The fear of abandonment is just the other side of the coin on which is the fear of engulfment.

Both are aspects of codependency.

All of the information you have received about treating codependency apply to the fear of abandonment.

Many of us have found help in the program of Codependents Anonymous, Al-Anon and other 12-step programs.

Fear of abandoment is a result of separation from the self and separation from a higher power or God (in my opinion). Separation from the self and separation from God lead to separation from others.

Ergo, connecting, establishing a relationship with the self and with God is a path to healing with others. Steps 1-12, in other words.

I understand what abandonment is and I understand that I need to continue to do the 12 steps to heal in the long term. But I'm talking short term. Sometimes we're triggered. I'm new to the 12 steps. I want to know specifically things that people have done,to reassure themselves and get through those times and feelings of abandonment.

Actually, zyngyn1 mentioned a link:

http://www.newconversations.net/pdf/human_becoming.pdf

This is an amazing free ebook. Page 39 begins a section on Abandonment and Engulfment. It's a great book. It really helped provide me with some strategies.

Great question. When I have those feelings of abandonment, I ask myself, when did I first feel this way? Usually, its the memory of a small child, in a family where my parents regularly neglected my emotional, spiritual and physical needs.

Then I remind myself that I am all grown up now and no one can abandon me today, because I don't "belong" to anyone but God. Whatever anyone else in my life does, they cannot separate me from myself and from my God. I then talk to that little girl and promise her that no matter what happens in my life, I will not abandon her. Then I ask her what she needs. Sometimes, its enough just to have the dialogue with her and the feelings pass. Sometimes, I need to take action like go to a meeting, read a good book, go for a walk on the beach, have lunch with a friend or take myself to that movie I have wanted to see. Its mostly keeping myself and my inner children company. Having a strong relationship with God keeps me feeling safest of all. I know that I will never be abandoned by the only one who has the power to do that, God. I hope that is more helpful than my first general response.

imo, it has to do whether you want to live in the past, or in the present... "living in the past won't take you anywhere you need to go" works for me... when i read david richo's book, i gave up abandonment, rejection, and all fear issues... it was a simple choice, imo, do i want to live in the pains of the past, or do i want to live fully in the here and now... today... with all the expectations of gracious blessings, healings, wholeness, and happiness... i don't think there is enough time in anyone's life to go over and over he pains we suffered in our past... i'm just sayin'... can you live one day, moment by moment, in the present? hugz all around!

I reassure myself by looking for warmth, in nature, in myself and in others. When the thoughts are racing, I tell my brain to shut up and focus on the warmth in my own heart.

Also, projecting myself into something or someone other than myself beats the "woe is me...me me me" syndrome. When you realize that it ain't all about me me me, that there is a larger tribe of humanity all around us, many of whom are in far worse shape than we are, people who need our help, we realize that we're never alone, and that, by making a positive difference in someone else's life, we've also made a positive difference in and enriched our own.

Also, z is right: TODAY is all we've got. Live for today. Yesterday is past and tomorrow...who knows? The REACTION to abandonment is the problem. If you look at abandonment as "who cares if I get abandoned?", you'll have a healthy outlook on how to be a healthy individual, in or out of a couple.

I understand the horrible feelings of abandonment and empathize with you. I like Koolman's comments and agree with many of them. I don't know if there's anything that will make the pain easier except to endure until it passes, as with any pain. People like us do not like pain, we want to escape/avoid at any cost. Try to accept and even embrace the pain, try to remember it's making you stronger, try to have some enjoyable things to pull out of the toolbox for those times, take a deep breath and wait for it to pass, and it will. Abandonment and/or fear of being alone can drive us to do things that aren't too smart or don't turn out too well. It can cause us to hang onto bad relationships, jobs, etc. In the end, we're ok, the feelings will not hurt us, and objectively, our life is still the same, we still have friends and activities in our life even when those awful painful feelings hit us. I sometimes get hit by those awful feelings after I've been with people and I go back home to lonely feelings, I have to remind myself the same friends and people are still in my life, I just don't happen to be with them at the moment. No one can fill me up, I have to learn to do that myself by putting good things into my life. Everyone sometimes feels loneliness and pain, we just have to learn to endure and wait for it to pass.

Thanks everyone for your support. It is hard to feel the pain, isn't it? When my "coda" gets triggered, I can feel it in the pit of my stomach and I just want to make that feeling go away. I'm learning to just deal with it and ride out the wave. I go to bed and usually in the morning, I feel better. I'm starting to use more strategies to get through the hump. Thanks for all your wonderful responses and suggestions!

well, all i can say is this... i have overused abandonment, rejection, and fear for nearly all of my life... and i came from a situation where i lost all my family, and all relatives at birth, then spent horrors in a violent foster home... but since i have read "human becoming" and other supportive readings... all that stuff is gone from me... and i have been accepting a loved one recently who went away... so. for the first time in my life, i am not the basket case, crying, depressed, and worse, suicidal... my moods and thoughts and feelings have been stable, and i am happy, yet alone... i cannot praise my Creator/HP enough for this is what i call a personal miracle... so, i would say, do everything you can to input all the positive, healing readings, help from those who love you, support in appropriate groups and forums, and pray if you are into that... because, i can tell you from the heart, if i can do it at almost 66 years old, anyone here can! you can do it, you can learn to live in the here and now, just take some small steps in the direction of your own miracle! blessings all over you! hugz all around! "z"

My mother abandoned me emotionally and psychologically even before I was born. My father then physically left when I was 7 years old. I am now 62 and I find the older I get the harder it is for me to come to terms with this. One of the biggest downsides of this neglect is that I overprotected and cherished and loved, and still do, my children to the point where I have an emotional meltdown when something goes wrong in their lives. I am neurotic about their wellbeing. There are 4 of them and 3 are married, 2 with 2 children each and 1 son is single. But I have become such an emotonal wreck worrying about protecting my children that it is affecting my marriage - on top of a chronic illness which forced me to abandon a much-cherished career.. I have tried to let go and let God but sometimes I don't know what is the right thing to do and what is the wrong thing to do. I suspect that my kids are getting irritated with me but they don't understand that I don't EVER want them to feel that I have abandoned them Don't want them to ever think that I don't love them. I don't want them to feel that they are unloved like I still feel unloved although I am reassured all the time that they love me. I know that this kind of behaviour becomes tiresome for the family and I try to control it by taking a step back from my kids but then I feel as if I am going crazy in my head. It has come to the stage where my married son is so irritated by me that he can hardly bring himself to greet me when he sees me. He is now avoiding me. He thinks I am weak because I am ill and suffered for a long time from depression. I am also having serious issues of low-self esteem - which is not new - but the older I get and the more I look like my mother the more I hate myself. I have tried counselling and the whole book but I find that I am going to have to find a way to do it myself. To convince myself and work on my issues without the help of outsiders. I have to seek and find God's face and realise and take it into my heart that His Grace IS sufficient. There is no other way. I don't think that mothers, and fathers, who abandon their kids realise just how much damage they actually do. I also do know that I am responsible for my own happiness and cannot blame anyone else even my mother. I know these things but I have to learn to apply them. I am still working on it. We are dealt the cards when we are born and God expects us to make the most of what we have been given.