Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hello. I'm new here. I married my high school sweetheart, and a few years after we got married, he was hospitalized for a suicide attempt and diagnosed for the first time with bipolar II. Mostly, this means he cycles through depression and mania, but his bouts of depression are much longer and more intense than his times of mania.
We have 2 sons. One of them has special needs.
My husband has never worked outside the home, and I find myself in the position of carrying the weight of the entire family on my shoulders. I need to make the money, pay the bills, coordinate doctors visits for my son, set up social activities, and take care of everything else a running family needs.
My husband stays home with our kids, but can go through phases where he sleeps through school pickup, neglects to get basic groceries, and wants to sleep all the time.
He is medicated, but does no talk therapy. He smokes marijuana regularly and slightly abuses some of his amphetamines, but doesn't really abuse drugs of other kinds.
What is hardest for me is that when he is depressed (which is often), I feel like asking him to do more, or pointing out what's not going well, will make him feel like life is not worth living. I am constantly afraid that he'll commit suicide, though he doesn't mention this much. This fear causes me to take everything on myself, and it is difficult and scary and lonely.
Has anyone else been through this? How can I take care of myself, my children and my husband? How can I ask for what I need without overwhelming him?
Thank you for any advice.
jgalh
We have 2 sons. One of them has special needs.
My husband has never worked outside the home, and I find myself in the position of carrying the weight of the entire family on my shoulders. I need to make the money, pay the bills, coordinate doctors visits for my son, set up social activities, and take care of everything else a running family needs.
My husband stays home with our kids, but can go through phases where he sleeps through school pickup, neglects to get basic groceries, and wants to sleep all the time.
He is medicated, but does no talk therapy. He smokes marijuana regularly and slightly abuses some of his amphetamines, but doesn't really abuse drugs of other kinds.
What is hardest for me is that when he is depressed (which is often), I feel like asking him to do more, or pointing out what's not going well, will make him feel like life is not worth living. I am constantly afraid that he'll commit suicide, though he doesn't mention this much. This fear causes me to take everything on myself, and it is difficult and scary and lonely.
Has anyone else been through this? How can I take care of myself, my children and my husband? How can I ask for what I need without overwhelming him?
Thank you for any advice.
jgalh
Are you in therapy of any kind ?
So what do you really need that you can not do for your self?
And I say welcome here too.
I have some experience with bipolar disorder as well as with people close to me attempting suicide (two were successful).
I can understand the difficulty of the situation. Most people here have walked on eggshells around their homes for one reason or another, afraid of the repercussions that will come from "speaking up."
It is very-difficult to live in fear, and is also difficult to feel alone, like you have to bear all the burden yourself. You are doing well to reach out about it... it took me a long time to recognize how tired I was from carrying my burdens around. Even now, I still carry a lot of them, but the bitching while I do it can be helpful ;)
It seems like a safe approach may be to suggest a couples therapy session, where you both can talk openly with a neutral third party. That counselor will also be trained to watch for some of his warning signs and can intervene if she thought that he was at risk of harming himself. Have you tried this in the past?
Above all, I hope that your therapist is helping you to remember that, regardless of your actions, your husband is sick. Even if you carry all the load, even if you never say anything, even if you are "perfect" and never disturb him, he may still become depressed enough to harm himself again. This is not your fault. It is not an interpersonal problem, it is a chemical problem. No amount behavior change on your side alters brain chemistry on his side.
Welcome to the group.
I have been so incredibly angry lately because he hasnt been doing ANY chores around the house or buying ANY groceries.
I feel your pain on that.
I too feel alone and unable to confront him about it since he is working full time and on night shifts so he is always sleeping when I`m awake cleaning.
Although our situations are different, I even kind of identify with you about the job thing and even being a caregiver! wow. weird. See, I relocated for him and am working two part time jobs that are way off from my career path just to be with him. Also, I am away from my addict mother who is very ill and my brother who is suffering from the effects of my mother`s illness. Sigh. It is an awful feeling when your loved ones are sick and there seems to be no answer. But atleast we are all able to relate which is really calming me down reading all these posts makes me feel less alone. I hope my post is comforting to you and it atleast makes you feel less alone. Hang in there. If I find any solutions or groups, Ill let you know.
You have a LOT on your plate. Add to that the ever present fear of your husbands condition becoming life threatening and it is likely just a bit over the amount that you can really take on a regular basis.
BiPolar is a difficult issue to deal with. Holborn is correct about it being an illness that you cant control.
A counselor can help you learn to recognize the signs when hubby needs you to dial 911 and get him help. That might help you find a little more comfort knowing that you can get him to help. Kinda like knowing the signs of a stroke or heart attack.
I myself would NOT want him to pick up the kids or to have any supervision over any minor child.
You want him to do more - so maybe that is a mistake to want?
You have taken all the work on your self, so you are the reason that you have a happy home, and you are the one that makes everything to happen, and he does very little, so THAT is the reality and that is it.
You want him to do more - but he is not fit to do more.
Being afraid of asking for help is one of those codependent behavior that we all need to learn to break.
How about starting with small things....really small things....leave a note on the table...Honey can you do this load of laundry I left you - that's one day.
The next day or every other day another small task. I have major depression and sometimes...accomplishing a small thing...does EVEN make me feel better. It takes me a lot to get to the point to do it..but if my b/f suggests one thing...I do feel a little guilty if I don't feel like I can do it...so I DO IT....and then I feel better.
You may even be helping him with this approach.
Another day....Honey...I bought a chicken...at 5pm can you rub some milk on it...break up some ritz crackers and French onions smear on top...and put in oven? When I get home I will mash some potato....:)....
Little things...maybe start a couple times a week at first until you eventually get to something everyday and your load becomes less?