisyyChains: Let us know how your coda meeting went! I'm really interested in finding one in my area but I'd like to know what they're like ahead of time.

hi CeeCil, the good thing i think is that you are aware of your issues, and i think you have an idea what the problem is, and that is giving to people who are not emotionally available or interested.
I use to see it as a challenge to win people over and like me, sometimes it worked, other times it was frustrating and perhaps i was being controlling and not seeing it.
Focus on those who will love you back and appreciate you.
take care hun.

Codependent No More audiobook is awesome! I walk & take transit a lot so it was the best way for me to get the words. It's great for those who are busy.