it just seems impossible to move on and sell this house. i am trying to detach from the house and know that he will never leave as he has invested in this house also. think he is just setting back saying i am not going anywhere, sell the house and give me my part if you want out. try to just be roomates but even roommates have to share the responsibilites of maintaining a house!! i feel panic at times to not come home and hope that he is gone when i get here so i can relax.my sister is gone now from her cancer, my job is stressful, ny 24 year old niece also passed and my fav aunt. my daughter had a premature baby and i am trying to just stay calm. thinking how can i stay here another winter. my life is flying by and i am miserable.

i only read halfway through the first sentence and my advice is to get the HELL OUT OF THERE!!!! ASAP


from personal experience, lots of it. there is NO HOPE. free yourself you will be enabling him every minute you stay.


LEAVE! i don't care what it takes, from one woman to another, RUN!

please! i tried everything!!!


no amount of time or years will correct this, and things will only get worse. you will lose yourself ... you probably already feel that way, but you may even die!

i'm not joking, and not being dramatic. this is serious. you need to save your soul.

Hi sassy. My gosh, you have had so much going on lately, a lot on your plate, it is completely understandable that you are feeling frustrated and upset that you are not getting any support or help at home.

It makes me think of one of the typical characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics: that we "are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved". I think we often don't have that belief within ourselves that we actually deserve better or different to what we have or what we are given. You deserve so much more than this. Relationships can be so much better than this. It is obvious from this post and from previous posts that you want so much more than this. This is how he is. This is how things are going to be if you stay with him.

Earlier this year, I had to move from where I was living and moved in with an older lady (against my better judgement, I had a feeling that she was a complete control freak!), turned out, not surprisingly that I was pretty miserable there from very early on. She was a control freak indeed... At the start, I had the thought that maybe I had something to learn from this situation, maybe I should stick it out because there was some lesson there for me, like I needed to learn how to deal with extremely controlling people. It got so bad after 2 months that all I knew was that I had to get out of there. I just knew that I had to get out. And I now believe that this was my lesson: I needed to learn that I don't have to fix anything, that I can just walk away from a situation that makes me feel like crap and that it is actually ok for me to walk away under those circumstances.

In the past, I would have stayed there thinking that there MUST be something that I could do to 'fix' the situation, I must have been doing something wrong to make that whole living situation so bad so I just needed to learn more and the situation would get better, or I needed to change myself and things would be better. My lesson was to see that I don't actually have to fix anything at all, I had the option of just getting the hell out of there and walking away and I am so thankful that I made that decision. I know what it is like to be going home with that feeling of dread in your chest, and I no longer have that and life is so much better. Moving out threw things upside down for me for a few months but I found a great temporary place for a couple of months and then moved into a new place on my own a few weeks ago and I am officially back on track. I can't imagine staying in that awful situation any longer than I did.

I think that once we are on the road to recovery, we start to see that things can indeed be better. We learn to trust that 'better' is actually out there. We learn to trust ourselves. We learn to trust our instincts. What are your instincts telling you here? I think your instincts are screaming out in the post above :)

A big hug to you. Do what you need to do to take care of you, you deserve it.

My advice would be to sell the house, even though you love it (love yourself more), give him his portion and find a new place for yourself. Who cares what he does with his portion of the house. He won't be your problem anymore. He's not even a decent roommate. I know it's easier said than done, but you'd be amazed how much less the house will mean to you once you're out of it for a while. You can put some new energy into fixing up a new place all for yourself and your family to come visit. And you won't have his drunken ass sitting on your couch anymore.

I know you've had bigger things going on in your life recently, but it's time to be there for yourself now. You deserve to be happy, and you will never be happy doing what you're doing now. You can do it. You're a stronger person than you think, and you don't need him.

Agree with the rest - been there with my ex - my only regret is I didn't leave sooner - it is scary leaving the only thing you know and you think of all sorts of complexities (house, etc) that when you look back, realize they weren't that complicated.

My ex wouldn't leave the house, but he also couldn't pay for it - all sorts of crap was devised for me, so he wouldn't leave (and I would be forced to). We tried living together, dividing the house, etc. It was ridiculous! Life is so, so short for this...My problem now is that I compare my current situation to the last, thinking that the current isn't as bad as the previous, so...but the previous was a really, really low standard...like what you describe, but maybe worse...

Do one thing, anything, everyday, to get going on your new life, without him...I would also say the serenity prayer at the end of my day to get through that phase...(still do).

That's so true! Leaving and all that goes with it just seems so overwhelming, and before you know it they are back to behaving themselves, and you decide it's not so bad after all, until the whole cycle starts again. You just have to take that first step. It does seem overwhelming, but truly when you look back you'll be amazed at how things just worked out. I have to say I definitely believe in a higher power now because it was like all the planets aligned when I decided to leave. Everything I needed came to me in one way or another, and that is was made it possible for me to leave. Every time I feel the urge to go back to the way things were, I remember all that was given to me during that time, and I know I was shown a different path. I can't look back now. You can do it too, Sassy. You are such a strong person. You deserve to be happy.

so appreciate the comments. yes i love this house but i need to love myself more. i am coming to believe that i can find another place that i am happy at.my fear is that i will sell this house and then a revalation in our relationship will happen and i will wish i still had the house. afraid i will give him money and he will blow it and then we will end up back together anyway. this is started to seem less crediable. maybe i should just take a second loan out and give him money and say get out but as long as i stay here it feels like our house. try to see myself away from here- away from him and dysfunctional family and in indi close to my daughter and her 3 babies instead of surrounded by the present situation. then i think maybe its not that bad and i will regret not doing more to "fix" it. so what if that happens it is not happening now and i am miserable and sick of everything. i am a nurse practitioner and make good money. i make the house payment, monthly insurance on home, phone, tv, taxes, and he pays the utilities. i am spending so much money living her and not enjoying it. does not feel like my house. he consumes the environment and takes over the living room and watches his giant tv in the living room and drinks and coughs like a TB patient every morning. it is time to end this and if i am not happy or it is mistake then go on and rebuild my life. think it boils down to that i feel like this is all my fault because i have build up walls that dont let anyone in. but i dont trust him and dont find comfort in his presence. i hate him at times and wish that he would just disappear magically i guess then i wouldnt have to do anything. gosh how screwed up is this

know that inside i am not happy or secure enought to start over but the alternative is to die inside here. but again feel like it is my fault for not trying harder and going out on a climb to see if i can fix this. i stay in the pyschology boundaires that i have formed to protect myself and dont reach out to others including him as i have been hurt and made to feel bad about myself so i protect myself thinking that he will not change, but that code part of me says maybe he would if you went to him in an honest and caring way. but dont think i want this either. breaking up is so hard to do. think that is a song

I was in the same thing for years (married 25, left after 24 years). He won't change because he doesn't see anything wrong with the way he is. You can't change him. You have no power over him. Things will not change between the 2 of you because it takes 2 people to make a relationship work. It's not all your fault. He drinks and contributes nothing to the house. Ask yourself why you want that around? You don't want that - you want him to change into something you can be happy with. I did too. That person never materialized. My STBX is still the same even after he lost everything. He's happy being miserable. I either had to be miserable with him or get out.

The unknown is always scary, but you can do it. Look how much you have survived already. And at least you are on good financial footing. I suppose you could have 1 more heart to heart with him, but I doubt that will do any good long term. The only way to break this cycle is for you to break it. Something has to change or it will stay the same. Your needs are not being met in this relationship. So you have 2 choices - either stay and endure more of the same, or make a change. You would be surprised how much better you will feel if you get out and don't have to come home to that stress every night.

trying to see reality and get out of this situation and stay sane.

Just keep asking yourself what do YOU need, and how can you go about getting those needs met? Can your SO or your sister meet those needs? How? Are they willing? You have to have boundaries with toxic people. Need to keep them at a distance so they don't make you crazy.