Your mother's behavior sounds very controlling and abusive. You are an adult and you can cut off contact with her. You can ask her specifically to stop certain behaviors otherwise you will cut off contact, but don't be surprised if she does not respect your boundary, or behaves for a while and starts up again. Sorry you're going through this!

I'm sorry you have to put up with this nonsense. I wish we could pick our parents. Like 11 Christmases said, you are an adult and can cut off contact. I would get into therapy if you can because once you say something and she reacts..it is going to guilt you up if you don't have someone to talk to. You need support because your mom is not used to healthy relationships obviously and the chances that she will just say "Oh dear, I'm so sorry ..I didn't realize the damage I have been doing!" are slim to none. Good luck!

I can totally relate. My grandpa is a lot like this. Extremely controlling. He used to call me over and over again if I wouldn't answer. When he figured out how to use IM and email, he started using those as well. He went so far as to pretend to be my grandma in an email to me, signing the email as her when it was quite obvious that it was really him. He used to have a spare key to my house and when I wouldn't give in to his controlling demands, he'd just let himself into my house and scream at me for not answering the phone. I am in my 30s. I don't need anyone telling me what to do!

You have to set boundaries and it sucks. And it will actually get worse before it gets better. When you try to take your power back from an abuser, they will get even more controlling because they feel entitled to that power they held over you. I went and demanded my spare key back, I told him it was completely inappropriate for him to let himself into my house or to call me incessantly. He would stand there shaking his head while I said this stuff because how dare I stand up for my rights?! Now, if he starts calling me multiple times, I don't answer. If he shows up at my house uninvited, I don't let him in. I tell him I'm busy and he can't just show up when he feels like.

I know it's not easy to take that step but you have to do it. Otherwise it will never end. You have to assert yourself.

For me, I got to the point where I was so extremely pissed off after he caused damage to my historic house by letting himself in while I was at work when I told him repeatedly that he doesn't belong in my house while I'm not home. I was so pissed I went over there in a fury and demanded my keys back.

I've kicked him out of my house several times since, whenever he starts to get out of line. He likes to argue about anything under the sun. I let him come over to "help" with a project recently and he actually wanted to start a fight over which kind of nail to use (he wanted to use an interior nail on an exterior project and I believe the box is labeled exterior for a reason). I told him to just go. I'm not gonna argue about a damn nail! I finished the project myself. It bothers him that I don't "need" him and he spent many years trying to convince me that I do.

Just tell her that you won't answer your phone/texts during work.

Say you won't speak to her on speaker phone. I'm the same way- I HATE it.

Thanks everyone!!! My mother was abusive to me as a child physically. I guess I feel like I'm going to "be in trouble" if I don't respond to her

You know intellectually that you won't get hurt by standing up to her now.

Do it for your inner child. I think she wants you to stand up to your mother now as an adult. Make her do cartwheels for you!

I like that point from "DeliAnnem" about the inner-child, because it is your inner child who is afraid of getting into trouble.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/09/23/6-steps-to-help-heal-your-inner-child/

Your inner child is the one who truly NEEDS to stand up to your Mom now.

But I do not agree with any break-up from your mother, as in giving her an either do this or you will not talk to her, because the healthy boundaries need to be boundaries on your self and under your own control. If you stop talking to her then she will still see that as being under her own control instead of seeing it as your boundary.

What would really work best is to NEVER get angry or yell at her, and do not let her know that she hurts you, and do not argue with her and do not cuss back at her, and just be nice and respectful to her as you hang up the phone or as you leave her presence.

When your actions and reactions and your responses change then she will see that and she will know it, because she is your Mom.

Cussing her out, or telling her off, or running away, or crying about her words, are all the things that the inner child wants to do.

Emotional Boundaries = http://independentfew.wordpress.com/2014/09/08/emotional-boundaries-the-kind-of-boundary-which-counts-the-most/

I have cut off contact with my mother, going on 8 months now. We tried for so many years to have a civil relationship, but she would always resort to guilt-trip behaviors. With the help of my therapist, I gained the courage to tell her that we couldn't have contact until I was ready to reestablish. It has been a glorious 8 months! I can't tell you the stress that has melted away because I don't have to deal with her. Also something my therapist said helped - if someone is trying to make you feel guilty, ask yourself, "did I do something wrong?" If you didn't, then don't feel guilty!

This is really unacceptable behavior on both of their parts. I too deal with an abusive mother, but I have finally drawn boundaries and refuse to let her treat me like a second hand citizen or a mat to be walked on. It's very important that you put an end to this abuse, and that is exactly what it is, abuse. Do you see a Therapist to help you deal with this abuse? What is very important to know is that you can't lay down boundaries, stop allowing the abuse, and then allow it to start up again. It's so important that you are firm and they know you will no longer tolerate being treated as you are. You are beyond being smothered, they are drowning you and don't seem to care. They have some serious issues, not you. Hugs GB