how old are you? i just ask because it was similar for me when i was a teen/ early 20's.

but occasionally it is like this still. do you know sometimes i get a gift at christmas and before i can say anything my mother says to me her 33 year old daughter, "what do you say?" the way i do to my 5 year old!

it burns me up lol.

i used to feel that way about my father also. i don't anymore. i wish i knew what changed it. i think seeing them as human beings instead of authority figures. and forgiveing them. the funny thing is my dad was the realy abusive one but i am pretty okay with him now but have issues still with my mom.

sometimes maybe we see inside of them what we do not like in ourselves?

feel better.

That is a very peculiar way to be, so is it a step-mother? or are you sure she is your real Mom? since people often lie to their kids saying this is Mom or that is Dad when the real parent has been kicked out of sight then just because they claim to be the parent does not always make it true.

The birth certificate will usually tell the true mother but I would check the cert for clues too.

And I would not ignore feelings like those.

And it does sound like an adult responding from child abuse that you are concealing or suppressing, but we do not want to jump to those conclusions without some evidence.

My suggestion is that you start digging into some hard research to find out exactly what is the source of such feelings.

Hi, I read your post initially, then waited to see how old you are. Resentment and unresolved anger as a ressult of not-so-good parenting left me feeling that way for years about my mother. I held her responsible and accountable for failing to adequately protect her from my father, trying to control me and everyone around her, and for being a religious addict as well.

It took a lot of time, goegraphical/emotional distance and recovery for me to quit punishing her for being herself, criticizing her for not being the mother I "expected", and judging her for the character traits she lacked, that I wanted her to have.

Today, I am still most comfortable when my mother is not in the same house or state with me (she lives on the east coast, I live on the west coast), but I enjoy occasional visits, frequent telephone conversations and family get-togethers. I have forgiven her of the things she did that caused harm to me, but the consequence of that harm is that I do not feel close emotionally to her, I do not see her as a person I would entrust my deepest feelings with, and I do not particularly enjoy her company. But I am not resentful, angry nor do I get triggered today by what she says and does. I have compassion for her like I would a recalcitrant child, so long as I keep some distance between us.

Because I still need maternal nurturing on occasion, even as an adult, I have found surrogate mothers in my programs of recovery. There I find loving, trustworthy women, capable of giving me the respect, love and care that I did not receive from my mother. Because that need is filled in a healthy way, I don't feel compelled to get it from my biological mother, and good thing, because she has limitations in that area that have not improved with time.

The best thing is that she is 94 years old, I have treated her with love and respect, and I felt great sending her a spontaneous lovely gift of something I knew she would just love. I don't have to be unhealthy to love someone from a thoughtful distance, when that is the most loving thing for me. It is also the kindest thing for her, because she doesn't have to be faced with a daughter who hasn't "forgiven" her for th mistakes she has made, which she doesn't even recognize as mistakes. She was just doing her best, and it was not what I hoped for. I don't get to hold her in judgement and stern accountability until she "repents". This is a good path for me. Hope that helps.

oops, typo. Meant "adequatetly protect ME from my father (molester)"...

There is such a thing as intrusive parenting. It begins when the child is an infant, and can continue until the child says in their own way, ?no more."
The room-cleaning is an example. She, for whatever reason and particular setup you have, is intruding into your space, in order to 'clean' it.
Part of the Serenity Prayer seems to apply here: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (she wants to clean my room), the courage to change the things I can (I can clean my room myself and avoid all this).
Having an opinion she wants to argue with is another example of intrusive behavior. It's YOUR opinion, and belongs to you.
As far as resentments and feelings/reactions, this part requires long-term work. We all have them, and we all do find ways to get better. The discomfort we feel is the motivation to start getting better.
Hope this helps.

hey everybody..

thank u so much for the answers..

well Booky, she is not a step mother but..who knows...as long as she lied to me about my real father and I only knew the truth when I was 13 I don't doubt there may be another lie...but don't know if I wanna go deep down this anyway...

and Wypy, I am 23...I agree with you that age can be a factor that makes it difficult but I also think there may be something else behind my feelings of rejection...her behaviour when I was a child but all I can do is work out this feelings, trying to find more peace...
thank u all.

Well I say if we consider your first post on this thread as true and accurate, THEN, then it does not matter if you want to dig deep to find out what is going on - because it is calling on you.

If we resist our feelings and resist our callings then we will not be content or happy.

The thing is that you do not WANT to be angry or upset with Mom and so you are trying to shut it out.

yeah, Booky you understood everything, u are right...but I don't know from where to start it...

Perhaps you can start where you have some power to change things....with you.

Your mom is who she is. She probably is not going to change. You can start living your life as though you had a wonderful relationship with her. What would you do, if you were not afraid of her? If you did not feel anxiety everytime you are around her? If she did not irritate you by her presence?

It helps me to journal about any resentments I have using this formula. I start with five columns. The first is what is my problem. Resentment toward my _________. The second column is, What actions do I resent. I list them specifically (what the other person does that I resent). Column three is "What These Actions Affect". Under here, I identify what area of my life is impacted by these actions, such as my sense of security/safety, my self-esteem, my sense of justice, my sense of order, etc. The fourth column is "How I respond in ways that are unloving to myself or the person I resent". I list the things I do that I am not proud of, that are hurtful or that escalate the situation. These might include being cold, saying mean things, ignoring the person, blaming the person, picking fights, being uncooperative. The fifth column is: What I do that is healthy in response to these behaviors. Here is where I can measure my growth. Walking away rather than engaging in an argument. Doing something kind and loving even when I don't feel like it. Standing up for myself respectfully. Being quiet when I want to lash out.

This is where I start with any resentment and I do it regularly to see my part in the problem and to see my recovery. Perhaps it will help you as well.

oh grace, very interesting your opinion...I never thought about working out resentment this way, I definitely will try it..thanks.

Thanks, hope it helps. That is the way I do my Fourth Step in Alanon and CoDA. Its a combination of the suggested 4th Step formulas for AA, CoDA and my own experience. Then I share it with a trusted friend in recovery, pastor,priest or sponsor (5th Step). Feel free to share your results with me or on the board. It would be an honor to receive that.

Hugs,

Grace

Well I like Grace's opinion too, and this time I see Grace's opinion as excellent.

I have family members that stay mad and upset at each other for many long years but they never (and can not) put their reasons into simple words so we can understand what is troubling them.

And when they do not know or do not tell what is troubling them then that means no one can even apologize or make amends because we do not know what is going on.

So writing it out like in a journal is a great idea.