You are really dreading this family gathering. sorry. So many people do not speak with, do not get along with, or don't like their family members. You don't have to like them, you don't have to love them. Let go of the thought/guilt that maybe you should change because you don't like the sister. It's not displaced anger, she's an unpleasant person that you would have nothing to do with, if you could help it. Practice smiling when you start to feel upset, and see if you can change your attitude with your will. That is an exercise that I did to help me with my own anger issues, and, once I was able to see that I have total control over how I feel, it slowly became easier for me to grasp control over my feelings when they started to swerve into being upset. Strength, and Peace to you.

I apologize for calling your sister, "unpleasant".

she is unpleasant no offense taken. she uses people to get what she wants and avoid what she does not want to do.
i am just very angry but also sad and scared for my sister who is sick and it is just so dyfunctional and i feel it.

our own families can hurt us so much more deeply than any other people. Please do your best to find peace during this very difficult time for you, for your own benefit. It's good that you let it out here, and not in front of your family.

I am in a similar situation with my sisters. The one that is sick, I have not seen in 8 years. We just started taking about a year ago through cards.

So she got really sick in January and called me to tell me goodbye for she might die in surgery.

This upset my whole household, for my husband,who calls the "the twisted sisters",watched me get sucked back into the madness.

So she survived the surgery, but with many setbacks. Got limited info and was no invited to come down and see her. Every time I ask, she says not now. So I keep sending cards. Even offered to bring home cooked food .

So now things are going better for her, which I am very glad for, but have to hear everything through the grapevine. I actually find out more on facebood following my nephews.

So my husband was right again, they just reeled me in to just cut the line. I guess I just wanted you to know this crap goes on in other peoples lives, and if I could find an answer to this I would give it to you.

dually- thanks it always helps to know that other have similiar situations. i get reeled in wanting to be accepted and cared for. usually disappointed with the outcome. my sister that is not sick keeps telling me how excited she is that all the family is coming. i think yeah i bet u are. she will make sure that all know what she has done for sick sister and put on a show with skimpy clothes on and run the show. i will just smile and watch the entire situation unfold. she can cook and clean and spend money so that all will stay with her and i can come home to a quite house when i have had enough. she has all planned for everyone and am sure that she will get alot of sympathy and non ending compliments on what she has done and will do. sickening to me.

also a friend of theres is planning a benefit for sick sister. funny that all medical bills are paid by medicade and she gets disability and has got lots in back pay and has no transportation cost. every one else takes her where she needs to go. sister not sick is off work so that she can stay with here, and complaints to all about how she cant do anything, cause she has to stay with her. says- I JUST CANT LEAVE HER ALONE IF SHE HAS A SEIZURE SHE WILL BE SCARED AND I WOULD NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF. bet she dips her hand in the benefit profits. benefits are for the needy. like people that dont have transportation or have big medical bills or so i see it. my not sick sister and her daughter have state jobs and are off work all the time with stress leaves, knee or back or wrist problems. but sis parties the entire time. frustrating i know that alot of people do this but annoying that my family is this desperate for a hand out and seem to not care what others think about this user mentality. but yet i still feel left out and not part of the "family system" that seems to function as a unit. but here i am petty and selfish in their eyes. and it still bothers me. code flaring. thanks for any comments

Part of the family system??? I would run far from that. And as far as the money part, that is between them and God. I like to sleep at night.

When my mother died, the real true colors came out. They even buried her in the wrong casket. I told them she wanted to be buried in the same kind my father was. Even in death the poor woman could no even get that. They said it was not pretty enough, they wanted the one they called the "jewlery box." It is a frickin' casket.

When in came to split up the estate, it got real dicey. I know a lot of money did not get split up right. So, I could have brought in a lawyer and got it. But I did not want to ruin what little I had of a relationship with my sisters. So i let it go.

The big problem came when I did not give a big enough wedding present to my sister's son. Really?? So that is when we stopped talking.

I could go on for days and days. There is no family system in relations like this. You are looking for something that is just not there.

I was in a family system such as the one you describe is your family of origin. Healthy or dysfunctional, both are family systems but rarely do they recognize if there is dysfunction, especially if there is a scapegoat, one who is I'll, and then one who draws attention away from the family dysfunction by constant crazy making drama.

Once my mom passed, and I was the scapegoat of the family, I never returned to receive anymore abuse. Granted, I was born into that particular family system, but as an adult, I chose not to remain in it nor subject my family that I created apart from them to be subjected either.
I got through my mom's death and all the BS they pulled, they pulled, not me, they did it. And then started my own family system.

Everybody carrys their own baggage thru life and we can rage and wonder about it or we can "live and let Live" or go nuts over somebody's else's issues. Sounds trite while in the throes of our pain but a pearl of wisdom.
Peace.

good respones food for thought thanks so much