I used to use CAT/cocaine for a long time, and I know what you mean, the urge is all ways there, using is all the time on your mind, you can't stop thinking about it, even when you sleep.
You can't really blame your self for what you did while high.
You will get your self back I believe that.
I got my self back but I was never the same again, but I don't think your that far yet, so message me so we can talk if you want.

I see cocaine as the devil itself and YES it controls you. It can only live through you. Without it's host it is nothing but white powder. Don't be sickened by yourself, but be sickened by the evil that still tries to gain access into you. It uses every weakness we have against us. Guilt is one of it's favorites. Our guilt can be so overwhelming we will use to escape it, but it leads us back into the arms of addiction. Stay strong and forgive yourself. My thoughts are with you.
6B

I can understand completely. I'm getting back on track and feel the same way. I do know though that the feeling of shock passes. I did manage 8 years sobriety and then relapsed. Keep strong and don't keep it to yourself. Talking is the best way I found to stay on the right track. Just know your not alone. Eventually, it gets easier, even if it's still there. Stay out of bad situations (my mistake) even though you might feel you can handle it. Good luck!

i remember feeling really scared that something had such a big control over me, and because it scared me so much i went into denial of trying to have control over cocaine. Which was never going to work! i know i have an illness where my addict head tells me it would be a good idea to pick up, that this time it would be different, always chasing the good times, and the preoccupation of how, when what who ! but when i came into recovery i could recognize myself anymore between the addict and me, i thought the drugs was all i had left and if i lost those and the lifestyle that went with them then who would i be? well im still learning and on that journey of self discovery.

if i can do this a day at a time i believe anyone can, but we cant do it alone! my head plays so many tricks on me i need other addicts to help me out. i can really relate to the shame you are feeling by where coke has taken you, and you know it will only get worse and that guilt and shame will only get worse, but today i can face those things i have done clean.

i feel you i use cocaine every day i cant stop and scared to get help are you still using?you can talk to me anytime

I have been a cocaine addict over ten years now. I am now clean and sober again. I go to a support group-twelve step program, it has changed my life. You should really look into that, you will meet people with the same addiction and find friendship and support through them, try it, it works if you give it a chance, you should try Alcoholics Anonymous and or Narcotics anonymous.