Hi I just joined this website. I have been having problems w cocaine since I was 19 I'm 32 now... for the last 2 years I have really wanted to kick this addiction. I have realized I get maybe a week sober then I get a very strong craving or urge especially after I drink. I am an alcoholic as well and that's what usually triggers it. It's almost like an itch. I am a bartender so I'm constantly around it as well. The need isn't really there when I'm working but more afterwards. I always have this awful cycle where I keep thinking it's going to be fun or different... it never is in fact it gets worse my benders last 2-3 days and I end up feel guilty,shameful,embarrased,and lose my right mind. I have been in very questionable situations bc I don't know how to stop and my judgement goes out the window. I used to think there was 1 rock bottom but in fact there are many and each time it gets worse and worse. I have lost jobs, relationships, my sanity all to get high. I guess I feel like I'm missing out if I don't go out but in fact when I'm focused and don't drink I enjoy everything more. I will meditate, cook, bake, etc.. I think it's always that first thought that makes me think snorting lines is more fun than anything else. Which honestly I only feel good for a sec before I get even more depressed or anxiety. It's like it's all an illusion. So I guess any tips or helpful advice about how to start down this path would be appreciated. Thanks guys!