Honey you can tell your children that their father is sick, and will be back after he gets better. If this is the case. You have done the correct thin by asking him to leave. addiction will not allow anyone to feel for anyone else while in the throes of their addiction. He loves, and cares for you, and your children,but crack will not allow him to feel your pain, because he is feeling his own. You have done nothing wrong except fall in love with an addict.

I would suggest you begin to take care of you, and your children. you can not do anything for him until he is ready. unfortunately this may take some time. I would suggest you begin to satify the needs of your children, and yourself. You will be using with him, before you get him clean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then your children will have no parents. I do not know if you are a praying person, but if you are PRAY FOR HIM, AND GIVE HIM TO GOD! GOD IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SAVE HIM FROM HIMSELF, AND SAVE YOU FROM HIM!

GOOD LUCK. YOU TRULY HAVE TO LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF RIGH ABOUT NOW THERE ARE CHILDREN WHO ARE DEPENDING ON YOU.

CONNECTICUT

Thank you for you advice. My ex actually just called and asked if he could come stay the night and I said no. So hard, but so necessary. The focusing on myself and is hard since I've gotten so used to focusing on where he's at, what he's doing, and what he will be like tomorrow. I just had the best night with my five-year-old though. We put a puzzle together, read books, and then went outside and howled at the moon (like the book we read!) and watched stars and lightening bugs light up the darkness. It's funny in a way. I already know everything you;re telling me, but it is so hard to adhere to it. More than anything it helps to talk about it and know that others have gone through it too. Thank you again for your reply.

Wow...I could have not said it better connecicut....LET GO>>>>LET GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JESUS Heals...trust me I know!!!!

The addicts disease has already affected the way you feel about yourself.You are not worthless for putting him out.
Being the advocate of tough love myself(and I am an addict),I would say you did the best thing possible for everyone.
For myself,I needed to know people weren't going to put up with my nonsense.I would say that consequences forced me to look at myself.I would urge you to read more of the posts in here,get to know his disease,not your hurt.The addict sometimes counts on your pain.We are cunning creatures,but with the cunning comes damage.
There is another group on Daily Strength you may gain some insight and support from.It is called(Family and)Friends of Addicts.You can find it using the search bar on your home page.

This may be a strang question, but what do you mean by the addict sometimes counts on your pain?

I am only asking because I often feel like my addict uses more the more I hurt. Like he uses my pain to give him an excuse to use even more. It also seems like he uses my anger as an excuse. If I get mad at him for any reason and he hasn't used, he will, and then tell me he did it because I got mad at him. His favorite words then are he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't, and of course that means he is just going to do it.

Kimberly, I feel your pain. I am still with my addict who relapsed a year and a half ago. I found this site and joined the Family and Friends of Addicts support group. There are many people in the group who have been through this who can if nothing else be there for you when you need someone to vent to.

I joined this group because although I have researched his addiction from the time I found out, there were things I wanted to know that only another addict could tell me. Plus I wanted to see the other side of the spectrum since most of the people in the family and friends group are no longer with or have much to do with their addicts. I wanted to know if and how people were getting better.

You are doing the right thing by protecting yourself and your kid's from the addiction. I agree that all your kids need to know is that Daddy is sick right now.

No matter what age they are, they don't need to know anything about the drugs, although they may already know more than you think they possibly could. I just don't think it would be beneficial for them to know about the addiction until you have recovered from it yourself and then you may want to seek some professional advice about how much and in what way you should try to explain things to the kids.

For now, my best advice is for you to tell the kids daddy had to leave for a while because he is sick and has to take care of himself, tell him that until he has gotten his life back on track and stopped using completely, he can't be there hurting you and the children with the constant drama and heartache, and seek support from anywhere you can for yourself to make it through this because I know after living with it for so long, you are going to need help coping with your emotions, especially for the first few weeks when he is sure to be begging you to give him another chance and let him come home.

To everyone who has commented so far--my deepest thanks. Tsims-The part you mentioned about "counting on my pain" is so true! I've found, like Chrysaster, that no matter what I do in the relationship he makes it my fault that he's using. I think by seeing me upset and my pain, he gets even further down on himself and it almost excuses him in his mind to go and get more crack. Thanks everyone for the mention of the Family and Friends group! I'll be sure to check that out as well. As a sidenote, my kids are one and five-years-old. I just told the five-year-old yesterday that daddy is sick and needs to get some help from a doctor before he comes home. He asked me if daddy is getting a new house. Heartbreaking! My ex is such an amazing person and father when he isn't using. It is so hard to be so in love and yet hate a part of someone so much at the same time. Also, you guys keep mentioning "my" recovery. What exactly do you mean? Besides being in utter agony and struggling to pay bills, I don't really see what recovery I need to do. Chrysaster- A special thank you to you. You situation seems so similar. It was nice to read your reply. Are you still with addict?

Chrysaster- I just reread your post and saw that you are still with him. How did you get to the point where you could trust him again? I'm worried that I won't get to that point.

I have not gotten to the point where I can trust him again, yet. He is still active in his addiction. In a lot of ways he has gotten better. He no longer goes on binges spending everything he can in a night and he rarely has angry outbursts like he used to every time I caught him in a lie. He still uses though, and there have been times when I know he has used once every single day for over two weeks. I won't be able to trust him until he is actively in recovery, and maintains sobriety for at least a year. I'm sure I will start trusting him some before then, but I know I will not trust him with my money for at least that long out of fear he will relapse again.

You wanted to know why you need to recover. Two years of constant fear, worry, stress about money, lies, trying to protect him from the consequences of his drug use, lying for him so other people won't find out what he is doing, the pure shame we often feel because we are letting someone else destroy us...tear away our self-esteem. Often the spouse of an addict becomes codependant, depressed, and suffers from anxiety disorders. It's not easy to recover from the long-term abuse we suffer while trying to help the addict, or wait for them to reach bottom so they will even want to get better.

It's hard, every day, to struggle with the emotional aspects of loving someone with an addiction, and there are many ways in which you need to recover. One of the most important, to me, is learning how you were enabling the addiction, and how to stop doing that. You've taken the hardest step already, by getting him out of the home, but if you have any hope of reconciling in the future, you need recovery as much as he does. Long after he stops using, he is going to be at risk of relapse, and the more you know about the addiction and recovery process, the better equipped you will be to cope and help him stay clean.

Chrysaster- Thanks again for all the info. Our situations truly seem so similar. My addict came over yesterday to see the kids. He begged me to stay the night and said my kicking him out only makes him want to use more. I did not let him stay, but it was so hard. He doesn't have anywhere to go. He slept in his car at his grandma's house two nights in a row. He told our five-year-old that he is sick but trying to get better and he would be home to stay as soon as he can. You mentioned finding out everything I can about addiction so I understand it more and can help him through this. What is the best path to recovery? How do I know when he's truly ready to beat this? How did you start to rebuild yourself?

From all the research I have done, I can tell you not many people overcome crack addiction without long-term, residential treatment. Because crack is so addictive, and relapse is so likely, long-term treatment where they do not have access to the drug, is the most successful option. According to my extensive research, 120 day treatment, is the most successful. A 30 day program isn't nearly as successful because the residual effects and withdrawl symptoms can last two weeks or longer, leaving very little time in treatment with a clear head. Besides that, it takes more than 30 days to learn how to live sober, overcome psychological triggers, and learn better coping skills so they don't just go right back to drugs when life gets hard.


You will know he is truly ready to get help when he seeks help, on his own, and sticks with it. Even if he doesn't go to long-term treatment, you will know he is ready when he takes action, instead of just promising to go to meeting, or say he is going to start working on it, and just does it. If he is really sincere, he isn't going to hide what he is doing either. He will be more than willing to let you know about the treatment, meetings, or support groups he is using. Trust me when I say when he is really ready for help, you will know. If he leaves any room for doubt, you should be suspicious, because most likely, he is just lying about getting help to suck you back in.

Finally, the things I am doing to rebuild myself. I am a member of four different support groups on here. I am doing positive psychology exercises from a course I took in college and exercises from a book called a course in happiness. They are mental exercises to help me figure out what I really want out of this life and how to overcome the obstacles (especially the mental obstacles) standing in the way of my own happiness. I am taking time every day to think about myself and things I enjoy or enjoyed in the past and doing more of them. I am unemployed right now. I am looking for a new job because I know that it will be a huge help with rebuilding my self esteem because we all need to feel good about things we do in order to feel good about ourselves. For me, doing well at work makes me feel like I have value.

I am quitting smoking because I feel like a hypocrite for wanting him to give up an addiction when I am addicted to cigarettes myself.

I think the most important part of my recovery is reaching out to try to help others. Even if all I can really do is offer comfort, understanding, or listen to someone needing to vent, it makes me feel like I haven't gone through all this hell for nothing. Even if things don't work out between me and Jamie, I have learned so much from it, and know that knowledge will help me in the future. I have always wanted a career in psychology, and this experience has just made me want it more.

I am still scared every day, still have nightmares, still worry constantly, but I know in my heart that no matter what happens, I am going to survive and I am going to take good things from this tragedy. That belief keeps me going.

This correspondence between Kimberly and Chrysaster is really powerful stuff.Gave me goosebumps.
Kimberly,the area of recovery for you was covered exceptionally well.Chrysaster knows the interior damage living with an addict can cause you.The subletting of personal standards for the addict,his actions,the wear his addiction has put on you emotionally and mentally.There is more to it than you might see through your currant heartache.
Most communities have Alanon or Naranon meetings.It may appear drastic at first glance,but I guarantee they are all people just like you.
I did go to Alanon for a while myself,and will gladly explain what it is about if you want.Check them out on the web if you want more perspective.
In any case,you are quite welcome here.I believe we all benefit in the pursuit of helping one another.Thanks for your post and dialog with Chrysaster as well.I didn't go to a meeting today,but I certainly got what I needed.

I just slept all night long for the first time in a long time! But I woke up exhausted. This really is mentally draining. Tsimps- I actually checked on Al-Anon meetings yesterday. I may be going to one tonight. Just to add one more thing to my story, my parents are also alcoholics. My mom used to have seizures when I was little if she drank to much or not enough because she is also hypoglycemic so her blood sugar was always off from days of drinking and not eating. She is still sometimes drunk for weeks at a time. I must be more messed up than I realize from all this, so I'm going to begin the process of rebuilding myself. I loved that you used the word "subletting." It really does feel as though I've rented my life out to him since his well-being has been my main concern for so long. As I mentioned, I did check out the Al-Anon meetings, but I didn't know if they were right for me since my addict's main problem is crack. I haven't been able to find a nar-anon meeting yet, but I'm going to check on that today. Chrysaster- I found a program for my addict to check out when he's ready. I think it is a 90 day intensive outpatient program. Our insurance won't cover a residential treatment center, but I have a friend who went through this program at the hospital and she was very successful. It includes individual counseling, group counseling, family counseling, drug testing, classes, meetings on top of the classes, and I don't know what else. I felt most comfortable after talking to them about the program--but I know it's up to him. I have to say, the paragraph you wrote about knowing when he's truly ready to get help brought me to tears to the point where I couldn't see the screen. He's not ready. Even kicking him out hasn't made him ready yet. Everything he says is: I'm going to get help. I'll do anything you want. This is over. I'm never going to touch it again. But no real action. Also, I saw the co-dependent support group too, so once I join that, I'll be in three groups. These are great for me since I have two little ones. I can focus on myself while they sleep. Congrats to you for working on putting down the cigarettes! How are you doing with that?

Today is actually my quit day. I've been mentally preparing myself for it for about two weeks. I've used the excuse that my life was just too stressful and emotional right now for me to quit for too long. I have quit smoking before, so I know how emotional I get during the first week. Then I just decided that I am already an emotional wreck from dealing with my fiance's crack addiction, and the cigarettes don't help, so why not do it now. The people around me everyday probably won't even notice a difference.

I hate to hear the insurance won't cover inpatient treatment. He will have to be truly ready and willing to work even harder for outpatient treatment to be successful, but I've seen other's do it. Even though he isn't ready yet, you gave him a big push in that direction by kicking him out. Maybe you should give him the information about treatment now. Maybe his subconscious mind will think about it.

If you decide to try out the al-non meeting, let me know how it goes. Even though it was designed for family and friends of alcoholics, most of the people I have met in the support groups used it no matter what addiction their loved one was battling. I haven't tried going to one yet because I don't have much faith in the 12-step programs. I think I have just been told too many times already that I am not God and can't fix him. I have known that from the beginning. I don't want to fix him. I want him to find a desire to live again, and get better, no matter what it takes. The hard part is not knowing when or if that's ever going to happen.

Sorry, didn't mean to sound like cynical there, just being honest. That's one of my personal promises to myself to help me recover. I will not hide his addiction from anyone, I will not lie to protect him, and I will be honest about my thoughts and feelings because I can't hold it all inside anymore.

Not cynical at all! Don't worry; I read honesty. About the 12 step program. I don't know much about it to make a reply about it's worth. I'm a bit uncomfortable with it since I'm not religious though. I know it talks about a higher power, not necessarily God, but can you focus on a higher power when you don't know if you have one? I'm struggling a bit with that, but I'm going to give it a shot. You would think there would be another version of the 12 step program out there for people just in case they fail with that one. I would just expect different options for different people. Kind of a buffet where you pick the program that works best for you. But again, I really don't know what I'm talking about here, so maybe I'm way off. I have actually mentioned the program to Ben several times now, both before and after he moved out. He slept in his car again last night. He just called from work to say hello. He sound so good and clear-head right now. But again, the paragraph you wrote about knowing when he's ready to quit was an eye-opener. Good luck today since it is your quit day! I don't smoke, so I don't have any advice unfortunately. I wish I could offer you some advice though for all that you have given me already. Best of luck with your day today. I hope it isn't a struggle for you today.