A Present Evil

Frustration, anger, jealousy, and past unidentifiable feelings haunt me yet again.  Why do I allow these very uncomfortable feelings to bother who I am today.   Can’t I just move on?  It seems like I'm being held captive by these feelings.  The sudden reemergence of an evil that I attribute to being one of the most prominent things that fueled my addiction is also having a direct effect on my sobriety which has triggered a reappearance of unwelcomed emotion.  What do I do about it?  Fight or flight?  A human instinct that we turn to when faced with danger.  I consider this present evil to be unbeatable and indestructible, just as it was before.  I can now see just how detrimental it was to the well-being of my past, having such an effect on me that it was one of the main influencers of my poor decision making throughout my younger years.  Which ultimately lead me to a very destructive way of living.  I can now see, through my subconsciously self- destructive way of thinking, just how much I brought about and contributed to the reemergence of this present evil.  I now realize that I was bringing about this “evil” through an attempt at reuniting my family while being completely aware of the consequences but reluctantly still proceeding.

Now that I was successful in doing so I deeply regret it.  Everything that was still is.  I think that even though I was going through the motions and doing all that I could to reunite this very sick group of people, while being totally aware of the outcome I was persistently, simultaneously and paradoxically doing so in an apprehensive and willful manner.  But why?  To describe this oxymoronic way of thinking in layman’s terms can be summed up by the word “twisted”.   In hindsight I can now see just how much of an impact this way of thinking had on me and still does even to this day, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  The potentiality of my still very prevalent self- destructive thinking and behaviors are clearly being driven by the mere influence of this family disease known as co-dependency.   

My biological family is made up of 1) an alcoholic in denial, 2) a compulsive liar and manipulator, and 3) the chief manipulator and virus who created and still fuels the very sickness that has haunted and still haunts us today.  And then there’s me the truth teller and scapegoat, experiencing the brunt of all this madness.  Although I have been pre-orientated (by my past attempts at treatment) to the dynamic of the typical co-dependent family I can clearly see how the roles of each family member do change in such an elusive and subtle manor that it is very difficult to “nip it the bud” so to speak.  It wasn’t long ago that my sister was very in-tune with, having much insight, to the dynamic of this very disturbing dysfunction.  She was very persistent in her attempt to convince me of such, as I would consistently deny her claims.  Showing my inability at the time to come to terms with this very great sickness prevailing within our family.  She, being the “alcoholic in denial” now is in great support my brother the “compulsive liar/manipulator” who in the past has shown a great lack of respect for anyone of us by secretively attacking our pocketbooks to gain financial superiority in the family. 

Despite my repeated attempts to warn my sister of this potential/present evil, her prevalent denial has blinded her to the point that it is contributing to her inability to see the danger that might be coming her way.  Although this very recent re-appearance of my brother is fresh, and his intentions (though he claims) may be pure it is too soon for me to make any judgement call on the outcome of his presence within our family.  I can only hope for the best.  But based on his past behavior and his very abrupt and sudden attempts to gain status in the family.  It certainly seems very convenient as his current life circumstances are in a very tumultuous state.   To suddenly just reappear into our lives seems incredibly suspecious.  So, I am naturally taking the necessary precautions that any semi-healthy person would take to avoid further disturbance in my life.

                In conclusion to this great revelation, I am choosing to flea this time. As I am quite familiar with the outcome of fighting something this gigantic, evil and confusing.  Some battles are not worth fighting as my younger years evidently do reflect.  According to my very limited understanding of how to beat co-dependency it is best that I remove myself from this situation.  I really do wish you all the best, but I can no longer subject myself to this very disturbing and prevalent sickness that is clearly contributing to the dynamic of our family.

Goodbye and God Bless!

JJ