SadNLonly,

Very sorry to hear about your losses.
You may want to read the Patterns of Codependency on the CoDA website and decide for yourself how many of these apply to you and how strongly. For me, not everything applies but many of the patterns read like my biography.

http://www.coda.org/tools4recovery/patterns-new.htm

Good luck to you.

hmph, my link seems not to have worked. You can google "CoDA New Patterns of Codependency" and find it easily if you're interested.

thanks. I'll check it out

If your therapist is suggesting you are codep because you are having difficulty being singe b/c of a breakup that was a relationship that lasted half of your life, that's a bit of a leap.

Is it only this area in your life? Are all other relationships with proper boundaries?

I'd take a deep breath and not rush to come to any conclusions just yet.

Deli

I read over the symptons as given above and really the only things that seem to apply to me are low self esteem and controlling.

I am think I am not a codepedent. I get that I have to figure out how to get better, but what my therapist is suggestion, I think almost everyone could be codependent.

I will just continue to read on how to improve my self esteem and control issue.

Just need to figure out how to turn years and years of negative thinking around to love myself. Easy way to do it??? lol I wish.

Read Thich Nhat Hanh. He's a monk, not a doctor. His writing has spiritual and universal truths without getting preachy or pedantic.

Spend a few weekends reading a couple of his books with some tea and clean eating. You'll feel like you went to a spa retreat with a personal life coach/guru.

: )

I think when you have a licensed professional that has spoken in session with you repeatedly, has developed a file on you, and comes to the conclusion you are codependent---then the person you ask about whether you are codependent is not us (regular people online), but you ask your own therapist who diagnosed you as codependent and spent the time with you and is a licensed professional.

He obviously came to that conclusion with bases. The questions then become: Why would you not ask him and why are you afraid of asking him?

I know this sounds strange, but if you are human, you are co-dependent.

And that's not a bad thing. It's human to be co-dependent. Like they say, no man is an island. We all need each other. The surest method to go completely crazy is to try to live your life with no friends, family or loved ones. So relax, being co-dependent is perfectly natural.

Obviously I am not a friend of this new-speak "co-dependency" like it were some sort of disease. It's not. BUT, perhaps low self-esteem is the root of your hapiness.

It took me years to figure out that co-dependency wasn't the problem. Low self esteem was the problem. I was told that I was co-dependent, because my spouse had problems with alcohol. I wanted to help him, and the result was being told that this is an "addiction".

No, it's not an addiction. It's natural for people to want to help their loved ones. His addiction did not automatically make me an addict, too (by default), although many people will tell you that's not true.

I'm here to tell you: TRUST your gut feeling! If you have doubts you're codependent, put down the book, "Codependent No More". It will only confuse you.

Tell your therapist, you don't believe you're a co-dependent, and talk about your low self-esteem issues. Low self-esteem doesn't not automatically mean you are a "spiritual addict". It means you have low self esteem, depression and grief. Those are your real problems. Focus on them. They are not easy to solve.

One of the things I remember, oh, so often, from therapy was the repetative slogan: "YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF!" And I found that sooooo difficult.

But, I will let you in on a little secret on how I solved it. I found out it was more physical than anything else.

1) Have your thyroid tested. Chronic hypothyroidism and iodine deficiency lead to chronic poor self esteem.

2) Curb your sugar/starch intake drastically. Try alternate day fasting. Constant sugar/starch intake leads to chronic poor self esteem (as well as poor memory, poor concentration, chronic depression, and anxiety).

Had I done these 2 things I mentioned above earlier, I could have saved myself years of grief. It was only after I got rid of my iodine deficiency that "Love thyself" didn't seem impossible anymore.

I never would have linked sugar/starch intake to low self esteem but the loss of 30 pounds after all but eliminating the sugar has boosted mine. I also find the thought that co-dependency is an expected human trait is another interesting idea. It's true, human being seek society. The only way to not be co-dependent is to live in a cave alone, I suppose. I am not a big fan of self help books these days. I think you can read anything and find yourself in it, or your spouse, your parents, your children, your dog... I think it takes courage to be be different. To live and love differently. It is hard to break patterns. It's easy to come here and blame everything on someone else in your life, when in fact it is you. You have the control. Now it just takes some courage.