Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I can't figure out if I've forgiven my dad or not. I understand that for me the main source of my codependency is abandonment issues related to my parents' divorce when I was 6. Specifically, that my dad is the one who left our family to be with another woman. He turned in to an every other weekend dad who was often late, then moved away when I was in my teens and became the once a month dad. He chose to spend money on cigarettes and alcohol then complain about child support or having to buy us kids something. He is an alcoholic, as is his wife.
In the last few years he has expressed strong feelings of regret over not being there for my brother and me when we were kids. I have accepted that as an apology. He has really been here for me the last 7 years. I'm 42 now. He helped get me through my divorce and get resettled financially. Despite those things I still have those feelings that he chose her, her family, cigarettes, and alcohol over his own children - plain and simple. You just can't unring that bell I guess.
We talk on the phone now and then. We tell each other, "I love you." He's been to visit. He lives 7 hrs away by car. I just don't feel a strong attachment to him. I feel like it's just a you reap what you sow kind of situation. I'm just not going to all of a sudden have the desire to have this sweet daddy-daughter relationship with him.
Here's where I don't know if I've truly forgiven him for abandoning me -
When I finally realized my codependency last summer, where it has come from, and why I'm attracted to the kind of men I'm attracted to, I realized it's primarily because of my dad's actions when I was a kid. I realize that I am an adult now and am responsible for my own actions and fixing my codependency. BUT my dad played a HUGE role in creating that dysfunction - that emotional hole that I keep trying to fill with the wrong men (who are just like who he once was). This last man was more like my dad's younger self than anyone I've dated before. I fell for him hard because the relationship felt so familiar emotionally. I didn't know why I fell so hard at the time, but once I fell for him it was too late. I have had so much pain this time around. This relationship was never going to work because of the very reasons I chose him - wanting someone to be there for me emotionally when they aren't emotionally available to me to begin with. I got VERY attached to this one, and the ending of this relationship has been very painful. I've gotten to the point where I want to avoid my dad because it just reminds me of all the relationship failure and pain I have experienced as a result of choosing those men just like him, particularly the most recent one.
It's not that I don't want to talk to my dad because I'm mad at him. It's because I am reminded that my current pains have a LOT to do with his abandonment of me. Can I have truly forgiven my dad when I don't want to talk to him because of the pain I'm experiencing right now?
In the last few years he has expressed strong feelings of regret over not being there for my brother and me when we were kids. I have accepted that as an apology. He has really been here for me the last 7 years. I'm 42 now. He helped get me through my divorce and get resettled financially. Despite those things I still have those feelings that he chose her, her family, cigarettes, and alcohol over his own children - plain and simple. You just can't unring that bell I guess.
We talk on the phone now and then. We tell each other, "I love you." He's been to visit. He lives 7 hrs away by car. I just don't feel a strong attachment to him. I feel like it's just a you reap what you sow kind of situation. I'm just not going to all of a sudden have the desire to have this sweet daddy-daughter relationship with him.
Here's where I don't know if I've truly forgiven him for abandoning me -
When I finally realized my codependency last summer, where it has come from, and why I'm attracted to the kind of men I'm attracted to, I realized it's primarily because of my dad's actions when I was a kid. I realize that I am an adult now and am responsible for my own actions and fixing my codependency. BUT my dad played a HUGE role in creating that dysfunction - that emotional hole that I keep trying to fill with the wrong men (who are just like who he once was). This last man was more like my dad's younger self than anyone I've dated before. I fell for him hard because the relationship felt so familiar emotionally. I didn't know why I fell so hard at the time, but once I fell for him it was too late. I have had so much pain this time around. This relationship was never going to work because of the very reasons I chose him - wanting someone to be there for me emotionally when they aren't emotionally available to me to begin with. I got VERY attached to this one, and the ending of this relationship has been very painful. I've gotten to the point where I want to avoid my dad because it just reminds me of all the relationship failure and pain I have experienced as a result of choosing those men just like him, particularly the most recent one.
It's not that I don't want to talk to my dad because I'm mad at him. It's because I am reminded that my current pains have a LOT to do with his abandonment of me. Can I have truly forgiven my dad when I don't want to talk to him because of the pain I'm experiencing right now?
Everyone deserves a loving partner and relationship if they want one. Why not me? :(
Perhaps you could understand that when you declare that you do not want any "faith based" then that is a wall which you are enforcing, and such walls do not just shut out things that you do not want as those walls also lock your self inside into a self made prison.
Often times psychology tells us that when we are angry or upset with our parent(s) then it is really being angry at God because it is God who has made your life miserable or unhappy, and since you have shut out the "faith based" then the only one left to target your frustration is against your Dad who does not deserve that.
Some people believe that anyone can recover without God or faith, but I say no one can ever truly be healthy without first creating a healthy relationship with our Creator the Father God because our own conscience is telling it to each of us.
If you can find a way to break through your own wall against "faith based" then you will find a much better life waiting there for you to live.
Faith based Links:
1) http://www.cs.cornell.edu/home/kreitz/Christian/Boundaries/13avoid-misuse.pdf
2) http://powertochange.com/experience/sex-love/boundaries/
This is just my opinion, based on my experience and study.
You don't have to change a thing about how you interact with your father to forgive.
I had to go thru an exercise where I visualized my inner self as a child, and actually have dialogue and action between me now and that child who still was suffering. It was a trippy experience.....but it REALLY WORKED.
Mine was due to abuse by my father and so it was a really sketchy thing, there was my child who was abused, the angry teen who had figured out what had happened so became the "tiny soldier" protecting myself and literally lashing out at people for the smallest things......I didn't even know that I had those little spirits still kicking around in there-I thought it was all just me as an adult, but the psyche has been imprinted and that doesn't go away so easily and that is what is carried into our adult life unless we start that reconciliation within.
So today I am able to reconcile that my adult self fills any voids for the child and the protective teen (I don't need the protective teen any longer-with that came the ability to let go of my anger) that were abused and abandoned, and that I WON'T put myself in any future precarious situations, and that me today as the adult will protect that inner child AND the teen.
To answer your question, in my opinion, no you have not forgiven him because of exactly what you said "the pain of today" is in part a result of his behaviors towards you as a child and what was the foundation to what you are dealing with today. I think we can all attribute some portion of our co-dependency to our parents......so I suppose no getting out of that.
To me that outlet to forgiveness is so needed as it becomes an anchor in moving forward in life......so however you need to find your path to forgiveness, I will wish that for you!
But maybe try my visualization on for size, and see if it fits...it sound kind of "woo woo" esoteric, but you might be surprised what you find out about yourself and how much that inner dialogue helps!
Take care of you xxoo!
I really understand what you're sharing. I have a very similar situation with my Mom, so much so that the man I married is basically the same as my Mom. (ugh). Anyway, as I read your post...I wanted to ask you something. Have you forgiven yourself? Or more importantly, are you ready to trust your own judgment? I've held onto a lot of negative memories out of fear that if I forgive, I'll forget. If I forget, I'll let whatever has happened, happen again. All that stems from a huge lack self-esteem and trust in myself. Does anything like that exist in you? I could just be projecting, but it was a thought that might be useful to you.
Good luck.
@CoDaChrome - I don't know if what you shared will help Frethel, but it certainly helped me. Thank you for posting that!!!
I think for a long time I had forgiven him. I think that since I've learned about codependency and it's source for me, it has made me angry with him again. I just hadn't realized how deeply his abandonment had affected me until recently. As I said, it's been less than a year since I've learned that I am codependent. It is taking time and work to adjust to that. It has changed the way I look at my life. I think that as I learn things I can do to help keep it in check that I will find forgiveness for him. I think there will be days that I'm good with him and forgive him, but I think there will be bad days where something sets off the codependency and I'll find the hurt and anger for him again. I think that would probably be a natural reaction for most people in this situation. I think that as my adult self learns to take responsibility for those feelings that set off the codependency I'll learn to let go of blaming the things that happened in my childhood to make me this way. I think I was a little too hard on myself in the way that I questioned whether or not I had forgiven him.
Forgiveness of a hurt like that isn't easy. Obviously, I want to. I think as long as I want to, that's a good sign and I'll probably eventually get there.
My thoughts:
1. While I personally have faith in God, I don't think it's necessary to have it in order to forgive, or you'd see a lot of pissed atheists running around. Sometimes, I think they're the really free ones b/c they don't "need" God to function. It shows an incredible reliance on Self to not acknowledge a higher power and while that's not for me, I respect it- only God knows our paths, and I think it's not necessary to put God in psychology to heal.
2. The fact that you have SO MUCH insight into your present based upon your past and you are now able to peacefully communicate with your father means you have forgiven what he did in the past, but it doesn't mean you've completely HEALED. BIG difference.
3. You are still broken from his past injuries because you are unhappy today, based upon his actions when you were a child. I agree with Coda (usually do) about needing to heal your inner child, but I don't think that means you haven't forgiven your father. Otherwise, you couldn't let him in your life at all.
4. If it hurts too much to be with him now, maybe you need to tell him that. Did you say that to him? Did you tell him that because of his treatment of you in the past means you are making lousy choices now? I think you need to tell him that. Give voice to the pain and stand up to the Old Dad as your Current self. Maybe that will stop this weird Back to the Future time loop in your head.
I had to get really PISSED at my dad and had to yell at him and he needed to HEAR me in order for me to break the cycle. I now am a different adult self and no longer have that child in my head. Every now and then she pops up (a good thing to know when my boundaries are being violated) but she no longer rules me. And now when my dad slips into his old ways, I can disengage emotionally and still have him in my life b/c he no longer has an effect on me. Are we close b/c of that? Nope. But that's okay. At least we can stay in touch and have some semblance of a relationship. At this point, he needs me more than him and I can compassionately be there for him without it being at my expense. Booky- I think that's what you mean by showing compassion, right?
Hope this helps.
Hugs.
It is nothing to have love and compassion for nice and wonderful people as that is easy.
When we do NOT have love or compassion for those that hurt us or that keep pestering us then we become otherwise like they are.
Of course we do not like what they do, and we do not enable their garbage, and we do not let them control us any more, because then we find out the real meaning to love and compassion when we give it to our enemies.
See the Bible Luke 6:32-36
Link https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+6%3A32-36&version=KJV