Hi Avery,

What I find is that we all already know exactly what we need to do, as it is different in each family and each relationship and depending on the person, so we each must look inside of our self because I am sure that you already know what you your self needs to do.

In codependency if I or some other person tells you what to do, as like if I say for you to move away from your Mom, then I would be making the decision for you instead of you taking control of your own life.

Maybe you just need to go see a Counselor, or maybe send Mom to AA, but since it is your own life then you really need to look inside of your self and find your own independent answers.

There are lots of books that can help you, and there are groups which you can attend, but whatever you do it needs to be your own decision, and not dependent on any one else.

Welcome to this group, and it is not always easy here either.

My advice is to try to separate, in your own mind, your life from your mother's. You say she is a functioning alcoholic, so I say let her function in whatever capacity she wants. She is an adult and is free to do as she likes, as long as she is not a danger to herself or to others. Once you separate yourself from her, you can begin to make decisions for yourself, based on your own needs instead of those of your mother. While moving out would certainly help with that, I understand that sometimes circumstances require to remain in the same household. Just remember that the more you focus on yourself, the less it will feel unnatural. It's about making changes that, even though are uncomfortable at the moment, will become the new normal down the road. I know it's hard with alcoholics, as I was married to one and and the daughter of one. You want to help them lead a different life that will be better for them, as well as you. But it is their life to lead as they see fit. All we can do is distance ourselves as much as possible from their dysfunction and try not to take it personally. Their alcoholism is all about them and not about us at all. We are powerless to change it. That is a hard reality, I know. But it is the truth. Put the focus back on you and what your needs are. In time it will become more natural.

It sounds like you are overwhelmed with DOING for mom rather than being with her.

You are a full grown adult now according to your age. Most young people your age are making plans and working toward leaving mommy and daddy's house and making a home of their own. In the US, young adults move out around your age and start careers and form families of their own. It really is not the norm for children to be trapped taking care of parents, especially when the parent refuses to take care of themselves.

What plans have you made for becoming independent and moving into a place of your own?
Do you have a full time job?
Are you getting an education so you can start a career of your own?
It would be best for you to create some distance from mom so you can have time where you are not overwhelmed by her issues all the time.

This almost sounds like the roles are reversed and you are acting like the mom and she is the child. Is she so sick that she needs some nursing care?
Why does she "have the option to forget"?
How old is your mom?
It sounds like your dad is not in the picture. Did you take over his place?

It is hard to really offer advice without more information. Generally, young adults your age are making plans and moving into homes of their own. Going on dates looking to marry or choosing to be single and creating a circle of friends and coworkers with whom they spend the largest part of their time. These are the things you might want to think about planning. At least, go out and join some groups, a church, volunteer somewhere, do something that you enjoy so you are making friends your age or doing something just for your pleasure.

Write out a plan to make changes that will make you happy. If that is finding a place of your own, make a plan to save the down payments or security whatever you need, find a realtor to help you, look in the paper for rentals or a home if you can afford it to find a place.
If you need more education, contact the local colleges. Talk to admissions about skills surveys to see what you are good at and what pleases you. Then go for it.
If you don't need anymore education, find a job.
if you have a job, make plans to go out to dinner with co-workers. Talk to them about when they moved out of their homes and how they found a place to live.

Mostly, if your mom refuses to go to rehab, you will have to plan to lose her. She is killing herself with the alcohol. So you are going to lose her because of this addiction. Making a life of your own will make this loss much easier.

if you share a little more, perhaps advice that is more specific can be offered. Right now we are really grasping to know what might worked best for you. Perhaps that is part of your issues. idont; realy know right now.

Thanks for joining us
Sunny

I just have to compliment you on your maturity. For someone around your age to recognize a problem and seek the opinion and advice of others shows great maturity. Most young adults think they know all there is to know.

It usually takes another 8 to 10 years to mature into someone who realizes that asking for advice before making a decision can assist us to finding choices and making a choice from those suggested by others.

Never be afraid to ask others for their advice. Remember that YOU are choosing what to do. Just because someone else suggested it makes no difference to the FACT that YOU make the ultimate choice. If you decide to follow the advice of another, that is STILL YOUR CHOICE that you are making. The other person merely offered an opinion.

One thing to keep in mind about advice here.... You really should test everything that we say against YOUR beliefs and understanding about your life. We can only suggest based on the lives that we have lived. You must consider what fits into your life for you and only you. If an opinion or suggested seems right to you, that is still your choice to make for your self.

Remember also, that it is a simple thing for an abuser to make up some username and appear to offer advice out of kindness when their real intent is to control others or play some game. It is the nature of the beast of being anonymous. There is always BOTH good and bad available.
This is why I thought to compliment and suggest that you approach this carefully.

So think carefully and read thru the advice that you receive. You have your entire life ahead and plenty of time to consider and plan. Double check your decision with other adults whom you trust OR if you have no one else, read up on the internet to see if the advice matches with the professional advice that is available all over.
Even then the choice remains yours and yours alone. No one can force your choice. We can only suggest ideas.

Hope you find your answer
Sunny

Booky,
Thank you and I do know what I need to do. I've known for quite some time that I do need to move away from my mom in order for me to get better. I am seeing a therapist and I am also in group therapy. My mom won't go to AA because she doesn't think she has a problem. I know it's not easy, nothing is easy if it's worth it.

Cheryt,
I have been making steps to discontinue being an enabler for her. I do need to define a clear line between her life and mine, which over the years has become blurred.

SunnyBunn,
I am overwhelmed, very overwhelmed. My plans for becoming independent and moving out on my own are to find a job that I enjoy doing (my sister actually made a promise to me that as soon as I get a job that she'll let me move in with her that day). I have tried school, always hated it. I do create distance as often as I can with her. When she's been drinking and starts going off on tangents, I pack a bag and leave for the night. I also leave when things are good but, I feel like I need to do something for myself. You are absolutely correct when you say the roles have been reversed, she sick to the point where she needs to be in a nursing home. Her option to forget is the drinking, she drinks so much that she blacks out. She is in her early 60's. My mom and dad divorced when I was a teenager, I don't talk to him often because him and I have always butted heads. I have gotten to the point in my life where I've realized who my true friends are, which aren't very many. Those friends are the 3 I call when I need someone right then and there. I do have other friends, but, I don't talk to them much. I used to ride horses, which I loved, but, the economy got hit and I couldn't afford my horse anymore. My mom will not go to rehab, and I have already accepted the hard, hard truth that I will lose her to this. I actually had a major panic attack the day I came to grips with it.
Also, thank you for the compliment. I have known for a long time that there is a problem and that I don't know everything.


Thank you everyone for the advice, it is greatly appreciated.

Hi Avery, sorry to hear about your situation and that you are struggling to cope at the moment. I was the mother to my mum until i was 14 years old until I made the choice to move myself and my younger siblings to my fathers. But the damage was already done which Is probably why I have found myself in a codependent relationship in adulthood. My mother has been missing from my life for the last ten years and when she does call it is only to elicit sympathy for her horrible life. I am still the parent to her now and she is still emotionally unavailable to me. Ever since I left her at 14 I have felt massive guilt for leaving her when she needed me. But i have since learnt that I was a child and it was not my responsibility to take care of her. Even now as an adult it is not up to me to make her fulfilled or meet her needs. The only needs I have to meet are my own. I have eventually accepted the fact that she is limited, both as a person and a mother. I will always love her but she will always be limited and a toxic person in my life. All you can worry about is yourself. You may feel guilt or shame for leaving her but the only person who can help her is her. You cannot save her. You need to start living for you and good on you for trying to get out of your comfort zone. I know this is much easier said than done as it is still a struggle for me to change my focus from her to me and practise living life for myself everyday. Just know you are not alone and you are allowed to be happy. Many people mistake focusing on yourself for selfishness but this is not true. It is not until you truly love and care for yourself that you can have anything healthy to give anyone else.

Here is a bit about grief to help you with that process:
http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

I suggest that you book mark it for future reference. Read it over so you can recognize any symptoms that you are experiencing right now. When we know a loved one is slowly dying, we grieve before as well as after.

ONE THING: Don't let anyone tell you that knowing ahead of time means you should not feel just as much grief afterwards. People did that to me because of cancer. But it felt just as bad after and having those people tell me that at the funeral just made it worse.

Let us know how you are doing.

Sunny

Hi Avery: There is a excellent group on D.S. called Family and Friends of Addicts (alcohol, drugs, etc.). They are people like you and I put the site below and hope you will check them out. Just click on the green link below and it will take you directly into that site.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Families-and-Friends-Of-Addicts/support-group

In many areas of the USA and Canada there are CODA meetings you can attend. There are also ACA meetings and al anon meeting you might want to attend. Hard to say what would be best for you. But the ressources are there. ACA by the way is short for adult children anonymous and targets those who grew up in an abusive or dysfunctional environment during childhood. I know in my case that depression can makeme lethargic and not want to do anything for days. But to do a weeny bit each day gets me back into some kind of a functional routine. The key is to find a way to make yourself autonamous of your Mom. Doing things by means of baby steps is the best way to go and not think of fullfilling the whole thing. That can be an overwhelming thing when viewed that way. But do what you have to do to become independant of Mom. And you know best what that consists of.