Hi There....

I don't want to say your site name because, to me and I don't even know you...you are not a mistake!! ;)

I am glad you posted this, because today I am in the doldrums and feeling frustrated that the same problem keeps coming up with my communication and I am the only one who seems to taking ownership and trying to remedy, make myself better, make strides to change, but everyone else seems to be able to just 'do what they want'......yes? Like for your situation why does that person get to get away with being so casual about a plan you made with them and how that might affect you? Dang it! HAHAHA.

So with that, I guess we are both on the learning curve here......that is the nature of this beast called co-dependency and life seems to throw you so much at the same time and it makes a person want to throw their hands in the air and say "I GIVE UP". But I don't know about you, I am not totally ready to throw in the towel...I feel like it but mentally I know better......I am just tired of it being ME....I want to be able to for once point the finger and say SEEE it is YOU!

I try to be uplifting and press forward with each hurdle....but just yesterday I said "I am exhausted from emotion and having to take care of a body....I am ready to just let it gooooooo already". Not in a suicidal way, just more like.....release me from all of this kind of vibe. I was in the shower today praying to god to release me from my situation.....its the smallest thing but it did give me some semblance of relief. At this point it is the little things.......The one thing I am finding with Co-dependency is the learning never ends, the navigating past the triggers never ends, and this is a life long process.....Ugggh just thinking that or writing it makes me more poopy tired and want to go to bed!

So my advice or input......obviously I am right there with you......it is all just a matter of time, self examination and reflection to see what it is that causes the issue, and then from there......well things do get better and situations change. I have found that sometimes doing nothing for awhile about any of it is ok too, like lick your wounds if you want....stay in bed for the day if you want....you know....its ok just don't go down a rabbit hole with it and get to a place where you can't snap out of it!

A book that I am getting value out of reading (but obviously still fail at not having my knee jerk reactions or triggers pushed) is the 4 Agreements.....it is at least a simplified method to navigate thru life a little less sensitive and not taking on too much as well as not taking personally. My mom also recently gave me the acronym Q-TIP (Quit Taking It Personally). When we get hurt by others obviously it is hard to not take it personally, but the minute we do take it personally......then we are basically allowing them to identify us and define us.....not fair to us! :)

But take some deep breaths, I always find when I am wound up I am holding my breath....so long deep breaths really soothe the soul. And just know that for sure, nope, you are certainly not alone!!

Take care of you....and my other suggestion would be to change your site name, because you are worth it, you matter, and are certainly no mistake!! xxooo

Hi "Mistake" and I agree with CDC above that you are not a mistake as no person is ever a mistake.

It means that you need to do some home work on your self-esteem.
Link http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/adult-health/in-depth/self-esteem/art-20047976

Your profile says that you are 21 which we all feel grown up at 21 but that is still very young as you still have a long life ahead of you.

What I suggest is that you need to make a decision for your self as in what kind of a person that you want to be and decide what you want to do with your life and THEN start to work on accomplishing that, and start making your self into the life you want.

When you (when we all) do that then we start living our own life instead of feeding of of other people. Instead of needing other people we start to become the helpers to other people, and become the friend to others, instead of being the needy one.

Decide what kind of a real job that you would like to work and then go after that and then your employment becomes fun and not just a job for money.

The day that you start doing stuff for your self where you like what you are doing THEN other people will come to you because an attractive person is always self guided, instead of you trying to live off of what other people want to do.

Feeding our emotions off of other people is a big part of the codependency.

You are correct that you need guidance, but that guidance really needs to come from your self, as you need to guide your self into what things that you want, and that is NOT about finding other person(s) that you want to be attached to.

What I really suggest for guidance is to pick out a biography book about a person's real life and read it because biographies give us so much insight into what a healthy personality looks like and they are always a big guidance, but pick out the best of persons' biography or autobiography in your own opinion as your own opinion makes the choice very important.

Just my opinion here based on my own research and experience.

P.S.

I forgot to say = Welcome to this group.

Hi there,

I'll share a few things with you that have worked for me. The first thing is working with a talented therapist. It can be helpful to bring your problems to a professional, and maybe the act of doing so will help you feel less alone and sharing your problems with someone else might help take some of the burden off of you.

I also write a lot on this forum about reconnecting with the part of yourself that you gave up in order to be in a relationship. What often happens is that codependents take care of others' needs over their own, and then we try to make others responsible for our feelings, which is where the anger comes from. They can't fix it for us, which only makes us more angry and frustrated, and then we start to blame others for our feelings. We outsource instead of looking within and learning what we need to do to take care of ourselves. This is something I am still learning myself, too. I have become effective at this in my romantic relationship, but I am currently working through it in other areas of my life, so I am also on a "learning curve" with you here.

And while I agree that overcoming codependency is often a lifelong journey, sometimes it is helpful to look beyond the addiction and just learn how to enjoy yourself, and this is what I would advise if you are truly sick of the codependency. Some books that have helped me include Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It and The Artist's Way. Neither book has much to do with codependency, but the first helps us to form healthier neural pathways and the second helps us reconnect with things we enjoy doing that we gave up because we neglected our own needs.

Start with small acts of kindness towards yourself. It might feel strange at first, but when it starts to become a habit, you will likely start to feel better.

I will end with this: I know it seems hopeless right now, but there there is a way out. Not everyone who suffers can be helped or can help themselves, but many codependents who choose to make their recovery a priority have the ability to heal and do so eventually.

I can SO relate to this. I also used to expect the other person to know my needs without me saying them, then I'd get into a panic for them not validating me.

I don't know if this is codep, or something else. For me, I almost felt like I had a personality disorder.

I'm better with this stuff now... but I did a LOT of work on myself.

I agree with Booky- 21 is young. I think it's good that you have this insight.

Are you in therapy? CODA meetings might be a "fun" way to explore this...

Hugs and welcome!

(BTW- why that screen name, anyway... )

When these things happen, go be by yourself and review things that you might do to confirm the plans in advance. Some people are so busy with other thoughts all the time, that we must somehow grab their attention without being angry because anger can just cause them to shut down. Then WHEN they forget again, calmly remind them of your confirmations and explain how it feels for your plans to be brushed off.

"I make plans with a person (let's just go with the ex.) and we talk about it, and in my mind it is set in stone. And in his it's just a passing thought. When the time comes that we're supposed to do whatever, they blow it off, or forget. I feel like I have to start a fight. I don't know if it's for attention or what. I blow it up way out of proportion, I bring up past occurrences. I can't just leave well enough alone. I don't grasp what kind of damage I'm doing until after it's all said and done, but I don't say anything because I keep apologizing for the same thing, and an apology should be you saying, "it won't happen again" I fight so I don't get upset, because I hate feeling this way, and I want to make it someone else's fault."

Maybe I'm misunderstanding the scenario, but it sounds like someone is late to meet you or stands you up and then gets pissy when you get mad about it? Not cool. If someone is consistently late or backs out of plans at the last minute, that is just rude and inconsiderate.

You have every right to be upset about that, and I don't think there's anything wrong with bringing up past occurrences if it's a consistent pattern of behavior on their part, and you've already talked to them about how much that bothers you. You shouldn't have to apologize for being upset.

You are not alone in your feelings or your struggles. I would really recommend that you peruse Melody Beattie's Codependent No More at a bookstore or on Amazon. And if you find that you can see yourself as you read some of the chapters, I think a CoDA group would really be helpful.

I've been in a CoDA group for about six months, and I started going because I was driving my best friend away with my neediness and hysterical behavior, and it had to stop. I didn't want to lose her the way I seemed to lose everyone else in my life: me crying and them running screaming in the other direction. The best thing about a CoDA group is that everyone there can to relate to what you are going through and cares about you and helping you get better. It's about fellowship and understanding and sharing. As I work through my own recovery right now (and it is very painful), I've had to rely on my CoDA friends for help and support, even though I'd love for my best friend to be there.

Give it a try. I went because I figured I was so low that nothing I tried could possibly make it worse. Sending you the very best wishes!

We expect others to keep plans made. this is a very annoying thing for me also weather it be a friend or a partner. but it is a part of life that happens and if someone does this to me, yes I am mad but I don't make plans with them again. and stop expecting them to be responsible for what they say they will do. again it angers me as my time to do things I want to do and others agree to do is limited and I get all excited about it and then they cancel. look for others that keep their commitments and do what they say they will do. those that don't do this have problems with following through on what they said they would do and it sure is annoying but they have their own problems that keep them from living up to commitments so stop thinking they are going to do what they say

It is extremely passive aggressive to simply "forget". That is a horrible form of hostility.