Hi H,

So much of what you say here is completely contrary to my own understanding.

There is nothing wrong with helping other people, and yes of course we can be responsible for whatever happens to other people when we are involved.

So yes give a hand and put out the fire for others and give out help and solve problems as these are positive things to do.

There is a horrible old saying that = "God helps those who help their self."

Well that is NOT true, as God helps the weak and the needy, and God helps the people who need help, and we must do the same for anyone we can.

Codependency is about controlling the feelings of others - but to give help to other people is not codependent.

You say that your company will collapse without you being there to prop it up - THAT IS NOT CODEPENDENCY, and you call it as "Classic codependency" and I can not imagine where you get that idea from.

From the words of your clients then you probably do hold up the company and that is the right thing for every employee to do - THAT IS NOT BEING CODEPENDENT.

I say you have got things really mixed up.

Here is a link to a better understanding of codependency below:
https://independentfew.wordpress.com/2014/10/13/codependency-definition/

This is just my opinion and my perspective and you must make your own decisions.

As a fellow co-dependent (who is also in sales) people are going to love you and flock to you wherever you work. We are GREAT "people pleasers" so your success and "fan base" will follow you, whereas the company you work for was there before you were born and will be there after you die =)

Thanks to your both for sharing your perspectives.

Regarding the company being here before I'm born and surviving after I die, I am one of the founding employees, so the history is actually short. Why did I co-found a company to do something I didn't want to do with someone for whom I did not want to work? That is a long story.

Anyway, I had been building up to the point where I had nearly-convinced myself that, despite my role, the company could continue regardless of whether I was there or not. The meetings I had yesterday unwound that feeling. In my position, I am not the salesperson but rather the "product." It is a tough feeling.

Booky, I'm sensitive to the fact that you sought to correct me before understanding my feelings and situation. If you seek to provide others with "correct" understandings of codependency, you may consider reading more about the compliance patterns.

I'm sorry you don't enjoy your job and don't find it fulfilling, because apparently you are very good at it!

I have trouble with the "codependent" label myself, because I don't believe it's all bad. Like Booky says, helping other people out is not bad, and at work we rely on others a lot to achieve a common goal.

I hope you don't feel guilty if you do decide to leave in order to find a better fit. Is there any way you can be happier there, possibly by transitioning into a new role? Maybe the company who is the client, would like to hire you themselves? They seem to really like you.

You have to put yourself first. If your not being fulfilled in your current role then leave.
What do you feel you have to lose if the company was to go bust? The majority of successful people in the world had major downfalls and failures before they became really successful so you could see it as a lesson in resilience to the owners if the company did collapse. Not saying it would collapse if you left!
My point is bad does not equal bad. Or rather our perceptions to do not equal reality.
Actions cause reactions. We cannot be responsible for every action and reaction of others.
I agree with scadams21. We are like solid gold in the work place. We bend over backwards for everyone. People pleasers. We get results. We pile way too much responsibility onto our work load. We carry people and prevent them for standing on their own two feet. I would feel more guilty staying then leaving!
I would focus on your new career. What do you want to do? Would you carry the same work ethic into your new career? Do you like it that you as an individual are so highly praised? Or does the new you want it to be more of a team effort and a team responsibility?
Find a new career, quit your old job and feel excited for your new role and feel excited about the path of all the others that you will leave behind. Whether you think they will fail or succeed it is not for you to judge and it is certainly not for you to feel responsible.

I agree! I'm not overly familiar with a sales type work environment and the unique pressures that come with, but I do know what it's like to stay in a job that eats away at your soul. And every time I've quit a job that I've hated, it's like a huge weight off my shoulders and I always wonder why the heck I didn't do it earlier!!

It sounds like there might be more to the story, so apologies if my response is naive or ill-informed. You seem to have given much of your energy to the company, and have brought in a significant portion of overall revenue. So is there a particular reason why you feel like you still 'owe' them something? Suppose you do quit, and the company does fail.....how would that be your fault? If they can't make it without you, that seems to speak more to their abilities than anything about you!

Sometimes you have to get out of the way for people to rise to their occasion and challenge, I mean who knows it could best thing you give the situation, maybe you have become a crutch where others just relent to the fact that you are handling it. Maybe they will succeed and do great........I have question,is it possible you might be afraid of what it means if they do succeed without you?.....I wonder how I would feel and I know deep inside there is that Cray Cray notion that 'Wait! So what does it mean if they don't need me?' And I have had that in breakups, that was actually what freaked me out.....it took me awhile to admit that it was actually that was what freaked me out more. That stung for me to recognize how I shoved and stuffed away that feeling and missed so many opportunities :/

I think the only person you are and would be, is yourself in this situation.......everyone else might just have to pull up their undies and deal with it :) U deserve happiness......promise!

I say if what you meant was having trouble with "compliance patterns" then it was a BIG mistake to call it as codependency instead of calling it as "compliance patterns".

And honestly I am NOT trying to be criticizing or negative because it was a big deal for myself to start being more accurate in whatever I said because when we use the wrong words then everything we say becomes confusing to others.

The truth will set us free.

But the only way to say what we mean is by saying it correctly.

Are you really telling the other people involved your true feelings?

If you say something like = "I do not like this plan."

That is not the same as saying = "No"

Link compliance words = http://image.slidesharecdn.com/112-150213141640-conversion-gate01/95/compliance-monitoring-effective-communication-and-documentation-practices-2014-hcca-compliance-institute-11-638.jpg?cb=1423862788

Continuing in any effort that is not personally fulfilling just to make sure that others are fulfilled is the very definition of codependent. We are only truly being all that we are meant to be when we are fulfilling our own needs as well.

Thinking more about how others benefit in light of knowing that we are totally uninspired is completely other focused. That is living for others rather than living for ourselves. And completely codependent.

As codependents we sometimes like to think that we have more power or control than we actually have. People will offer such comments just to keep their best worker continuing to drive themselves into the ground just to make their lives easier. They are not really that concerned about the other. They are simply concerned with how to keep on making their own lives a little easier.

Look at your own desires, see what you are good at, and figure out how to change the company or leave and start one where your needs and desires are fulfilled. The company will either replace you with someone who does a decent job or customers will find other companies that are sufficient to their needs.

You are likely pretty successful right now. But there avenues of creativity that are available to reach new levels when one is doing work that is inspiring in the individual way that only you can find.

We are each created to change the world. It is hard to do that when one is simply functioning each day with no actual personal needs being met.

As humans, in fact, as living beings, we are interdependent! We rely on each other for life every day in many ways. The difference with codependence is that one person will drive themselves to near personal ruin for the sake of others.

Staying in a job where others use us up even if they tell us how wonderful we are is codependent when we stay despite being totally uninspired or happy or fulfilled.

Interdependence, a healthy way of living, would be having those customers said such things while feeling that this is the THING we are meant to do with our lives. Then BOTH have needs that are fulfilled. So the difference is when only one party gets their needs met.

I appreciate the additional feedback.

I noodled on several of your responses and enjoyed the insights. RoseTylor is correct that there is a lot more to the story, but I think I've concluded that I don't quite feel safe sharing all the details with the forum yet.

In terms of a fear of them being successful without me, I'm confident that I don't have that. I would be grateful if I could make myself redundant. The challenge for me is how strongly clients, colleagues, and my boss seem to believe that I am essential to their success (and yes, I'm excellent at what I do... if only capability = enjoyment).

I can imagine she situation to be like that of a parent trying to teach a child to ride a bicycle. The parent knows that, in order for the child to learn, the parent needs to let go of the bicycle so the child can balance on his/her own. If the parent lets go, the child may fall a few times, but if the parent doesn't, the child will never ride successfully. The child, however, always begs and pleads with the parent not to let go of the bike. It is not a perfect analogy, but I have tried to think of my situation in these terms.

On the other side of this coin, the core offering of the company is a solution that I've developed and that I am the only one who fully-understands, though I have tried for 18 months to transfer this knowledge. In these terms, the dependency is real. We all probably could perform a tracheotomy on someone who was choking in an emergency, but only a highly-trained surgeon can perform a lung transplant.

I do feel some relief though. I am realizing --and your comments are helping me to remember-- that the fact that I am smart and that the clients like what I've created as something that should make me feel proud. It should not make me feel guilty or obligated. It is not my fault that I built the solution and it is not my fault that the company founder chose to parade me in front of everyone as the "brains of the operation."

I'm not sure that I can overcome these feelings in one shot (old habits die hard), but think my approach is going to be to offer to consult for my current employer, still running the solution but hopefully freeing myself from the frustrations and trapped feeling. This is not a long-term solution, but may enable them to "pull up their undies," while, at the same time, allow me to figure out what my more-permanent step should be. I am still debating whether this is "a nice compromise," or "selling out."

Thanks again.

The consulting does sound like a nice compromise, actually, it sounds like an excellent idea. Of course you will charge a fee that is fair to yourself. They can either pay your fees or learn to be more independent. I think you are doing well by taking time to consider different options and not letting guilt or other emotions take over.

Great middle ground solution :)

I think finding/identifying your own comfort levels in letting go is also a great step on the road to getting to where you want to be in life.

It doesn't have to be a black and white situation, where you literally cut everything off. Starting to create your own pace and comfort level of detachment, is honoring yourself....which is the name of the game in this life for us Co-Da's-learning to honor ourselves as well as others, not despite others, or as an afterthought, but as a priority! :)

Good work Holborn, you are on the right track!

I have to say, that BrightSide, EVERYTHING you wrote was so well written and really resonated with me, thank you for those sage words and advice, very appreciated-I needed that today!!

this comment is really my perception of leaving a ( for me) toxic work place that I had become codependent with. I had a very manipulative boss that was critical, demeaning, not answering emails, always turning things around to look like we were just bad children.
I again want to be in a position that is good and cant get that from my present job. My mind screams maybe its your fault no just not maybe it is your own fault for not being able to get along with her and knowing how to please her instead of being reactionary to her reactionary knee jerk demeaning words and twisting my good intentions to look like I am wrong and disrespective of her authority. So much of my self esteem has come from work and I get shot down at every turn without warning. Written up instead of a discussion about a situation
sharing this for anyone else that may feel this way. I over came my fears and anxiety and have found another position and am ok with leaving.
codependent of this previous job- kept trying to be appreciated and respected and after 6 years and at the edge of just walking out without a notice ( would not have been a good move) but my inner child was again screaming I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE!! I committed to a job search, prayed, and started counseling and feel good for taking care of me

Hi Holborn :)

Don't you love writing things out, and the answer just kind of presents itself? Haha.

I think you've found a great solution at least for the time being. I completely understand what you feel when you say your afraid the company might be unsuccessful, but the awesome solution you found is to train others! I mean at that point I wouldn't feel any amount of guilt. So long as you do things right there should be no reason for you to hesitate leaving (when you decided it's time).

Lets say you have given 2 weeks notice, or a month since you are the brains, and you've spent that month training others to fill your position and to keep the company running smoothly, you've at the point done everything you can for the company. You are not obligated to stay there, or to train anyone, but of course as a common courtesy you can make sure everything is taken care of and at least hand them the tools they need to be successful and really just to do their job.

Also, if the company did go under, that is in no way your fault or a negative reflection of you. The owner must step up and learn to run his own company, it's really just the intelligent thing for any business owner to do. It is their company, no one else.

I hope in time you can leave the company comfortably, or uncomfortably (sometimes we have to make uncomfortable decisions to move forward), and that you can use that brain of yours and all your energy to succeed in a field that brings happiness to your life. :)



(((hugs))))