I have to be honest with myself and the truth and severity of my current relapse and since I can't come clean to anyone in my life out of fear of the consequences I feel I can do it hear,reading some of the posts on here has inspired me everyone has their own story and battle with addiction and this is mine..i am now 28 years old but my addiction started when I was 15y years old I didn't have a good childhood my dad was absent nowhere to be found my mom worked more than one job at a time and was rarely home and when she was she was distant cruel and abusive I was molested by my sister at the age of five until 9 forced to go down on her and penetrate her with objects my sister ended up hitting her head and had a bad head injury her being my mother's favourite she ended up packing us up leaving everything we knew behind and moved to where my mother was born Barbados because the doctor told her a warm climate would help my sister within 6 months my mom left us alone with strangers and went back to Canada to as she said remake a life for us to return we were left there for almost 2 years being shipped from one place to the next rarely hearing from out mother and being abused and mistreated by those we stayed with the only wanted the little money our mother would send for our upkeep I left home at 14 unable to cope with reoccurring nightmares of all my abuse I began sleep walking I told my mom what had happened to me and at first she cried and doted on me but it was short lived a week short lived after she started blaming me turning it around to paint my sister as a victim diminishing the abuse saying oh kids experiment with each other to this day I struggle to forgive her but that was the nail in the coffin for me and I left home my friend knew of a guy who was renting out rooms in his apartment my moving there would be one of my biggest regrets but I had nowhere else to go within two weeks a lady moved in she was a crack head unbeknost to me at the time being so young and naive,I had a boyfriend much older than me and he knew her from the past one night of partying I was introduced to crack I had done come a few times with my friend but it never turned into a habit in fact I believe I had only done it 3 times but that night after being coerced by those older than me  I was hooked it began everyday was trying to find money to use from morning to night all day I've stolen I've lied I've sold my body for it it became all i lived for and the only thing that made me feel good during this time my boyfriend was not yet diagnosed a schizophrenic and the drugs made him worse he began beating me severely I would wake up being punched and it was all because of the voices in his head..my roommate who I later found out got me hooked in order to gain drugs for herself she would promise men me there were nights I had to barricade my door in order not to be raped..finnally my boyfriend was arrested for beating me bad enough and once he was released he got diagnosed began.medication found a basement apartment and got me out of there we still used and I became pregnant and I used a during my pregnancy the day my son was born I stopped me and him cold turkey looking back I have no idea how I did it how I found the strength but I was devoted to doing right by my son fast forward 7 years later clean and sober and during those years my son's father was deported leaving me a single mom but we were doing ok getting by and then I found myself in another abusive relationship became pregnant and fell into a derp depression he had control over all my money would leave me pregnant and my son with no food to eat I relapsed badly sold almost all my valuables tv PlayStation phones whatever I could..my mom found out and I got help had my second son who was born healthy like his brother thank God despite my use during my pregnancy I cut off his father moved to a new place and began fresh I was doing well for a year and then I began a new relationship and this guy is amazing loves my son's as if they are his provides for us but we began having issues I felt he was controlling and I began to suspect he was cheating I feel I wasn't healed or ready to begin a new relationship I don't handle or cope with stress well and I relapsed again same cycle sold all my valuables but again I got help got into school graduated with honors as an addiction and social service worker my use ended my relationship but we remained in contact all the while he was seeing someone else but despite what he did to me i couldn't get over how he was with my boys and he blamed my using as the cause for all our problems and I believed him so i wanted to prove to him I could be clean finish school and I did but it wasn't good enough I was put down and blamed I feel guilty and horrible enough about myself but to have someone else constantly belittle and put you down takes a toll so I again turned to what I know and used again I have been using on and off now for a few months once or twice a month I am trying to work things out with my ex to give my boys the family and stability I never had but my depression my past my low self esteem my fractured relationship and the treatment I receive leaves me stuck I even sold valuables of my exes so I understand I am to blame for my actions and understand why things have gotten bad but I'm trying to do right as recent as yesterday I promised my ex/boyfriend I would buy back his ps4 I sold and instead I blew all my money on drugs and he has since stopped contact with me I feel horrible ashamed and hate myself for letting myself my kids and those around me down I keep telling myself it's very rare i use but it's a problem yesterday is proof of that I'm tired of using I'm tired of lying in tired of not being able to keep my promise of sobriety but I'm struggling I'm so committed to stopping and I know I can because I have in the past i just can't get out of this depression I'm holding onto another toxic relationship because I'm scared to be alone and not have someone by side to help raise my kids I feel so low about the cheating it has made me doubt myself my esteem is non existent and I don't even believe is be able to find anyone else im a mess I can't even look at myself most days i need to find recapture that strength that I know is in me but I don't know how so I thought I'd try this the first step admitting the truth gething it off my chest I feel like a failure as a mom as a woman I want to get past this and move forward I'm scared to reach out for help out of fear of losing my kids they are my world and it kills me I haven't been able to stay clean for them for me yesterday was it I'm not going to let this addiction win I'm going to stop making excuses and wallowing in self pity so I'm giving this online support group a try I really could use some support right now from others going through similar issues as me