Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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2earlyriser
2earlyriser
My NPP suggested I get help for my condependency issues. She suggested I go to Al-Anon and read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, which I am reading. Have yet to go to a meeting due to my schedule and the meeting times. I am new to this whole concept of coedependency but not new to being codependent. I have accepted that I am a "rescuer and caretaker". I am confused as to my role as a husband. I do everything for my wife. I mean EVERYTHING! Is that wrong of me to want to care for her needs? Yes a lot of the time my needs go unmet and I get frustrated and depressed. She's my wife so I must take care of her. My confusion lies in the question why can't I tell her my needs? Why can't I feel as though what I am doing is a good thing? I feel so alone a lot of the time. Now my wife isn't a drug user or alcoholic but she doesn't care for her basic needs. Her health is a huge concern and she just won't listen to me or her doctor. I love my wife dearly and don't like her to suffer. Yet I suffer. Is that heoric or masochistic? So many quesions and not enough answers.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Not heroic or masochistic - codependent. If you care more for her needs than your own, that is codependence. She need not be an addict; the fact that she has a health problem that she won't take care of (much like an alcoholic or a drug addict won't get help for their addiction) has led to your taking care of her FOR her, and not meeting your own needs. Of course you get resentful and angry, who wouldn't? If your wife loved herself she would take care of her health issues, but for some reason she doesn't. And because you step up to do it for her, she doesn't have to. Although we think we are doing these people a favor, we are really hurting them instead because we are preventing them from dealing with their issues on their own. We are all adults and should be taking care of our own stuff. It is different from helping someone who is ill and cannot care for themselves; these people are perfectly capable of caring for themselves but choose not to. Really, that is their choice. It is not our lot in life to tell these people what they should be doing with their health. They've chosen to live this way, and we must respect that. I know it's hard to sit by and watch someone hurt themselves, but what we have to remind ourselves is they are adults and are entitled to make their own choices in life, even if it hurts themselves or others (except of course for physical pain inflicted on others - no one should be allowed to do that). Start attending meetings, or get a qualified codependency counselor to talk to. I've been seeing one for 2 years, and it has really opened my eyes to what has been going on in my life, and has helped me to make changes to start taking care of myself. Good luck to you.
Booky
Booky
Welcome to this group.

I find that dealing with codependent issues are very rewarding, and really it can be fun once one learns how to do the boundaries correctly and expressing feelings, because the end treatment of codependency makes life so much better to live in.

But do not make the mistake of blaming or thinking that the wife needs to be fixed or that she needs to change, because the entire process needs to be about your self and about boundaries only on your self, and if you keep that right then your wife will respect you for it.

We (or you) still gets to be the "rescuer and the caretaker" except we do it the right way this time.

Codependency is a rotten disease to have - but it is the best of things when it gets fixed right.

It is not about your wife - as it is all about our self.

Cheers.
HeatherCliff
HeatherCliff
I have a new book called "Codependency For Dummies" by Darlene Lancer, MFT. Melody Beattie has more good books on Codependency, too. Al-Anon is great!!!!!!!

May GOD bless you and keep you, 2earlyriser.