I feel for you up until I moved out I hated our home all the memories I would drive myself crazy then I would get so angry and resentful to the point I would drink to much to kill the pain. Now that I finally left just since may but really only been separated from him for the last three weeks has my attitude started to change. I am working through the 12 steps and I find each day I'm getting stronger. I feeling a little more happier. Before I would miss him and think about him none stop now if I start to go down that path I remind myself how much pain he caused me and my children. Like tonight I'm putting the garbage out and moments before I was thinking man I wish he wouldn't come to my mind why do I miss this selfish self centred egotistical a--hole. Then I reminded myself when did he ever take out the garbage NEVER! Even wen I would get up 6 times in the night with the kids and still get up at 6am with my early rising son and not sit down until 10 at night he was watching from the sofa all night. Sorry not watching me but watching the tv.
Well now I don't feel the way I use to in that home. I feel so much peace in my home. Just me and the kids and peace love and respect.
So my suggestion move find a place for yourself and mans best friend your pup and enjoy life. Read lots educate yourself work the 12 steps and you will slowly feel better. If u asked me back in April if I would be where I am today I would say no way. Truly there is a way out.
Lots of strength I pray for you.

thank you yes I need a change. feel guilt here that he is so sick but he is everywhere here and have done much to try to reclaim it as my own but not working out very well.

Change can be very scary for codes. Be scared, but do it anyway (I think someone on here said that recently). Think it over - what's the worst thing that can happen if you make a change? You can always make another one if you don't like the one you already made. Don't be down on yourself for being in your 50s and single. I know lots of people in the same boat, and they are having the times of their lives. Just need to let go of the fear, and the alcohol, and the past. You can do it. You've come a long way.

thanks Cheryl. I am scared and a lot of anxiety and getting down on myself about a lot of things. seems to come on me when I least expect it. this is a bad one and seems my inner child is screaming at me that she is scared and feel so lonely. tired of being alone. need to change this and get into church and maybe a AA or 12 step program. how are things with you?

Church can be very healing, if you get into the right one, for the right reasons. All of us are alone at some point in our lives. But there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I actually felt more lonely in my marriage than I do now that I live without him.

I am feeling so much better since getting out of the marital home 2 years ago. I can't even believe it's been that long. STBX still says crap to my kids that is totally inappropriate, but since they are grown that is their issue to deal with as they see fit. I really try to stay out of it. I'm still trying to get divorced. The trial is supposed to be over before the end of the year, but who knows. STBX delays then blames my lawyer. Whatever. I just take it one day at a time, and keep reminding myself that it won't last forever. For a while I was really wanting to buy a house, and was even going to borrow the money from my parents until I get my divorce settlement. But after coming perilously close to actually buying something (turned out to be a house full of issues), I realized that I'm actually content where I am for right now. That doesn't sit well with my son, who is itching to paint his bedroom and have, I think, a place to truly call "home" instead of the duplex we live in, but again that is his issue to deal with. I'm not going to move just to accommodate him. After all, he has his "own room" at his father's house, yet never stays there. So I'm just waiting out the end of my divorce process then, once I get the money in my hands, I can finally start working on my future. Still in kind of a holding pattern right now.

understand the holding pattern. understand that having an asshole around is worse than being alone. I don't miss him but feel him here sometimes. other time I am just fine being here. did reading on self compassion and that helped so much. praying and reading and posting. I may have to just keep working on myself ( which is helping) not nearly as freaked out and stay here for the winter. there are worse places to be. I just miss someone else being in the house especially when I get home from work later in the evening. a little fear involved. so if I must stay another winter considering a security system. staying another winter seemed like the worse thing that could happen. but my perspective is changing. your posts really are so appreciated and hope that I say something back that helps you all

That's what I had to do to refocus myself - ask myself what's the worst that can happen? Nothing is the end of the world but the end of the world. I found when I started putting things in their proper perspectives, things were not as dire as they seemed at the time. I thought I couldn't make it financially without my STBX. Sometimes I still feel that way, and it's been 2 years! I've done it! So what am I so afraid of? Just the fear of not having enough, which of course isn't true because I do have enough. The fear is from childhood when we didn't have enough and money was super tight. It helps me to identify my fears and figure out where they came from. Hope this helps. Your posts have been a real inspiration to me.

I live alone I wouldn't have it any other way.
Now if I had a big house w no life. I might rent out a room are 2 just for income n to hear another body rattlleing around the house. I wouldn't be interviewing a possible room mate as a friend to entertain me.
Uncertain reason that you want to interfear in your daughter llife.
isn't that what vacations n holidays for.
I'm a very happy 3rd wheel.
you may need to creat hobby n to walk as form of exercise n way to eat up your time the healthy way of doing so. take classes. I took bakeing classes regarding sweets.
I'm single and free to travel n do what I wish when I wish w/o having to entertain a partner.
I have Papa who been after me for years to marry. I will never marry nor live w anybody. hell no.
Throughout years I have offered to give back rings that he has given me but I would keep the stones,lol
I have total of 3 sugar dadys. get a sugar dady. have him to build you a swinmming pool with built in grill. great for partys. I know my married frinds n most men are jel. of my life.
I also like my home because one dy if I should need 24/7 care I have an effc apt in 1 of bd rms that has it's own full bath for an assistant.
Life is what you want it to be.
my weakness are pasta n shopping.