Hi Everyone, sorry this will be long, but I am new here and this post is for me to help gain some insight on what I just went through in a relationship with someone who claimed to not have a cocaine problem. I have walked away from this relationship very confused/hurt/angry etc and I need advice on if this person was an addict or if I was being overly judgemental the whole time.
Long story short, this guy and I were only together for a few months. When we initially started dating he had told me he dabbled in drugs at festivals a few times a year (mollie/mushrooms/acid) and did cocaine every once in a while on the weekends and had been for about 10 years. I wasnt so into it because as someone who has never done drugs themselves it didnt seem to be a good match. I remember our first few conversations we had at the gym (where we met) I had asked about his weekend and he said he slept all day sunday because he was up late on saturday night. I assumed doing drugs. After we started talking for a few weeks he ensured me that I was the type of girl he was looking for as he didnt like to date girls who did drugs because most people dont have any control of it and he does and that he liked my healthy lifestyle. I kind of laughed like thats hypocritical of you but for the first month and half to my knowledge he didnt do any drugs and everything was great. I thought he really didnt do drugs that often because he never talked about it or tried and was fine doing things with me that were low key. We seemed to have fallen in love quickly and he was telling me he felt I was the right girl for him, had me meet his family, talked about how great I was for him, etc. We were together almost every day and weekend and went out with friends of his that do drugs once or twice and he told me that if I was ever uncomfortable that we could leave. To my knowledge he never touched anything. Our biggest re-occuring conversation that we would have was that he wanted me to be more open minded and know that people who do drugs arent bad people and that he could still be successful and do them recreationally as he had a job and his own place.. It was almost as if this was being ingrained into my brain tobe accepting of it.
Our first fight came 6 weeks in when he was going to leave me out with some of his friends while he went back to his house with a friend to break up a rock of cocaine. his reasing was that his house was the closest and the guy just needed a place to break it up. I asked if he was going to do it and he said probably and I let him know that it made me uncomfortable and I would probably just go home, and he got angry and made a scene and told everyone we were going home, and he broke up with me saying I had been given "more than 3 strikes" to accept him as he is and he deserved to do coke that night because he hadnt done any the whole time we were dating. He later asked for me back saying he wanted to be with me but I needed to be more flexible. So, I agreed to go with him to an EDM show the next weekend and allow him to do drugs so I could see how it was.Over the course of about 7 hours he did molly, mushrooms, coke, smoked weed and drank. The only difference I noticed was he was extra lovie with me, and into the next day. After that weekend he told me he should be allowed to do it more than every once in a while like he was trying to push the boundary. Fast forward a few days later he became very irritable with me and had a short temper with me just trying to talk about my feelings which I was feeling taken for granted. He then, which seemed to be a punishment, cancelled plans we had that next weekend to go to an overnight rave party and did drugs with friends again. He again had more weird mood swings that week, just basically being annoyed with everything I did, didnt want to talk really or pay attention to me and just was an overall angry person. I truly felt like I was dealing with two diferent people and I never knew which person I was going to get.
The last straw came when I went away for a wedding the following weekend and he stayed up all night Friday and Saturday until 7-9am doing cocaine and then sleeping all day. He was honest about doing it when I questioned him but the only reason I knew about it was because he had previously shared his location on his iphone so I would never have to worry about him and where he was so I could see where he was at at all times. He was very sympathetic and saying he felt guilty and sad he had disappointed me and he knew he this wasnt the life he wanted for himelf or that I wanted to be with someone who did drugs long term.. I didnt realize this till later that since this was morning he was still high. The next day he randomly unshared his location with me saying that he didnt think it was a good idea and that he felt I was tracking him and not trusting of him and sort of turned everything around on me, just one day after having this seemingly loving conversation. when I asked him about the convo he said he was too exhausted to realize what I had actually done and he now realized it was not okay for me to look at his location. He was basically making me beg for forgiveness and again threatened to breakup with me for being the kind of GF that stalks her BF. I finally ended it saying I didnt deserve the emotional abuse anymore and I didnt even know who he was. I told him you were once loving, kind and compassionate and seemingly overnight became angry and defensive all the time. He was always looking for a fight.
I guess the confusion I am wondeirng is are all these moood swings from the drugs? He always told me that if he was in a loving relationship with someone who trusted him then he would ABSOLUTELY quit drugs. I just never knew how to create that relationship while he was on drugs. He always claimed that he only did a little bit any time I would ask him how much he did "oh just one or two bumps" "oh just half a mollie pill, it was a chill night" It was always being downplayed and when I confronted him about drugs 3 weekends in a row his response was "you cant judge me on December, there are just a lot of events going on. How many times have I used since we were togther?" He was always making me second guess my feelings and told me I made him feel like shit about who he was and actually made me feel like I wasnt treating him right and being ridiculous for being concerned about his drug use.
I had hoped me ending things with him would have gotten him to straighten up but I feel he chose drugs over me and he is playing it off as we just arent compatible. He says he absolutely did not choose drugs over me but I can see he isnt fighting for me. Ive still seen him at the gym since and he says hi, and tried to give me a xmas gift which I denied. He told me he is not upset or angry and is just carrying on with life. I literally invested everything into this relationship after being weary of it in the beginning and I feel duped! Is he burying his feelings in drugs? Was anyof it rea? Do you think he was doing it behind my back in the beginning? Is he in denial of being an addict? Is this typical behavior? I am so lost and sad