Hey Ya'll. I'm new here, but I should have joined way back when I joined the Infidelity group. I've been--and still am--on an emotional rollercoaster. My husband has cheated (may be now, too, but he's covering his tracks), lies like breathing, does drugs, is addicted to porn, and won't keep a job for longer than a few months. But toward me he is sweet, loving, affectionate. (He doesn't know I know about the recent Physical Affair or that he quit his job about 2 weeks ago and is lying about it. He also doesn't know I know the extent of his drug use, fyi.) His mother tells me that he has never said one negative thing about me to her (unlike my complaining, I'm sure is the underlying insinuation). I've been struggling for quite a while now. Why can't I think clearly and rationally? Why do I struggle with guilt and with--not necessarily failure; that doesn't seem like the right word--but, giving up; letting go; walking away; weakness--I guess these are what I am fighting against. I keep thinking, What if I'm wrong? What if I'm giving up on him too easily? What if he decides to get help and changes? What if I just need to be more patient? Loving? Understanding? Prayerful? Strong? Long-suffering? What if I give up now and, in a few months or a couple years he gets better and becomes the man I know he can be? What if I make the wrong decision by leaving? What if my ending things makes him worse? What if he gets really depressed and kills or hurts himself--or gets into more trouble that lands him in jail or prison or just dire straights?
Obviously, I need help. I'm stuck. Paralyzed by fear.
Can anyone relate? What do I need to do? I can't afford therapy. I've checked, numerous times. And there are no CoDA groups around me that I've found.