I was with my girlfriend for almost 7months. When we first me it was amazing. She's funny and her personality would attract anyone. In the early stages she mentioned that she does cocaine and if I'm ok with that. Me being naive I said I'm fine as she also said she doesn't do it a lot.
Without going into detail she had a traumatic time in her childhood, she was once abused sexually. That horrible event made it understandable why our sex life was very minimum. A similar thing happened when I was a child so I understand. Every time she would break down when things were becoming physically intimate she would push me away, cry and apologise. I always told her that she never has to say sorry to me and that I understand.
two months into the relationship and we move in together. I was slowly starting to notice how much she drinks. I knew she drank a lot on her nights out with her friends. But at home I started to slowly see the wine bottles, alcohol during dinner, alcohol while she was in bed watching shows etc. And than I started to realise her drug use. In her bag she would carry so many nasal sprays, she said that she usually gets a runny or blocked nose.
She doesn't make much of an effort in terms of taking me out or planning a special day, but we had our own thing at home like cooking together which was always fun and watching shows. But every time she was asked out by her friends she would get so excited and start getting ready for a night out.
on her nights out she's hardly in communication, usually sending a message and replying a couple of hours later. She also would never come home as she would stay the night at her friends place. I wasn't bothered at first. Her friends were leaving for a new city so I saw it as there few nights out together before they left.
they would come back here and there to visit there sister who would stay with me and my girlfriend whenever she visited from abroad. When this happened the nights out would continue and I was left wondering what was going on waiting until the next day to my girlfriend, sometimes in the afternoon or evening at work.
I was than invited out and saw it first hand. We were all drinking and than my girlfriend and her female friends made their way to the club, the boyfriend of one of her closest friend asked if I wanted to have a drink. He took me to a club. Started popping in and out of the toilet snorting coke and was also trying to sell Coke. I was than invited to his place to join the girls when they were done partying.
It was there that I noticed that I was so naive. I had to sit next to someone who loves me asking me if it's ok that she does lines. I said sure as I didn't want to ruin there night. It was lines of cocaine coupled with a lot of alcohol. For me it was so distressing and heartbreaking to see my girlfriend do that to herself, to say I'm still thinking about that night 3months after the breakup is horrible. Because I can't forget what she said to me that night ("baby, I love you so much, I know it's a horrible drug and it's not going to be like this forever, I promise. Thank you for being here tonight"), I responded saying that it's fine and that I just need to get used to it, that is when her faced dropped as if to say she was sad that I said that.
Things start to get better. Her friends leave the city and we start spending more time together. We really didn't go out much in the first two months so this felt amazing for me, doing the stuff that couples would usually do in the beginning. The sex life was still minimum but I noticed a pattern, she always needed to drink for her to be sexually intimate. I asked her about it and she said that it helps. While she was drunk she slipped out and said that she gets so aroused when she high on cocaine. That started to make me realise that for her to be intimate with me she would have to either be drunk, high or both. I was not fine with that mentally as it felt like I would be taking advantage of her. It also made me sad thinking that the other times we had sex just wasn't real. I told her to never bring drugs at home or do it around me (that night I saw her do it was the exception as I needed to see first hand how bad it was). In the first week or so when she moved in I found a small amount of cocaine wrapped tightly in a piece of plastic, I didn't bring it up that day as it was a good day and I didn't want to argue. But that night we had sex. Remembering about it I realised that she had to drink, I'm also starting to think what happened to that small bump of cocaine, if she had to use it for sex.
Skip after those two amazing months without her friends. And I say amazing because that's when I fell in love with her. She even took me to Sweden to meet her parents and I held onto every moments we shared together over there. When we came back from Sweden she gets a message from her friend saying that she and her boyfriend are moving back. She was so happy and excited that I get to bond with them again.
You see, the thing my ex hated about me was when I would shut down. Sometimes I couldn't help but ignore her. At home and at work. I know that's a terrible thing to do. I couldn't stop thinking about the cocaine and 3 months of no sex got to me. Every time I wanted to talk to her about it she would say she's not up for that conversation right now. Having to bottle my emotions and not being able to talk to her because she didn't want to made me unconsciously ignore her at times. Which really made her upset. When I did want to bring it up, yes it was about the sex, but more about if she needed to alter her mind to do it, and without that intimacy, taking away the smallest thing like waking up next to her is a big deal and saddening when I know it's because she on a binge night of drugs and alcohol. It usually turned into an argument and said that I shouldn't be upset that she wants to spend time with her friends. She also thought that me saying "problem" was due to what happened to her as a child. The problem was her inability to want to talk to me about something serious about our lack of emotional and physical intimacy. And that alcohol and drugs was playing a huge part, not the horrible event that happened to her as a child. I felt so angry with myself thinking that I may have phrased it like it was her fault.
After our big arguments she said because she loves me she will will stop doing coke. I never told her to stop, just to be more considerate and understanding about the relationship. I wish she never said that she would stop. I noticed that she was carrying nasal spray again but denied the fact that she was still using. Than after a night out with her friends she comes home, eyes bloodshot blaming it on her contact lenses, smelling like wine saying to me "you know I'm done with that right? You know I don't do it anymore". All I could say was I know baby.
Still no effort in taking me out or initiating sex I say nothing and keep what happiness I have with her. Her personality like I said is amazing. But her nights out turned from seeing her the next day to two days. She said she just drinks on her nights out. I'm not an idiot nor blind, but I gnore her use because I know she has a problem and all I want to do is help her.
but our arguments turned against me. Saying that I don't like her going out and that she hates it when I ignore her. I know with all my heart it was me not being used to her lifestyle, having sleepless nights worrying about my girlfriend when she never came home, feeling sad that our most intimate sexual times was all enhanced for her. This girl when sober said she loves me as well as when she is drunk. I saw the best of her when I met her amazing family. But as soon the drugs came back everything changed and broke us apart.
For her it will always be because we argued and that I didn't like her going out. Or that we couldn't have sex.
But in reality. It was because of the drugs and alcohol. Had I not said anything we would still be together. I feel like an idiot inisting the breakup even though it was the healthy thing for me to do. I feel like even though she couldn't open up I should have ignored the problems and stay, so I can be there to help when she wants to give up. But I miss her so much and it's unfair that the drugs took hold of an amazing person who can't even notice that there's a problem.
all I want are some words. Kind words to help me move on and to stop being mentally supportive. I had to watch her move out the apartment and I still see her at work. I'm the only one at work who knows what she does. I've seen every side to her. Whereas work only sees her happy goofy personality.
It took her one month to find a new place. During our time living together during the breakup I confront her about a bag of Coke that I found. This broke my heart which is why I wished she didn't say that she will stop because she loves me. I never asked her to stop as I understand that it is up to them. I just wanted her to at least take into consideration about our relationship.
Im sorry if my rant seems confusing. I'm just finding it so difficult to let go of a relationship and an amazing person when I know deep down it was because of her substance abuse. I can't bare to think that she doesn't realise that she can only be comfort intimately while under chemical and alcohol substance. It scares me when thinking that if she is with another guy and if he is ok with that, than that next relationship can go wrong in unimaginable ways.
thanks for reading and all I'm asking for is a few kind words to help me get through this. The last time I spoke to her I said that I still her, and that if it ever gets out of hand that she can always talk to me.