Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I'm a bit confused about my codependency I think. I'm just going to type because I'm not sure how to ask this question. I feel I have codependency in regards to my childhood issues and having relationships but I don't feel I have self esteem issues and I feel I have control of my life. The issue I have is in the spouse department. If I only have this issue does this still make me codependent? The last boyfriend I have been talking about on here was lazy. He was also ADHD and had I think had some mental illness. He never wanted to do anything but he worked. We had nothing in common really. He loves me but didn't give me what I needed or wanted in the relationship. I feel it was definately a codependent relationship but does this make me codependent? Can you only have 1 sympton of codependency? I'm confused.
Hope this makes sense and thanks in advance.
Hope this makes sense and thanks in advance.
I'd say *if* you have some codep tendencies, at least you noted it and took action.
A person more in the deep of codep would lap up is crappy treatment and come back for more.
It's a continuum...
Next step??? Only date men who are fully developed and can meet your needs. Never let them become BF status until you are sure you've got a good one! ; )
If you have tendencies that you are not happy with then keep working to get the results you want.
Our tendencies do not have to define who we are as people.
I discovered I had very high codependent tendencies in every aspect of life but I still feel it is only a secondary trait as I am much bigger than codependency.
You question would imply you are a little codependent but think you should be more so to be labelled codependent?
You shouldn't worry about how much alcohol you need to drink before being labelled an alcoholic. You should just focus on putting the bottle down. Which is what you are doing so keep up the good work!
My understanding is that there is no such thing as a codependent relationship.
A person (one person) has codependency, as codependency does not take two.
When the relationship is dysfunctional then either one or both people have their own dysfunctions and maybe the two people are feeding off of each other but the relationship can be saved just by any one (1) person who stops enabling the dysfunction(s) from continuing.
We all really need to have a relationship with everyone or with anyone in our world, and that even means that we have a relationship with creeps and jerks and with abusers. Of course we do not enable any form of abuse and THAT becomes the relationship with any abuser that we stop their abuse, and that relationship might even mean putting the abuser into jail or into prison but it is still a relationship.
If your spouse was acting like a jerk then that is their defect but their being a jerk does not define the relationship, and if you were enabling that jerk to abuse your self then that would be your own dysfunction.
Blaming any dysfunction on the relationship is never accurate, because it is two people who each play their own separate roles.
This is just my understanding and I offer it in hopes of it being helpful.
See a different view of codependency in this link here:
https://independentfew.wordpress.com/2014/10/13/codependency-definition/
Whativegot, that's right, I guess that is my question in a nutshell. I totally understand your answer. As I am 5yr sober alcoholic I know about putting the bottle down. I will just keep working on no contact and working on myself before I start any kind of romantic relationship again.
I know I have childhood issues to deal with but not sure I really want to at this point. Do you all think I have to or can I just say to myself, "I acknowledge these things happened and move on". I feel like I can do that or do I just take it one day at a time and see what comes up. I still have not attended a CODA meeting but am doing alot of reading.
Booky: I will check out the link you gave me. Every little bit of information helps. Thanks.
I appreciate all your replies. So helpful! Thank you.
I really like this question: "I know I have childhood issues to deal with but not sure I really want to at this point. Do you all think I have to or can I just say to myself, "I acknowledge these things happened and move on".
I personally have found that the things I "avoided" dealing with early on, such as childhood trauma's, were exactly what were keeping me in my pattern. ( I see you aren't avoiding, but you are saying, I am acknowledging it but I don't want it to own me). If you are trying to redefine your patterns and get out of co-dependent, or negative habits that you have....in my opinion, getting to the source (which usually is historical/childhood stuff) is where the juicy bits of stuff are.
Why do I call it the juicy bits? Because they are the real things that keep us stifled in life, the things that are so embedded in us we don't even realize it and we may be somewhat walking thru life with filtered glasses on! They are the richness of emotions we are missing out on! Because we have put up little walls and filters and triggers to protect ourselves from feeling it...so we are walking thru life somewhat numb to everything. We may think we know why we do what we do in a logical sense, but until we understand it emotionally how it affected us, we have no idea who we really are and can't operate healthier.
In my opinion we are emotional beings and getting engaged with every emotion and allowing ourselves to truly 'feel' everything is how we grow into better lovers to ourselves and other people. The minute you are avoiding any emotion, is the minute you are basically turning off ALL emotions...in my opinion you don't get to pick what emotion you feel, once you elect avoidance or to not feel something, that is the minute you have numbed yourself to the great feelings....thereby making you blocked/a wall/cut off/unhealthy.
This of course is just based my own experience in life, it isn't based on anything I have read or was taught, but from experiencing deep seeded pains from childhood that I had nicely tucked away and finally felt brave enough or that it was worthwhile enough to look at. Now I can feel the good so much more vividly because I dealt with that pain in a real sense. In my opinion, everything is connected, what you deal with today will move into the future with you, until you handle it all.
To answer your primary question, I think that labeling it is a nice place to start, but it doesn't have to be what we get hung up on, if you have some traits of co-dependency then you know what to look at-but overall we are just humans, right?? Cause we all have 'crap' we are dealing with.....I mean just look at the list of support sites on this website! HAHAHAHA
Anyway, my two cents for the day :)
I must say you are right on track timeline wise, it was year 5 that all of a sudden a huge swelling inside of me came up and became unavoidable and I HAD to go thru the murk and mire of my child hood stuff. I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT I FOUND DOWN THERE! EEkkkkkk. It was some deep rooted pit of my marrow stuff.....icky icky. But I am so glad I just dealt with it head on, I feel so clear now.....and boy can I feel the feelings, identify them in the moment, and can communicate them freely and clearly to others...What a gift! And when they are good, I never imagined they could be like this...its the best high I have ever had :)
As far as counseling.....*sigh*....sad but true, I was in counseling for most of my childhood and young adult life, I was a ward of the court as a teen and put in youth shelters, so as a result you are subjected to really intense therapy (like 3 times a day kind of stuff). So I do most of my work myself now as I was given the tools so early on.....granted, as a youth, I had master manipulation skills so I didn't necessarily get crap out of it then, but the tools and strategies stood the test of time and I am able to put them into action now.
I guess my method today is; Quiet time and let thoughts just flow (no TV, no music, no nothing to distract, add earplugs if needed) and just BE everyday (I found night time was the right time for me) and see what comes up....its all in there ready for you to look at. Then I wrote and did a lot of artwork to express it. I never avoided any thought that came up, I know I can do that still sometimes like "Oh this thought is floating it and it is freaking me out, OH NO! I NEED TO RUN TO THE GROCERY STORE" HAHAHA.
I guess you have to find whatever works for you, and I don't know what that would be; Counseling, Group therapy, this site, A trusted friend, walks in nature....it can be anything you design....but the only thing is not to avoid anything and be completely honest about it. And hopefully you have some form of a higher power you subscribe to which is in tact, as it will be what you will need to give it all up to when you can't handle some of the stuff that comes up......like I can't even believe I can look at my mom and have a relationship with her after some of the discovery that came up-which I had whole heartedly forgotten, but I found my forgiveness and was able to carry on with no ill will at all due to my higher power-and her and I have the strongest relationship now as a result. It is a miracle!
Anyway, your willingness may be the start of that journey, not promising roses along the way....but at the end you will find an entire garden!! Promise!! XXOO