Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
So 2 years ago my daughter which was 5 told me and my girlfriend at the time that Scotty which is my mothers soon to be step son touched her. Now Scotty was 12 at the time and ex wife called the cops they couldn\'t prove anything, I was told by the courts that I couldn\'t take my kids around him which is something that I wouldn\'t want to do anyway. Now my mother is getting married at her house with the boy there and except me to take my kids around him and we got in a big yelling match, she told me that she new something happen but we should forgive him because he was 12. Now Im not taking my kids to the wedding and Im not going but how would everybody feel and would they forgive there mother.
I would make protecting my daughter my first priority. That is your most important role in life, to be your kids protector. Forgiving your mother and exposing your child to harm are two different issues.
Your feelings on not forgiving your mother are normal. Things happened to me and my siblings due to my mother's neglicience and it is hard to forgive. Iunderstand and see she didn't do it on purpose but it takes time and a lot of healing. Do you get a sense your mother may be trying to live a "picture perfect " life and tries to avoid the real effects and pain of what happened to your daughter. Some people can't handle things and look to get away from it in any way they can.
Congratulate yourself for being able to be there for your daughter. Not many people can stick through tough things.
Take care
I would not take the girl around him ever again, but the boy still might have issues and he might find other victims or not.
So I would not ever forget past wrongs especially one like that, but I would want to know what type of character the boy has now?
And maybe the boy needs counseling or even some closer attention.
And it troubles me as to why the police could not prove anything - like does that mean the boy denied doing it? or did the girl's story not add up? or was it just young kids playing and it went where playing was not meant to go? like a happen chance?
And at 5 and 12 the children could be curious without being perverted.
Since the boy will now be a close relative then I would want to do some investigating and I would want some more info accordingly.
We do not have to assume the boy's guilt but protect the daughter anyway.
My perspective.
In my opinion, it is not your mother, that deserves forgiveness, but her stepson. Your mother has the right to see this incident any way she chooses. She did not cause the inappropirate touching, and she may, like Booky, think it was a non-event because of his young age. I happen to think differently, having seen first hand, that a little girl is traumatized by ANYONE touching her inappropriately, especially by someone who is 7 years old, and not another little 5 year old boy exploring his sexuality.
Having said that, I would not ask my daughter to be in the company of anyone who violated her sexually for any reason, because that is minimizing it by me, which adds insult to injury. When she is old enough to work through the issues that arise out of the molestation, she is old enough to decide if she wants to be around that person.
In terms of codependency and recovery, we forgive because to do otherwise keeps us in resentment, fear and rigid judgment that hurts us and prevents us moving forward. Forgiveness is what I do for myself, it does not mean I have to forget what was done, or subject myself or minors in my care, to further harm by that person. You can forgive the stepson for his behavior and your mother, if you feel she wronged you in some way, without taking your daughter to the wedding. How much of this is your daughter aware of, and have you offered her counseling with a qualified therapist?
She is the one who was injured, and is the one who should be your first priority. Your concern for her emotional healing will go a long ways to reducing any lasting damage that may have occurred to her. Watching you practice forgiveness without allowing further harm to her, is also something she needs to learn, and you could be the best teacher for her.
Finally, if any of your anger toward your mother is about her not standing up for your daughter and protecting her, perhaps you are also wrestling with anger at yourself for being responsible in some way for not adequately protecting your daughter from this person. If so, you can forgive yourself
for that, and remind yourself that you (and your mother) and the step-son probably did the best you all could do with the information you had at the time. When sexual abuse occurs, there are many people who suffer in its wake, not just the victim of the actual abuse.
Hope that helps.