Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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depressed

sassybabe11
sassybabe11
things are not working out. dread another day with him around cause i will feel stressed but would feel stressed if i was alone also. feel so crazy. will not give the realtionship a real try cause i am afraid of what he will say about me if i am honest and try to get to him on a person to person level. have tried to connect some and end up feeling disappointed and like i need to protect myself. his negative attitude and the diffference in our lives is so overwhelming and just fucked up about all of this. know that i will feel like i did not do everything that i should have to be with him, and wil eventaully regret ending the realionship because i did not give it a real chance. thought we could live together with me in my own space, but that does not happen. feel so lost and confused and sad. have to stop this somehow but feel powerless over my self and my feelings. why cant i stop the roller coaster and be happy and give up my dream for us. eagles song-tired of a worn out realtionship. i been aroud for you i lived and died for you but i just cant get any relief. i have swallowed my pride for you lived and died for you. it comes down to a realtionship that is not close and resentment and expectations are not what i thought.spiraling out of control and cant stop it. i know that i need to address the first step and the serenity prayer- God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cant change and the courage to know the diffference. i am stuck with thinking that what i have now that i dont appreciate will haunt me later. but just feel trapped and unhappy. thanks for listening. advice appreciated
deleted_user
deleted_user
I had to make a choice sassy. I thought I would die for 3 months (after we broke up) and then I actually was soooo happy he was gone. (I couldn't believe it!) Like you said - it's the giving up on the 'happily ever after' dream...........

I think for all of us hon, sometimes the pain has to get so bad for us to make a healthy decision.

Big, fat hug for you tonight!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I don't know what you're trying to salvage. You don't like him. There's no making it work if you don't love each other, and it sounds like you don't even like him. You don't have to like him. I think you need to start envisioning your future without him, and then put a plan into place. I used to fantasize all the time about moving out into my own place - for years! And then I finally did it! It was scary, and I don't have a very well-paying job, so the money has been tight. But I absolutely love being on my own for the first time in my life. I don't come home to stress anymore; and I don't have to look around at a bunch of memories, because I left those behind. Don't get me wrong, I do miss my old life at times (well, certain aspects of it). Sometimes it makes me feel sad, but like an earlier poster said, it's just giving up the "dream" that's making me sad. I couldn't live the "dream" all by myself. So I have to make new dreams. Have to stop looking back and start looking forward. You can do it!
sassybabe11
sassybabe11
thanks cheryt, very well said. my past hx has shown me that i think i am ready to do that but then i go back. i was in our house for 5 months without him here and the memories were eveywhere. i do envision my life without him and then get scared that i will buy him out on the house and he will blow the money and we will get back anyway or sell the house and end up back with him with loss of the house and alot of money as we have only been paying on it for 3 years. i put all my profit off my old house into this and took 10, 000 out of 401k. so have alot invested more than he does but he does have some investment in the house. try to tell myself this does not matter but it does.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Believe me, I get it. I went right from my parents' house to building a new house with my STBX. Never lived on my own, so I was scared as hell to move out. I've never had to depend on just my own income until now. Thank God for child support or I would be eating Ramen noodles every night and living like a recluse. There were many times I seriously questioned what I was doing - leaving a house that was paid for and half mine, after 24 years of marriage, but with my counselor's help I thought long and hard about what I was missing, and it certainly wasn't the happy times in the house, because there weren't many - only times I created with my kids. My husband was an absentee parent, which he readily admits, but has not changed. I truly miss my big yard and bird feeders and flower beds, which I can't have now because I rent. But I think some day I'll have a home I can have all that with. I told myself to stop looking back because it was doing me no good, just making me sad. Sounds to me like you have a really good-paying career. If I were you, I would get out and move by my grandchildren. Sell the house, give him his half and cut him loose. Move away and start over again. I am actually thinking of doing this myself once my son is done with school.

You deserve so much more out of life, and this man cannot give you what you need and deserve.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi Sassy,

Just sending you a hug. Please remember that the one person that you do have control over is yourself. That is where your power lies and you do not have to give it away.

We can suggest or share our own story, but ultimately you have to decide what you can live with (or not) and how you want your life to be (or not). Maybe it is time for professional therapy?

Good Luck!

Shar
deleted_user
deleted_user
Sassy- "the rollercoaster"...."trapped and unhappy"..... I totally get you.
This sucks., It is SO hard. We can read and hear it and try to take the steps but while we are dealing with another personality (his) that is stronger and more controlling and dominant, it is hard if not impossible to make our own changes, seek our own happiness, while also having a good relationship.

If you are like me, the relationship will not work as you are becoming more healthy. It only "worked" when you bent around him and what he wanted. and even then it was not great, was it?

Getting out on our own is scary as hell. He made it easy for me by moving out, but now he wants back in. It is not a healthy thing for me. But being alone, while freeing, is so scary.